Vegweb Confessions
This thread is dedicated to brutal honesty and things you would probably only discuss with a shrink or a close friend/family member. Please note that this is not a pity thread, just a venting thread. The point is to learn more about each other and possibly connect on new levels as a community
- I have a really awful relationship with my father. We just don't talk... I never call him and vice versa. The only conversations we ever have are about music, becuase the love of music is the only things we have in common.
- I have a hard time letting people get close to me. Whenever I get too close to someone, I subconsciously push them away. This has ruined the two relationships I've been in, and countless close friendships. I think this stems from my shoddy relationship with my father.
- I have an addictive personality. I've had some major run-ins with drugs in my lifetime. Thankfully, I don't partake in them anymore but sometimes I fear that my drinking will become a serious issue later in life.
I am depressed on many levels and I can not get over it even though I have nothing to be depressed about. I have the best husband, two healthy kids, a wonderful home, and yet, I am unhappy.
I haven' talked to my father in 4 years...he has not seen his grandchildren. I feel guilty about that on a daily basis, yet I feel that this is his fault and he refuses to change.
Okay - count me in:
1. Both of my parents are high functioning alcoholics. My mom becomes Dr. Jekyl and Ms. Hyde when she drinks and my dad drinks to deal with my mom's behavior. I know that I have the obsessisive compulsive tendencies and am terrified that I'll end up an alcoholic too. I can go months without drinking, but when I do I find I want to binge drink (although I don't necessarily).
2. I tried to kill myself when I was 19 and I wasn't supposed to live (I was on the liver donor list and somehow came through without needing a transplant or having any lasting physical problems). Although I feel blessed to be alive, I still can't figure out what my purpose is in life. There are still days when I wish I was dead, although I haven't had suicidal thoughts in years.
3. I'm terrified to be in another relationship because I picked so badly the last time (an alcoholic - the chaos felt comfortable to me). I don't think I would be able to handle or know what to do with a "normal, healthy" relationship. I think I will spend the rest of my life single and alone.
4. I truly wonder what it must be like to wake up happy everday and to look forward to the day - I don't think I've ever really felt that way . . . even when I was on my depression meds.
I am depressed on many levels and I can not get over it even though I have nothing to be depressed about. I have the best husband, two healthy kids, a wonderful home, and yet, I am unhappy....
You just described me... any idea what we're supposed to do about it? me neither!?!
K^2
(((((PiP))))) You are too hard on yourself :-*
I am depressed on many levels and I can not get over it even though I have nothing to be depressed about. I have the best husband, two healthy kids, a wonderful home, and yet, I am unhappy....
You just described me... any idea what we're supposed to do about it? me neither!?!
K^2
I don't know...but I am considering seeing a doctor and getting medicine...although I hate doctors and medicine, but I don't know what else to do, and it is only getting worse. Hope you start feeling better, though.
I am afraid I will turn out like my family. :-\
My father is a drug addict loser, convicted felon. I think it's safe to say I don't want to end up like that!
i've had problems with depression since i was a child.
i long for the company of other people all the time, but am too terrified to call them and ask to hang out. i'd rather sit and occupy myself (ie smoke cigarettes and drink or sleep or stare at the tv) than leave my house most days. i just don't like most of the people i know.
i've had issues with an eating disorder in some respect for 5 years now. but it's getting better.
i sometimes think i am compromising my dreams by staying with my boyfriend, since he's not ambitious at all. this leads me to believe we're not compatible, but actually i just have a history of sabatoging every relationship i've ever had (friendships included) and i know i'm just trying to do it again - we're perfect for eachother, really.
i am terrified that i will never get out of this town and that my artistic dreams will fall by the wayside. i'm also terrified of success.
i hate most things about myself, and i'm not sure why. it makes me terribly self conscious and unable to believe that other people could ever like/love me.
i used to cut myself, and now i don't and i find the scars embarassingly impossible to hide (they're mostly everywhere).
i haven't gone to bed sober in ...i can't remember. i asked my boyfriend if he remembers the last time i went to bed sober and he couldn't remember either. i use alcohol/pot as my sleep aids.
i almost never want to have sex anymore. i'm not sure why. i just don't think about it. and i'm absolutely petrified that my boyfriend will find it somewhere else if i don't start putting out more often. even though i'm pretty sure he wouldn't.
now i feel kind of bummed out. but it's sunny outside and i'm just taking one day at a time. this moment is all i've got, so i am trying to make the best out of my life.
I am deeply unhappy, depressed and lonely.
I hate my body and think I am ugly.
I am terrified no one will ever love me because I am not thin and pretty.
I secertely enjoy my ED because it gives me a new level of control/pain/punishment in my life.
Even if someone attempted to love me I would push them away assuming they were only pretending to either use me or to just be mean.
I cry everyday.
As sad as this thread is--it's comforting to know others carry the burden of pain--mabe we should form our own support group!
Hugs to you PiP--I was a cutter for a long time too :(
Jewel--2x sucide survivor over here--we have more in common *did you ever get my postcard by the way?*
((((((HUGS)))))) to the rest of the brave souls on here who posted! Misery loves company right?
Here, here - I love that we all have a place where we trust each enough to share. I truly don't know what I'd do without all of you :)>>>
I went through a serious bout of depression when I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 5 years. It really did a number on my already weak self-esteem and sense of self. It took many months but I finally came around and received some form of "closure", though the term "closure" is often misleading IMO.
I've gone through periods of self-loathing, insecurity, not liking who I was..but it seems now that those periods were more of a result as not KNOWING who I was. I'm still not 100% sure, but I dunno if a person ever CAN be. I do have a good idea of who I see myself as being..and knowing I'm on the right path to being that person makes me happy.
So, while I'm certainly not perfect and I have my folly's, I'm happy and I feel no shame about myself.
To everyone going through problems- understand there IS a light at the end. In my experience, depression was a result of a skewed image of the self..it takes an incredible amount of fortitude to be able to understand that your VISION of who you are is skewed, not you. We all have our demons, we all carry fear and shame around with us for a number of reasons. For me, it's been a matter of letting it all go. What it will be for you, only you can find out. If you're truly depressed, don't rule out seeing a doctor or therapist. They're not for everyone, but they work for some. Sometimes having a dialogue with someone about your problems; being honest without inhibitions and without fear of what they will think, sometimes that alone helps.
Sorry for the rant..it's just something I've had to deal with and it pains me to see others there.
I went through a serious bout of depression when I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 5 years. It really did a number on my already weak self-esteem and sense of self. It took many months but I finally came around and received some form of "closure", though the term "closure" is often misleading IMO.
I've gone through periods of self-loathing, insecurity, not liking who I was..but it seems now that those periods were more of a result as not KNOWING who I was. I'm still not 100% sure, but I dunno if a person ever CAN be. I do have a good idea of who I see myself as being..and knowing I'm on the right path to being that person makes me happy.
So, while I'm certainly not perfect and I have my folly's, I'm happy and I feel no shame about myself.
To everyone going through problems- understand there IS a light at the end. In my experience, depression was a result of a skewed image of the self..it takes an incredible amount of fortitude to be able to understand that your VISION of who you are is skewed, not you. We all have our demons, we all carry fear and shame around with us for a number of reasons. For me, it's been a matter of letting it all go. What it will be for you, only you can find out. If you're truly depressed, don't rule out seeing a doctor or therapist. They're not for everyone, but they work for some. Sometimes having a dialogue with someone about your problems; being honest without inhibitions and without fear of what they will think, sometimes that alone helps.
Sorry for the rant..it's just something I've had to deal with and it pains me to see others there.
Thank you for your words, blueheeler, though apologies will not be necessary in this thread :)
i almost never want to have sex anymore. i'm not sure why. i just don't think about it. and i'm absolutely petrified that my boyfriend will find it somewhere else if i don't start putting out more often. even though i'm pretty sure he wouldn't.
Eat some pumpkin seeds. I watch this show called You Are What You Eat (comes on the BBC) and a lot of the people on that show have low sex drives. They are told that they have a zinc deficiency. Pumpkin seeds have tons of zinc.
My turn...
There aren't many things in my life that I regret, but I had the chance to call my dad the night he died but decided that I would call him the next day since I was busy that night.
I have a very low self esteem. I've been overweight for a majority of my life and all of my girlfriends (with the exception of Katie) have cheated on me. Some because I wouldn't have sex with them (I remained abstinent until I was almost 20), others because...well, I just attracted the 'bad' girls I guess.
I worry that no one likes me. This probably spawns from the self esteem issue even though I know I'm liked / loved.
I hate the world and have lost (most) hope in humanity.
I'm sure there's more. I'm a terribly troubled individual.
eta: I also have trouble with conflict. I hate to get in arguments, so I will either a) shut down in one until I'm on the verge of going apeshit (veg*n?), or b) hold my tongue and let people walk all over me.
that's my biggest thing too. I'm too afraid to hurt peoples feelings so i back down and end up getting walked all over. i think it would be good if i were slightly bitchy, but at the same time i could never do that. Do you end up bottling everything inside of you until you freak out?
Yeah, pretty much. I'm kinda the same way too (not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings).
Also, some of the people that I have an issue with are people who would just not be able to talk about it like civilized humans. I don't understand why people just can't have a discussion without it turning ugly.
*deep breath*
1. Suicidal depression is one of my hypothyroid symptoms. The only time I didn't seriously conemplate suicide was during the six years I was with Cat. I'm worried that there's nothing left in the world that I care about enough to live for the next time my thyroid replacement levels are off.
2. I say I don't like realtionships, but I really do. I think it'd be awesome to have a meaningful, trusting relationship. My parernts' marriage is wholely disfunctional, so I think I'm afraid of being miserable.
3. I have an addictive personality, so I've stayed away from drugs. That's also the reason I don't drink, but I have been drinking since Cat died. I know I will stop drinking, but I wish I wouldn't because it makes me feel good.
4. I'm envious of people who've had an addiciton, because it makes me think they've lived. I have a conservative little life and I worry about dying without ever having done anything noteworthy.
HH, a lot of your post hits home for me too. I've struggled with depression on and off my whole life. I don't have thoughts of suicide anymore, but ususally every year I get really down and turn into a recluse. I don't smile, I just work, eat and sleep. Something happens to snap me out of it and I'm fine.
- I was diagnosed as bi-polar when I was a teenager. I don't know if I believe it or not, but I guess I have some of the signs. I don't take any medication for it, and I feel I'm doing alright.
- I haven't been in a relationship in four years and it's getting kind of lonely. I don't have time to meet people or go out really, so I haven't even been on a date in that long. It also doesn't help that I don't really have many gay friends or meet many gay people in my every day life
- Being gay isn't something I've struggled with much. I've been out since I was 14 years old and I guess the only place I'm even partially in the closet is at work. Everyone knows, I think, but nobody talks about it. I think it sucks that it's something I have to hide in a corporate world to get ahead in life. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to compromise to make something of myself, but I feel like I do.
- I miss my sister immensely. She was like a best friend to me, always forgiving no matter what. She is now married and living in Oregon, not succeeding because her husband is a loser and she's a codependent. I wish she'd come back home and go back to school, but I don't tell her these things because I don't want her to think I'm being spiteful. I bite my tongue, even though I know her husband is abusive though she denies it (just like my mom did for my entire childhood).
- sometimes I lay in bed and wonder what my life would be like if I had made better choices when I was younger. I wonder if my parents had raised me better if I'd have gone to a good college and be moved to a different state, living a different life, happier than the one I'm living now. It doesn't make me sad, really, but I do think about it from time to time.
To everyone going through problems- understand there IS a light at the end. In my experience, depression was a result of a skewed image of the self..it takes an incredible amount of fortitude to be able to understand that your VISION of who you are is skewed, not you. We all have our demons, we all carry fear and shame around with us for a number of reasons. For me, it's been a matter of letting it all go. What it will be for you, only you can find out. If you're truly depressed, don't rule out seeing a doctor or therapist. They're not for everyone, but they work for some. Sometimes having a dialogue with someone about your problems; being honest without inhibitions and without fear of what they will think, sometimes that alone helps.
Thank you BH--what you said really dinged a bell with me--in the dark tunnels of deprssion it is hard to remember there is an exit...it may be a long walk, but there is one there. And man you are so dead on about the skewed vision of self!!! Thank you, seriously, thank you!
(3. I'm a virgin and it's killing me. I've been so sexually frustrated and don't understand why the fuck i haven't been laid.
it feels the same after. i was expecting like i dunno. to feel somewhat CHANGED or something haha but dunno. i forget sometimes that im not a virgin anymore. though i do have to say. do it with someone who really cares about you and stuff. otherwise youll probably regret it.
oh and the seventh grade thing..what is with seventh grade and that being the start of troubles? i got all eating disorder-y and started cutting that year too ughhh. ill stop for a few months at a time but jkshghsdjghsdohgs ERGH. it's just frustrating how i always start again.
i tried to kill myself when i was eight, but i didnt realize that once i passed out i wouldnt be able to choke myself and so. im here still.
i dont want to go to college.
im really scared of the dark.
this is going to make me sound terrible, but i still have sex with my ex boyfriend (we went out for a long time and we're still close so maybe i should call him my friend..dunno) and it makes me feel awful about myself but at the same time, i feel like im good for something and like im useful. yes. i know. it is not the right thing to be thinking. sigh.
it's really hard for me to make real friends. i havent had a best friend in a long time.
overall, i think i suck.
Wow,
You guys are so beautiful for your courage!! I can really relate to a lot of what you have all said about depression, anxiety, bad relationships, etc. At the risk of sounding pollyanna (sp?), have any of you ever tried meditation? It can really turn your whole life around. At least it did for me.
Some of the hardest things in life are dealt to some of the bravest, most beautiful beings. Hang in there, everyone!
To clarify: The suicidal depression is only when my thyroid levels are off, but as they get off track, my mind goes fuzzy and that keeps me from going to the doctor or getting help. My life spirals down. Once my thyroid replacement dose is adjusted I'm fine again. I do have on and off issues with depression, but it's not severe like that unless it's related to my thyroid.
I've had self esteem/depression issues since I can remember, as such I've been in and out of therapist's offices for nearing 20 years. I'm 26 now.
My mom killed herself when I was 11, as such I had a hell of a time getting treated for my self esteem issues w/o my dr's thinking it all had to do w/ the death of my mom....
I've been on meds, now I'm off. I was told that I'd have to be on them for the rest of my life. I have *yet* to be hospitalized for it. I've found what helps me is to not look at how many days I'm "happy" but to look at the days I'm "okay". If I focus on being satisfied with "okay" then I notice I'll have more "happy" days.
I'm fighting the transition from anxious depression to manic depression/bi-polar disorder.....Last March I had the worst manic episode ever... in the course of a week I had slept a generous 10 hours total.
I lost my virginity when I was 20, was really kissed when I was 18. My sister, who's 24, has only been kissed/held hands on stage/camera....
I care too much about people, I feel too much. I'm learning to be a bitch more, and pull it out more often, as needed. With my physical ailments, I often find myself secluded from others when all I want to do is join in the fun, but instead, I have to ice my knees....
*lol* my ex who I am still on good terms with just called me wanting to hang out....but I can't today, I threw up this morning, and no matter how much I want to visit and get out of the house, here I am! Sounds like he could use a friend to.... things didn't go that well it seems w/ the visit w/ his newborn son's mom.... I really wish I could be there for him right now, but I have to focus on me at the moment.
I got pregnant when I was 21, my partner at the time and I decided that since I was bedridden after a car accident, it was best to terminate, I still believe it was ultimately the best decision, unfortunately, he used it as yet another way to separate me from my family and friends, so when he left me, I had a very small safety net. I feel like I'm going to start crying.... At 24, I found myself pregnant again, this time I miscarried.... I've been engaged twice, to the two who I was impregnated by. I'm starting to believe that I'm never meant to be married....
My current boyfriend is fully supportive of me, he loves me, yet I don't want him to feel responsible for taking care of me when I am in a wheelchair at times due to knee problems, or bed ridden due to back issues.... Okay, I need to go lay down....
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