Vegweb Confessions
This thread is dedicated to brutal honesty and things you would probably only discuss with a shrink or a close friend/family member. Please note that this is not a pity thread, just a venting thread. The point is to learn more about each other and possibly connect on new levels as a community
- I have a really awful relationship with my father. We just don't talk... I never call him and vice versa. The only conversations we ever have are about music, becuase the love of music is the only things we have in common.
- I have a hard time letting people get close to me. Whenever I get too close to someone, I subconsciously push them away. This has ruined the two relationships I've been in, and countless close friendships. I think this stems from my shoddy relationship with my father.
- I have an addictive personality. I've had some major run-ins with drugs in my lifetime. Thankfully, I don't partake in them anymore but sometimes I fear that my drinking will become a serious issue later in life.
I wish I could be as open as Ya'll....but I just can't. You are all so strong and brave....
I have this sneaking suspicion that people I know IRL read this and don't tell me they do....I am forever the pessimist and super critical/synical of all!
It's easy. I've never met anyone here IRL, although I don't think I'd edit myself if I did - it'd just be a downer conversation. Next fall I'd love to travel to the east coast, go to one of your famous meetups and see the fall colors. If I ever did that, I wonder if I'd be as open here?
I think my family might read this.....and there's just things about me I don't want them to know! :-[
I'd love it if you came here....to the mountains that is (not exactly coast). Open invitation to stay with little2ant in a cozy spare bedroom!
Hi, my name is JeanaCorina, and I am a control freak.
I'm working on it, really I am. I've been doing so much better at "letting things go" and not worrying so much about having every little detail be perfect. I try to make it funny, and play the part of super-OCD-bitch, but it hurts when people notice that I run everything. I feel so self-conscious. I don't WANT people to know that everything has to be a certain way or I scream inside. I don't really know how to describe it. I feel like I'm getting better at NOT obsessing over details... but I also feel like just because I don't make a fuss doesn't mean I'm not obsessing. I mean, I might not say that I don't like the way something is. I might just go ahead and change it or do it myself. I'm not sure that's healthy.
I think it all stems from the fact that I never had any control when I was a kid. My dad was really strict and very stubborn... so I didn't get choices. As I got older I started being more forceful and stubborn whenever I had the chance. I didn't want anyone else to control me or the things that were mine. Now it's a full-blown trait. I'm possessive, I'm territorial, I seriously wonder if I would be diagnosed with some type of obsessive compulsive disorder. People have made comments that I'm too micromanaging and that I will never be able to handle kids, a husband, or anything else I can't fully control.
That hurts a lot because I really do want children, but I wonder if it's true. I'd like to think that children would be good for me... that challenging situations in general will teach me to relax, let go, don't stress... but... I don't know. I don't want to lose the control I have yet I don't want to be high-strung and obsessive.
I don't even know if I make sense.
???
For over 2 years, I was taking the combination of soma and extra strength vicoden on a nightly basis, sometimes multiple times a day, sometimes instead of vicoden, I took percoset for pain. I have a funky mixture of musculo-skeletal disorders that only specialists can name.... The last time I was pregnant, I detoxed myself w/o drs monitoring me from the drug combo.... I then miscarried....my ex blamed me for this (even though I had an IUD that had become displaced). 3 weeks after the miscarriage, the night he proposed to me, he declared he wasn't going to be trapped in a sexless marriage....and then forced himself on me. Later, he stalked me, and I wound up staying with a friend who had a spare bedroom for about a month after the break up.
I've been stalked by a homicidal cult....for this reason, I do not put my name on the 'net.
I was sexually assaulted a few years ago. I've learned to lay my cards on the table early on, so that my partners know my triggers, and if one that I forgot to mention occurs, they then kinda have an inkling as to what is going on. I've had tons of growth and healing from this practice. Though last weekend, when I saw a guy that vaguely resembled my ex-fiance' while driving to the show w/ my b/f....I kinda still freaked out.....Okay....now I have to focus on breathing....
i'm really bad at being monogamous. even though michael can be a dick sometimes and he doesnt put things back in the kitchen where they belong. my secrets have a bad impact on our relationship.
telling people in public is step one. telling a counselor is step two. telling michael is step three. we'll meet our goals guys!
Hi, my name is JeanaCorina, and I am a control freak.
???
I'm with you! I understand. I've had some OC behaviors since a young age...but I've gradually gotten better. We are the same age...so I guess I cant' tell you that you'll "grow out of it," but just keep being yourself! If you feel like it's at an unhealthy level..maybe you should try to find some help for it? I've also found that I've gotten a lot better after moving here to Montana from Texas..just more laid back...easier to relax. Ya know? I feel your pain though. Let me know if you need someone to talk to ...who will understand.
this is great therapy for all of us.
I can't even write in a journal because I'm afraid when I die people will read it. I have never wanted anyone to know what I was really feeling.
Yes it is.. the danger only is some wounds should not be opened without being dressed again. But that is why this support network is great here, and it's working perfectly! Yay for VW!
I'm really sorry that so many of you have so many difficult things to deal with in your daily lives.
If anyone wants a support penpal, let me know. I'm pretty good at "listening" (reading?)
I think that I'm going to start a journal so I can keep up with some of my crap. Then, I'm going to start off my college career with a visitor to the student services counselor. They said at orientation that nothing was too big or too small. This way I might stand a better chance of being successful.
PS: My parents are freaking out that I'm taking 14 credit hours. They're freaking out and telling me I won't be able to do it.
PS: My parents are freaking out that I'm taking 14 credit hours. They're freaking out and telling me I won't be able to do it.
You can definitely do 14, definitely! Just stay on top of everything...try not to procrastinate-stay ahead of reading/studying...and you'll do great. Get help whenever you need it/ask questions! Oh, and stay organized. Your parents are WRONG.
JC< I definitely have some CF issues too (control freak). I don't think it has made me a bad parent, and I think you got it when you said it might help you let things go. I think if anything I have settled down a little from parenting! So don't let it keep you from having kids some day. You are pretty young I think, right? And you will change a lot from now until then....I am a TOTALLY different person now than I was in my early 20s (but I think I am the same as I was in second grade!). Don't listen to what others say....
My current relationship with my husband is the first healthy relationship I have ever had, and in some ways I think I try to jeopardize it because I don't know what to do in a healthy relationship. Luckily he's the type of person who can live with a control freak....my advice is to be with someone who is NOT a control freak himself....can't have 2 in one household! but really, i have eased up over the years, and im sure you will too.
cheers! ;)b
Hi, my name is JeanaCorina, and I am a control freak.
I'm working on it, really I am. I've been doing so much better at "letting things go" and not worrying so much about having every little detail be perfect. I try to make it funny, and play the part of super-OCD-bitch, but it hurts when people notice that I run everything. I feel so self-conscious. I don't WANT people to know that everything has to be a certain way or I scream inside. I don't really know how to describe it. I feel like I'm getting better at NOT obsessing over details... but I also feel like just because I don't make a fuss doesn't mean I'm not obsessing. I mean, I might not say that I don't like the way something is. I might just go ahead and change it or do it myself. I'm not sure that's healthy.
I think it all stems from the fact that I never had any control when I was a kid. My dad was really strict and very stubborn... so I didn't get choices. As I got older I started being more forceful and stubborn whenever I had the chance. I didn't want anyone else to control me or the things that were mine. Now it's a full-blown trait. I'm possessive, I'm territorial, I seriously wonder if I would be diagnosed with some type of obsessive compulsive disorder. People have made comments that I'm too micromanaging and that I will never be able to handle kids, a husband, or anything else I can't fully control.
That hurts a lot because I really do want children, but I wonder if it's true. I'd like to think that children would be good for me... that challenging situations in general will teach me to relax, let go, don't stress... but... I don't know. I don't want to lose the control I have yet I don't want to be high-strung and obsessive.
I don't even know if I make sense.
???
Oh, and my husband is about as far from control freak as one can be (used to be a true slob...gamer..) BUT...as two people grow together..he is pretty darn near perfect now. I'll say again that communication is the most important thing...talk about what chores to share/do..let him know how you feel about things (it really bothers me when this...), you know? :)
It can't be a coincidence that so many of us have these issues to grapple with. It could be that our ("messed up") personalities kind of flock to internet forums, and it just happens that we're similar in that way. But I don't think so... I think it's more of a broader, societal thing. People just aren't happy these days. I can't say I'm happy, can you? And if you can, I'm super jealous.
Yes, lucky for me my boyfriend is a very calm, laid-back person. He doesn't really care too much how things end up, as long as everything's okay and I'm happy. He doesn't try to make a mess, or do things he knows will push my buttons. He's extremely patient (almost to a fault- he can't make decisions!), and I think as time goes by I'm learning patience from him.
Now... I really wish I could get him to put the toilet seat down, because I want to throw something at him when I walk in the bathroom... but he has started putting the cap on the toothpaste and wiping off his shaving gel before putting them in the cabinet (nothing goes on the counter except things that match the decor).
We've compromised on him leaving his computer chair out instead of pushing it in- we swapped sides of the bed so that I never have to walk around it.
:-D
I love my Josh. :)
Yes, lucky for me my boyfriend is a very calm, laid-back person. He doesn't really care too much how things end up, as long as everything's okay and I'm happy. He doesn't try to make a mess, or do things he knows will push my buttons. He's extremely patient (almost to a fault- he can't make decisions!), and I think as time goes by I'm learning patience from him.
Now... I really wish I could get him to put the toilet seat down, because I want to throw something at him when I walk in the bathroom... but he has started putting the cap on the toothpaste and wiping off his shaving gel before putting them in the cabinet (nothing goes on the counter except things that match the decor).
We've compromised on him leaving his computer chair out instead of pushing it in- we swapped sides of the bed so that I never have to walk around it.
:-D
I love my Josh. :)
:lol: In line with the time thing (for me)..as I've noticed that I've become much more relaxed with time..I've also realized that..everything's ok!! I mean I still have "cleaning moods" where everything will just feel really dirty..and I need to get it all done..but knowing that your sig. other cares enough to do things that aren't important to him..makes all the difference. Even if there are still a few (...a lot..) of those things (toilet seat, shaving cream top, comp. chair..)...think of all the other great things he's doing!
I used to be bothered by the toilet seat....one day I said, "could you please put the seat down...I have to put it down every time, and it's really annoying." He said, "well...I have to put it up every time.." Yeah! What's the difference? Why should I/he have to be the one to do it...so...now he puts it down more at night (b/c there were a couple of times when I sat down on the cold/weird/gross toilet w/o the seat)..and other times...oh well!
I know what you're sayin'!
Yes, lucky for me my boyfriend is a very calm, laid-back person. He doesn't really care too much how things end up, as long as everything's okay and I'm happy. He doesn't try to make a mess, or do things he knows will push my buttons. He's extremely patient (almost to a fault- he can't make decisions!), and I think as time goes by I'm learning patience from him.
I love my Josh. :)
Sounds just like my Josh! Apparently all Michaels are alike and all Josh's are alike. Who knew? ;)
I'm definitely more of the control freak in our relationship, but I think (and he thinks, too) that I've improved a lot. My mom is a total CF, so that's what I learned from and I'm slowly "unlearning". I think it's part of how girls are brought up, too--that we need to have everything in it's place, and have everything "together" (except during menstruation because then we're all just crazy irrational b*tches, right? ::) ).
:lol: In line with the time thing (for me)..as I've noticed that I've become much more relaxed with time..I've also realized that..everything's ok!! I mean I still have "cleaning moods" where everything will just feel really dirty..and I need to get it all done..but knowing that your sig. other cares enough to do things that aren't important to him..makes all the difference. Even if there are still a few (...a lot..) of those things (toilet seat, shaving cream top, comp. chair..)...think of all the other great things he's doing!
I used to be bothered by the toilet seat....one day I said, "could you please put the seat down...I have to put it down every time, and it's really annoying." He said, "well...I have to put it up every time.." Yeah! What's the difference? Why should I/he have to be the one to do it...so...now he puts it down more at night (b/c there were a couple of times when I sat down on the cold/weird/gross toilet w/o the seat)..and other times...oh well!
I know what you're sayin'!
Ah, yes..."cleaning moods"...I definitely have those! And I also get into what Josh calls my "project mode" where I have a specific goal in mind (painting something, cleaning up the yard, cleaning, etc.) where he's learned to just let me be because I don't want to talk/eat/go anywhere/do anything to distract from my current project until it's completed. My project modes have gotten less intense over time and I'm more willing ti be distracted, but I used to be much worse.
It can't be a coincidence that so many of us have these issues to grapple with. It could be that our ("messed up") personalities kind of flock to internet forums, and it just happens that we're similar in that way. But I don't think so... I think it's more of a broader, societal thing. People just aren't happy these days. I can't say I'm happy, can you? And if you can, I'm super jealous.
For me it's just weird. Like, right now in my life.. everything is soo good. I have reached nearly every goal I wanted to! I do what I love for work, I get to travel the world, I get to live in a tree house, I finished university.. I live comfortably.. I've never been healthier, I can run 20 miles, I can fly a plane, I'm more awake/aware spiritually than I've ever been, I love my veganism and I have soo many fun things coming up in the future...
I just need to let go of the past. The reality is, I never would have got to this point without making some really stupid decisions (they seemed great at the time). And I guess that is the conflict for me. I hate that I had to go through pain to get to the good stuff, but isn't that how it always is? I guess somedays I feel like I don't deserve all of this.
Bob Marley sings (in my fav marley song ever!): Emancipate ourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds..
And in my case it's so true. I think for many people who posted in the thread.. more than anything, we are living in a prison in our own mind. It has no doors or locks and we should be able to walk out...
Ah, yes..."cleaning moods"...I definitely have those! And I also get into what Josh calls my "project mode" where I have a specific goal in mind (painting something, cleaning up the yard, cleaning, etc.) where he's learned to just let me be because I don't want to talk/eat/go anywhere/do anything to distract from my current project until it's completed. My project modes have gotten less intense over time and I'm more willing ti be distracted, but I used to be much worse.
Yep, yep. I don't even have to have "a project." Like if I have a thought..and I'm typing something on VW...and I'm in a mood..I don't like to be bothered! Ironically enough...........this is the time when Patrick wants to "be close to me." "Aww, I just want to be close to you, we're married!"
Me: "I'm doing something!!" :lol:
Ah, yes..."cleaning moods"...I definitely have those! And I also get into what Josh calls my "project mode" where I have a specific goal in mind (painting something, cleaning up the yard, cleaning, etc.) where he's learned to just let me be because I don't want to talk/eat/go anywhere/do anything to distract from my current project until it's completed. My project modes have gotten less intense over time and I'm more willing ti be distracted, but I used to be much worse.
Yep, yep. I don't even have to have "a project." Like if I have a thought..and I'm typing something on VW...and I'm in a mood..I don't like to be bothered! Ironically enough...........this is the time when Patrick wants to "be close to me." "Aww, I just want to be close to you, we're married!"
Me: "I'm doing something!!" :lol:
Ahh! Are Patrick and Josh the same people?! I totally get into "VW mode", too. When I'm in the middle of reading something or typing something and all of a sudden Josh decides that's when he wants to update me on Obama/McCain energy policies...grrr... ::) I need to be more patient, but I suck at being patient. I also suck at snuggling in the summer. I know affection is important, but I hate being hot and Josh is like a freakin' human radiator!
Ahh! Are Patrick and Josh the same people?! I totally get into "VW mode", too. When I'm in the middle of reading something or typing something and all of a sudden Josh decides that's when he wants to update me on Obama/McCain energy policies...grrr... ::) I need to be more patient, but I suck at being patient. I also suck at snuggling in the summer. I know affection is important, but I hate being hot and Josh is like a freakin' human radiator!
Well, apparently they are. Do you think they would be friends? I don't get energy policy updates...but ya know..people have to have a few differences. I guess I don't like to think about it, but confession: I'm not a patient person? I guess some ways I am..some I'm not. I was actually going to add "snugweas" to my quote in the former post; Patrick: "I just want to be close to you. We're married. Snugweas!," but I didn't know who was up on my weasguage. haha! I'm good with snuggling at night b/c it's cool here (cool there too, at night?)..but usually not in the day. I have to say that P would probably beat J on the snuggling meter. Not that I want you to try it out with him...just sayin'.
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