Vegweb Confessions
This thread is dedicated to brutal honesty and things you would probably only discuss with a shrink or a close friend/family member. Please note that this is not a pity thread, just a venting thread. The point is to learn more about each other and possibly connect on new levels as a community
- I have a really awful relationship with my father. We just don't talk... I never call him and vice versa. The only conversations we ever have are about music, becuase the love of music is the only things we have in common.
- I have a hard time letting people get close to me. Whenever I get too close to someone, I subconsciously push them away. This has ruined the two relationships I've been in, and countless close friendships. I think this stems from my shoddy relationship with my father.
- I have an addictive personality. I've had some major run-ins with drugs in my lifetime. Thankfully, I don't partake in them anymore but sometimes I fear that my drinking will become a serious issue later in life.
Um. I have a lot of issues, but nothing bad has ever really happened to me. Not really. Just a lifetime of negating myself, felling insecure, not confident or capable - cuz I gotsa twin sister and she was a big bully.
Confession: I'm seriously considering taking meds (prescribed, of course) to help me control my obsessive thoughts about food and help me gain weight.
We're all so... messed up. It's wonderful.
No really. I don't feel so alone anymore because of vegweb. I feel more connected to you all because of this thread.
It's at moments like this that I feel so lucky to have vegweb - hugs to everyone who is hurting, suffering and ailing.
Know that I will be keeping all of you in my thoughts :'(
What do you guys think of creating some kind of support buddy system? Maybe we could pair up people with different problems and then they can check in with each other--I suggest different problems because that way the other person may have a better chance at giving constructive advice as opposed to two people with the same problem comiserating and possibly triggering each other. Not that people with the same issues should support each other too! Anyways--just a thought--let me know if anyone is interested, maybe we can create some kind of list/database, whatever. :)
Another spreadsheet? Where's bp and KMK?
I think people organically do that. When Cat died, I stopped posting about him on the board because how many times do any of you want to hear that I'm sad, but mdv, jewel, and bp became my messaging team to help me through it.
:-[
I should have been part of the messaging team.
You sent me a card when he was sick, so you're on the team, too.
Thank you. :)>>>
I have epilepsy. Though I was seizure-free for 13 years, I started to get them again this year, and I have no idea why. And I'm not even taking my medication because I'd rather be able to drink.
Although I have been dealing with my friend's death fairly well, it's really messed me up a lot. I'm not the same person anymore, and I take out my anger on my family and my boyfriend. I'm really not all right in the head anymore.
I graduated college in December and still can't find a job, and I feel like a loser.
I think you guys are all fabulous. Kudos on your honesty, it's not easy to let ourselves out there.
I haven't been a member of Vegweb for long, but in that short time, all I've seen here are immensely intelligent, compassionate, interesting people who are worth gazillions of gazillions of billions. After reading your posts, I felt sad that so many were so unhappy in their skins when I think you guys are all so amazing. Of course, I am not in anybody else's shoes but mine, and in many ways, I can see myself in some of your posts.
Everyone has got issues with which they have to come to terms. I think it's a part of who we are, and that builds our characters. I just hope that you will find peace eventually in your life. I may sound like some kind of motivational speaker or something, but that's what I've been thinking when reading your posts. Hugs to you all!
I have epilepsy. Though I was seizure-free for 13 years, I started to get them again this year, and I have no idea why. And I'm not even taking my medication because I'd rather be able to drink.
Although I have been dealing with my friend's death fairly well, it's really messed me up a lot. I'm not the same person anymore, and I take out my anger on my family and my boyfriend. I'm really not all right in the head anymore.
I graduated college in December and still can't find a job, and I feel like a loser.
Don't feel like a loser! It took me over 6 months after graduating university to find a full time job. And when my sister graduated from her master's degree, it took her even longer to find something in her field. It's frustrating, but it doesn't mean you're a loser...it just means that jobs are scarce these days.
I have epilepsy. Though I was seizure-free for 13 years, I started to get them again this year, and I have no idea why. And I'm not even taking my medication because I'd rather be able to drink.
Although I have been dealing with my friend's death fairly well, it's really messed me up a lot. I'm not the same person anymore, and I take out my anger on my family and my boyfriend. I'm really not all right in the head anymore.
I graduated college in December and still can't find a job, and I feel like a loser.
Don't feel like a loser! It took me over 6 months after graduating university to find a full time job. And when my sister graduated from her master's degree, it took her even longer to find something in her field. It's frustrating, but it doesn't mean you're a loser...it just means that jobs are scarce these days.
I totally agree with Happypanda here. For most people, it's hard to get on the work field after college. From my personal experience, I think I've been lucky, but if I were to leave my job right now, I really don't know what I would do, so please, don't feel like a loser.
I graduated college in December and still can't find a job, and I feel like a loser.
Ugh. After I got my master's degree, it took me almost a year to find a job..and I had to commute 45 minutes each way. I did that for 3 years, and just couldn't handle it anymore. I am now waiting tables and waiting to hear back from an interview at my local HFS (cross fingers).
You are definitely not a loser. (I am though. ;))
--hummm.....Ithe firtst time i ever made myself throw up, I was 8....So I have effectivly been struggleing with anorexia and bulimia for more years than my peers have had the cognitive functioning to sound out the words "anorexia and bulimia"
--I started self harming when I was 6. After my mom thretened to sew my lips shut so i would not look like a pig at teh dinner table. I have not cut in 18 months.;...but for the past tso weeks its almost all Ic an think about. I want to do it so badly and if I wasnt afraid of losing my job, I probally would have.
--I used to mutalate my breasts and genitals after my sexual assault. It seemed suiting.
--i feel guilty for both my goats deaths.
--Ive had insomnia since i was a baby so I have been on sleep meds for teh past 2 years. I have not had access t them for over a month adn often I mastrubate to fall asleep. Even though I HATE doing that, its the only thing that works.
-My mom put me through munchasims by proxy as a kid and Im never sure if my symthoms now are imagined or real. I feel like a lie all the time.
--I cant decide if I ever really had an eating disorder or if i just hated my (fat, gross) body and starved myslef for weeks at a time or/and puked several times a day. I realize technically that means i had one...but I just feel like that is "normal" and maybe even okay...but part of me thinks its not and Ive been doing pretty well abstaining latly.
--I lied about my wieght for my drivers liscens and said I wiegh more than i do. I dont know why.
I know it won't help with any of that, vhz, but know that I see you as an awesome, strong woman.
Lotus,
Good to hear from you!
Did you not get the teaching job?? Or is it still possible?
There's another music job posted in Asheville. I say go for it!
I graduated college in December and still can't find a job, and I feel like a loser.
Ugh. After I got my master's degree, it took me almost a year to find a job..and I had to commute 45 minutes each way. I did that for 3 years, and just couldn't handle it anymore. I am now waiting tables and waiting to hear back from an interview at my local HFS (cross fingers).
You are definitely not a loser. (I am though. ;))
I have thought about this...sometimes I think I need to...but I'm scared. I live in a small town and I'm afraid someone will find out and treat me differently. Mostly I deal with it by pretending it didn't happen and shutting it out of my mind, pretending I am this strong person who cannot be hurt. When I allow myself to think about it, it kind of snowballs (like, for the past two days) and then I just wind up feeling worse.
maybe start by just writing stuff and posting to an online community for abuse/assault survivors. google search for support groups and see what you can find. i found brokenspirits.com - maybe check it out. but you should most definitely tackle it; shutting it out is never gonna work. i did that for a long time, and i nearly exploded. if you let it sit, it will continue to fester. you are a strong person and that's why you can face, process, and move on from your experience. you really need to do it, no matter how tough it seems. it will literally change your life. i found it to be not all that difficult once i started working through my stuff. a lot less scarier than i thought it would be.
and no one could ever judge you. ever. i have been frightened to bring my experiences up with boyfriends and some close friends, but all i've ever received is support. you will probably find the same thing to be true for you. and if not, the unsupporters aren't people you need around anyway.
hang in there. and don't be afraid of it. again, once you start working through it, it diminishes and shrinks and becomes so small. that's the best feeling of all, robbing the "thing" of its massive presence. no more snowballs. only sunny fields!
I am depressed on many levels and I can not get over it even though I have nothing to be depressed about. I have the best husband, two healthy kids, a wonderful home, and yet, I am unhappy....
You just described me... any idea what we're supposed to do about it? me neither!?!
K^2
I don't know...but I am considering seeing a doctor and getting medicine...although I hate doctors and medicine, but I don't know what else to do, and it is only getting worse. Hope you start feeling better, though.
I can really relate to this, but its getting better. I'm glad I'm not the only one!
I have made some extremetly unwise choices in the past that have had some devastating consequences.....I can't really share, but its stuff I will have to live with the rest of my life.
I wish I could be as open as Ya'll....but I just can't. You are all so strong and brave....
I have this sneaking suspicion that people I know IRL read this and don't tell me they do....I am forever the pessimist and super critical/synical of all!
I seriously don't know what I would do without vegweb!
Would it be too weird if we had a vegweb convention and all met in person??!! I'd probably be too intimidated to show up! :D
I wish I could be as open as Ya'll....but I just can't. You are all so strong and brave....
I have this sneaking suspicion that people I know IRL read this and don't tell me they do....I am forever the pessimist and super critical/synical of all!
It's easy. I've never met anyone here IRL, although I don't think I'd edit myself if I did - it'd just be a downer conversation. Next fall I'd love to travel to the east coast, go to one of your famous meetups and see the fall colors. If I ever did that, I wonder if I'd be as open here? eta: I would be, but I haven't disclosed the basement demons, either.
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