Vegweb Confessions
This thread is dedicated to brutal honesty and things you would probably only discuss with a shrink or a close friend/family member. Please note that this is not a pity thread, just a venting thread. The point is to learn more about each other and possibly connect on new levels as a community
- I have a really awful relationship with my father. We just don't talk... I never call him and vice versa. The only conversations we ever have are about music, becuase the love of music is the only things we have in common.
- I have a hard time letting people get close to me. Whenever I get too close to someone, I subconsciously push them away. This has ruined the two relationships I've been in, and countless close friendships. I think this stems from my shoddy relationship with my father.
- I have an addictive personality. I've had some major run-ins with drugs in my lifetime. Thankfully, I don't partake in them anymore but sometimes I fear that my drinking will become a serious issue later in life.
I KNOW! its insane! that is working 12 months instead of 10 and some crappy hours, but man, I'd like some of that cash right now!
how cool that you remember my dh and i were both teachers! 8)
my sister works at target and has worked her way up to manager and is pulling something like 60K per year now! she makes more than my dh and I put together. she seems to really like it. she does the same thing with getting the great deals....but buys a lot of stuff she doesn't need just cuz its cheap
60?!??!?!?! oh my goodness. i've worked in retail before. it was hella stressful for me. i certainly wished i had gotten paid more. i dont know if thats good or bad though. a manager of a retail store makes more than two teachers combined. hmmmmmm. on one hand, retail is very stressful, but so is teaching, but retail brings in a profit, but teaching is for, you know, our future leaders. hm.
ah yes, i like to network. keep the teachers together, word. : )
I KNOW! its insane! that is working 12 months instead of 10 and some crappy hours, but man, I'd like some of that cash right now!
how cool that you remember my dh and i were both teachers! 8)
my sister works at target and has worked her way up to manager and is pulling something like 60K per year now! she makes more than my dh and I put together. she seems to really like it. she does the same thing with getting the great deals....but buys a lot of stuff she doesn't need just cuz its cheap
yeah, I made alot of money but I worked my ass off, there was a time I worked 21 days straight. Target owns you, forget about holiday time, you will live there!
60?!??!?!?! oh my goodness. i've worked in retail before. it was hella stressful for me. i certainly wished i had gotten paid more. i dont know if thats good or bad though. a manager of a retail store makes more than two teachers combined. hmmmmmm. on one hand, retail is very stressful, but so is teaching, but retail brings in a profit, but teaching is for, you know, our future leaders. hm.
"family of secrets" Yep, that is us.
I have my own of course but the family ones are like a lifetime movie..very, very sad.
I have to be perfect. I know I can never achieve this and therefore am never happy.
I have always hated myself and wonder how anyone else could even like me let alone love me.
I was sexually abused as a child, it continued for many years..I believe there were two or three abusers but my memory is only clear with one of them. I never told anyone until I was 20 years old.
I started having panic attacks at age 13. I thought I was going crazy at the time because I didn't know what was happening. Due to crappy drs either not knowing or not telling me what they were ..I never knew until I was 22 and figured it out on my own that there was an actual name for what I was experiencing. I still have major anxiety issues and panic attacks.
I don't trust people. I still have issues with sex all these years later and feel bad that my dh has to put up with me.
I have major self image/food issues (to say the least!) fat, ugly, haggard, restrict, starve, obsess.
I am a major control freak and having children did not help this at all with me...I think it stems from being abused and not having any control. I now have passed this trait on to my middle son :'(..dh has the attitude of "you can never win an argument with a woman" and has enormous patience with me. thank goodness.
I am not going to share the family ones because they are still secrets to lots of the family.
(((((((THHF)))))))))
"I have to be perfect. I know I can never achieve this and therefore am never happy. "
I can intimately identify with this--everyone else around me is allowed to be a flawed and as human as they want to be, but me--the pressure to be perfect is with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day...it's draining and fills me with tension. And the effort it takes to be perfect would be better spent else where anyways since I'm such a failure at everyting I do I can never attain ever the small semblance of "perfect". *Blerg* *sigh* it's awful to feel like you work so hard to achieve something and still fail anyways. :'(
THHF: I am sorry you had to endure your abuses...I can totally understand what it's like. Years of it, more than one, and not saying anything for a long time. And, the other things you wrote about: perfectionism, anxiety, trust, self-image, control...um, totally can understand that too. In fact, I think it's all related. I really do.
I don't have a lot to say, but I hope you feel appreciated and supported. I offer you my appreciation and support!
Thanks Capture and Queen bee...What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?
QB, I am sorry if you have gone through the same thing. I know you are right about all of the things being related. :-[ It's so sad how one person can have the potential to totally f*ck up a childs life. You have my appreciation and support as well. :)>>>
Capture, I am sorry if you are anything like me...it is hard impossible living up to our own expectations.
edited: I edited the original post because it made me feel too exposed. :-[
I met with my grandparents today. My grandma is 87 and Grandpa in his 90s.
They were so sad I was leaving for the tree house, I made her cry. She said she cried when she saw my house for sale. And she said she always thought I was going to be the mayor of the city here.
But I told her I'd visit lots and at the end she was happy about everything. It is so alarming how your revert back to being completely child-like in your last days. They are both so fragile and almost innocent in every way, some how.
(((((((THHF)))))))))
"I have to be perfect. I know I can never achieve this and therefore am never happy. "
I can intimately identify with this--everyone else around me is allowed to be a flawed and as human as they want to be, but me--the pressure to be perfect is with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day...it's draining and fills me with tension. And the effort it takes to be perfect would be better spent else where anyways since I'm such a failure at everyting I do I can never attain ever the small semblance of "perfect". *Blerg* *sigh* it's awful to feel like you work so hard to achieve something and still fail anyways. :'(
This is TOTALLY ME!!!! I'm never happy with myself because I try so hard to be perfect when ultimately I can't be perfect! I drive myself crazy quite frankly..... I tend to push people away when they start to get too close because I'm afraid if they find out I'm not perfect they won't like me as much as I don't like me... stupid huh?! I wish I wasn't so hung up on perfection, but I don't know how to let it go.... To make matters worse when I was diagnosed with lupus I knew I could never be perfect and I've hated myself ever since. :'(
I met with my grandparents today. My grandma is 87 and Grandpa in his 90s.
They were so sad I was leaving for the tree house, I made her cry. She said she cried when she saw my house for sale. And she said she always thought I was going to be the mayor of the city here.
But I told her I'd visit lots and at the end she was happy about everything. It is so alarming how your revert back to being completely child-like in your last days. They are both so fragile and almost innocent in every way, some how.
Awww. Being told the mayor bit would have made me sad right there on the spot. In situations of regressing to childhood, when one person goes back, so do I.
I just got back from the "Crisis" Clinic......This past weekend was a doozy, and now my b/f and I are spending more time apart 'till I stabilize....It looks like my anxious depression has in fact progressed to Bipolar type 2 disorder. Of course, the most effective way to prevent this into manifesting into full blown Bipolar disorder, is with medication. When I went in, each person I saw said they'd really like to see me get insurance so I can see a psychiatrist who understands the ins and outs of the medications regularly instead of just seeing a counselor or a psychologist and then going to a primary care doc for the meds....but you take what you can get when you've been unemployed for 4+ months and with out any medical coverage.
I'm really kinda scared. I had a suspicion that I may have crossed over into Manic Depression/Bipolar....but I was really hoping it wasn't the case, and that I could just have a "band-aid" to help me through this spot.....Now it looks like once again, I have a life long commitment to medication if I'm going to enjoy life and not hurt those I love most.
(((((((THHF)))))))))
"I have to be perfect. I know I can never achieve this and therefore am never happy. "
I can intimately identify with this--everyone else around me is allowed to be a flawed and as human as they want to be, but me--the pressure to be perfect is with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day...it's draining and fills me with tension. And the effort it takes to be perfect would be better spent else where anyways since I'm such a failure at everyting I do I can never attain ever the small semblance of "perfect". *Blerg* *sigh* it's awful to feel like you work so hard to achieve something and still fail anyways. :'(
This is TOTALLY ME!!!! I'm never happy with myself because I try so hard to be perfect when ultimately I can't be perfect! I drive myself crazy quite frankly..... I tend to push people away when they start to get too close because I'm afraid if they find out I'm not perfect they won't like me as much as I don't like me... stupid huh?! I wish I wasn't so hung up on perfection, but I don't know how to let it go.... To make matters worse when I was diagnosed with lupus I knew I could never be perfect and I've hated myself ever since. :'(
Um. Are we all emotional clones of each other or something? That's me in a nutshell.
(((((hanashi))))))
I'm so incredibly sorry you're having to go through this :-[ I wish I had the right words to say or a magic wand to help heal, just know that you're in my thoughts.
(((((((THHF)))))))))
"I have to be perfect. I know I can never achieve this and therefore am never happy. "
I can intimately identify with this--everyone else around me is allowed to be a flawed and as human as they want to be, but me--the pressure to be perfect is with me every second of every minute of every hour of every day...it's draining and fills me with tension. And the effort it takes to be perfect would be better spent else where anyways since I'm such a failure at everyting I do I can never attain ever the small semblance of "perfect". *Blerg* *sigh* it's awful to feel like you work so hard to achieve something and still fail anyways. :'(
This is TOTALLY ME!!!! I'm never happy with myself because I try so hard to be perfect when ultimately I can't be perfect! I drive myself crazy quite frankly..... I tend to push people away when they start to get too close because I'm afraid if they find out I'm not perfect they won't like me as much as I don't like me... stupid huh?! I wish I wasn't so hung up on perfection, but I don't know how to let it go.... To make matters worse when I was diagnosed with lupus I knew I could never be perfect and I've hated myself ever since. :'(
Um. Are we all emotional clones of each other or something? That's me in a nutshell.
Yeah... I think I left the clonning machine on in my lab the last time I was down there--sorry...
http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll70/angel3602/cute-puppy-pictures-cloned-puppies.jpg
((((HANASHI)))))))
Oh sweetie--that' a tough one :( but you know what? I am so proud of you for getting the help you can and doing everything in your power now to take care of yourself! That's a lot!!! And with hope you will be able to do more in the near future!!!!! Big love and kisses to you!
http://i306.photobucket.com/albums/nn250/heyitscrissy19/hugs.gif
I'm a binge eater. I used to throw up afterwards, but I haven't done that in years and years. It feels like something I'm never going to get under control. I even wake up in the middle of the night and eat things. Who does that?!?! DH doesn't even know....I'm too embarrassed to tell him.
I even wake up in the middle of the night and eat things. Who does that?!?!
I do, you're not alone. Last night I woke up at 2 or 3, ate two slices of pizza and a can of soda and went back to sleep.
Unbelievable.
I'm a binge eater. I used to throw up afterwards, but I haven't done that in years and years. It feels like something I'm never going to get under control. I even wake up in the middle of the night and eat things. Who does that?!?! DH doesn't even know....I'm too embarrassed to tell him.
I still binge and throw up sometimes…. DH knows I use to do this, he doesn’t know I’ve started up again. I managed to stop for a number of years but I’ve been so stressed and frustrated lately I’ve started again. I find it’s a good stress reliever even though I HATE doing it…. When I’m done I feel numb. I need to get it under control again. I’m sick of having this problem! >:(
Oh my. Now we're on the subject of binge eating. I, too, do this. I try to stay as healthy as possible, but sometimes I just splurge and eat and eat and eat. I never feel full, and I always keep eating. I will eat an entire batch of cupcakes, or just spoonfulls of leftover frosting. Then it takes me weeks of hardcore watching what I eat and excercise to get my body back to where I want it... then I binge again! Lame
Oh my. Now we're on the subject of binge eating. I, too, do this. I try to stay as healthy as possible, but sometimes I just splurge and eat and eat and eat. I never feel full, and I always keep eating. I will eat an entire batch of cupcakes, or just spoonfulls of leftover frosting. Then it takes me weeks of hardcore watching what I eat and excercise to get my body back to where I want it... then I binge again! Lame
Yeah, I will do that too sometimes where I eat all of something I baked. not good for the guilty conscience, I tell you..
i've been having a lot of issues with my eating disorder lately.
Me too. I'm a little miserable about it.
I binge on celery. Long story.
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