depressed...
i'm in bed right now. i can't seem to get up. i've been so depressed the last few days that it's been hard for me to do anything. i couldn't even do my yoga last night and i don't know what to do about it. especially since i have to go to work in a few hours and i just want to call in..
i've been struggling with my weight for so long and every day i look in the mirror and hate what i see.. i cry myself to sleep every night. i have 2 doctors and it seems like nothing can help me anymore and i honestly dont really have the will to live anymore..
i dont know what to do... i hate being so unhappy all the time, its mainly because of my weight, but every time i get depressed i just go and binge eat so its not an easy thing to fix.. cuz i've been trying to stop binge eating for over a year...
i wish someone could help me...
Sariea,
You and I have never spoken but I have seen your posts on here. You are so beautiful and sound like you have a great head on your shoulders. You also come across as being incredibly kind and tolerant of others. Like somebody else mentioned, maybe it's time to find a new doctor who actually listens to you and is proactive in helping you get better.
I just want you to know that you are admired and adored by so many members here and that you DESERVE to be happy/ get better. If you ever want to talk to someone who is totally unbiased (because we don't know each other) please, please feel free to email me at eval(unescape('%64%6f%63%75%6d%65%6e%74%2e%77%72%69%74%65%28%27%3c%61%20%68%72%65%66%3d%22%6d%61%69%6c%74%6f%3a%74%6f%6f%74%73%31%40%68%6f%74%6d%61%69%6c%2e%63%6f%6d%22%3e%74%6f%6f%74%73%31%40%68%6f%74%6d%61%69%6c%2e%63%6f%6d%3c%2f%61%3e%27%29%3b')).
When I'm feeling depressed sometimes doing some sort of random act of kindness or something nice for sombody I know can turn my day around.
i just wanna take a moment and thank everyone for their support. you really don't know how much it means to me. i'm still down, not as much as i was earlier but im not better either. i did get through my yoga tonight but i wasn't too focused on it (having just had yet another arguement with the BF) and its really hard to do Breath of Fire with a stuffed up nose haha....
the only part of work that made me feel better was the fact that they let me go home as soon as the work was done, instead of making me sit around for 2 more hours. and i atleast don't have to go back til wednesday.
i will look at those websites, Duckalucky, because i know what u mean. there are some mornings where i'm coming home from the gym and i'm down and to my delighted surprise i see a little family of deer in someone's front yard. it makes me smile. one morning i laughed because a baby deer was jumping around wildly, playing, in someone's yard... the last few days ive wished for things like that because i know it makes me smile and all warm inside, but i get nothing. i'm not really religious but i still believe when i say i guess god saves those kinds of things for when you really need it.
and like the response to this post... i needed it. i walk around every day thinking i'm invisible and that no one gives a damn what i say or do, and truly believing that the world wouldn't be any different (if not better) if i were not here.
so thank you
I think you need to laugh a little bit. Do you laugh? I'm not saying that's it, I'm saying that's part of it.
you're right. i don't laugh. even as close as a week ago i could laugh at stuff, even if it was just a show on tv. now i dont laugh at anything...
It's one way like you've "forgotten" how to laugh and another way it's like the seriousness of life has bound you up and made you blind to everything else in life.
I think you'll be okay in this aspect the minute you realize this.
If it's not this then it's anger I would identify it as frustation. Your frustrated at life.
Saria, I know exactly what you are going through, I am going through the exact same thing. Just last night I was laying spread eagle on the floor, drunk, staring at the ceiling fan spinning round and round with tears rolling from my eyes with the thought continously going through my mind, what do I have to look forward to? I hate my job, I hate where I live, I am fat, I have zits, I have no friends, no family around here, I am alone, nobody cares about me, I should just end it. All I have to do is jump off the balcany, just dive off, like diving into a pool, it would be so easy, then I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. I have felt that off and on for the past ten years, with this last year being the worst. I have been to the doctor before, I was told that I have bipolar disorder...more specifically bipolar 2 disorder, which is bipolar with the depressive episodes but the manic episodes are not so high. Could that be what you have? There is different medications for bipolar disorder than for depression. I was so bad when I lived in Alaska that I made a stupid decision on the spot and moved away from there, it was my dream to live in Alaska but I gave it up because I was going to kill myself, I thought that if I moved and got away then I would feel better, I was wrong, things are worse because now I have terrible regrets and guilt added onto the depression. When I left Alaska I gave away everything I owned including my car, and I also gave up on my life long dream, a dream that I still have but probably will never get the chance to live again. I am going to the doctor Monday, I know that I can't live like this anymore. I think that you probably have some of the same issues. I am able to write this because I am actually manic today, I feel really good. All day I have felt euphoric, happy, wondering how I could have felt so bad last night. I feel like sombody put helium in my body because I feel springy, light on my feet, I feel like skipping and jumping, but I know that this will not last and as always I will get depressed again. So what I am saying is that you should go to the doctor, it is hard. Please don't make the same mistake I did, I made a terrible, terrible mistake that I will regret until I die, please don't do anything drastic, I know that you want to, you want to die, you want to leave, you think that going someplace else will make you happy. Believe me, it doesn't, the depression follows you, haunts you and never goes away. I just hope the doctor can help me, I hope the doctor can help you. We can go to the doctor together, you make an appointment, I am with you, we are in this together, I feel better to know you are there, I feel like I am not fighting this battle alone to know that you feel the same way. We will fight together.
I am sorry for this post, but it has been a losing battle for me and it feels good to know that there are others in the world like me, it makes me feel like I am not so alone anymore. You are not alone...
Sariea,
I know you say you have yoga videos, and that is great, but have you ever gone to a yoga class? I find this to be extremely helpful. Practicing at home is great, but nothing beats the feeling that I get from going to a class, with other people. If it's a good class, the vibes can be really strong. No matter how down or tired I feel, the energy from the others practicing kind of radiates and in turn, energizes me and makes me feel really good. Just a thought. I am so sorry you are going through this!
To SnowQueen,
You have no friends? Gee thanks.
Never underestimate the damage loneliness could do. I had a conversation with someone one time about the topic loneliness. They go,"I wouldn't want to be alone EVEN in heaven." Think about that one.
I think it's truer and truer. I'm such an observer of society it's not funny and I'm seeing it more more that it's true loneliness is a horrible thing it does great great damage.
i'm not bipolar, i've had this discussion with my doctor a few times. he has brought it up, saying that i am not, because i am steadily depressed, not back and forth. my sister is bipolar, however, so i understand what you are going through and i am sorry that you are :( my sister is literally on 6 different medications for it all.. anti depressant, bipolar med, OCD med and god knows what else. i know theres a sleeping aid in there somewhere...
startaurus, i think its a combination of both the seriousness of the world and anger/frustration. i have trouble taking anything light heartedly--everything is serious. and i know when i get down i get very angry and take it out on those around me. if i'm depressed or just not "okay", and my parents talk to me, i get so mad, snap at them when they ask me questions, make nasty comments (not to them, usually its the diet commercials i see, i'm always yelling "you're still fat!" at the people on them).. i dont like myself like that at all. it makes me feel horrible and so very mean, but its like i can't help it---i'm mad at myself and at the world and they are there at the wrong time, y'know?
i'm not bipolar, i've had this discussion with my doctor a few times. he has brought it up, saying that i am not, because i am steadily depressed, not back and forth. my sister is bipolar, however, so i understand what you are going through and i am sorry that you are :( my sister is literally on 6 different medications for it all.. anti depressant, bipolar med, OCD med and god knows what else. i know theres a sleeping aid in there somewhere...
startaurus, i think its a combination of both the seriousness of the world and anger/frustration. i have trouble taking anything light heartedly--everything is serious. and i know when i get down i get very angry and take it out on those around me. if i'm depressed or just not "okay", and my parents talk to me, i get so mad, snap at them when they ask me questions, make nasty comments (not to them, usually its the diet commercials i see, i'm always yelling "you're still fat!" at the people on them).. i dont like myself like that at all. it makes me feel horrible and so very mean, but its like i can't help it---i'm mad at myself and at the world and they are there at the wrong time, y'know?
I think there's an underlying anger issue, I say search for it.
i know how you feel. i've gone through a long, bad bout depression before but i was lucky enough to get better. every once in a while i feel like i might slip back into it, and i have to actively keep myself out of it. it is soo hard not being able to enjoy anything. if you want to talk about it you can email me pixxistix at gmail dot com.
I just got out of a nasty major depressive episode - it sucked. I know how you feel. I can't believe I'm still alive, to be honest. But recovery is much, much better than feeling that way. It is possible, and you are most definitely worth it!
I've heard that persons with ED's don't respond well to antidepressants, so that could be why you had issues previously. Or maybe you just got something that didn't work for you. Mental health issues are complex. That's why it's so important to find the right doctors to help. It doesn't sound like the ones that you're seeing are going to help you. Time to move on. (I hate changing doctors myself - situational social phobia is fun fun.)
Here's some interesting info on medication:
http://www.crazymeds.org
And here's a forum with sections for just about every neuroscience issue you can think of:
http://www.crazyboards.org
Sariea,
I am so sorry to hear that some as lovely and talented as you is battling a deep depression.
I've been checking your post on and off, Sariea. How are you doing?
While I can't fully put myself in your place, I have some idea what it must be like. Lacking drive, motivation and passion, even if everything is going well in your life. Getting out of bed is such an effort. So are simple things like brishing your teeth, or getting dressed or making breakfast.
Physically, mentally and emotionally removing myself from my depressing environment has helped me in the past. That means going for a walk, or to an art museum, to the mountains or movies.
Also, surround your self with people make you happy, not those that just tell you there are people worse of then you, or to stop feeling sorry for yourself. These people don't fully understand depression, or you.
i have been a lot better.. but i have also been worse, at the moment.
trying to get over my huge failure at the art festival this past weekend, the fact that i came home right after and at 3 donuts and 2 pieces of pizza (not advisable--they don't mix) along with many other foods... the battle of trying to lose a few pounds but all i seem to do is gain... while my boyfriend is binge eating just like me and is managing to lose weight.. then the whole thing where my mom's boss decided to give me back the painting i did for her, and take one of my favorite ones instead... i told my mom it didnt bother me, but it really does. shes basically telling me the one i did for her is crap. and then taking one of my favorites... i'm already losing one of my favorite paintings to another artist for an art swap, i didnt want to lose another one...
theres so much going on and i can't seem to stop spinning, everything feels out of control
i think what startaurus said is true, and that there is some kind of anger issue going on.. i look in the mirror, dont like what i see, get snappy at people. find out my painting was rejected for one that is special to me, i get angry and don't want anyone to talk to me
i went to my boyfriend's house last night after all that, and he did manage to make me feel a little better--after letting me cry on him for a few minutes... but i wasn't happy either. i havent been happy in a very long time, like i dont know how it feels to be happy anymore.. there really isnt anything or anyone that will make me happy
im sorry if that was TMI or too long, i just needed to rant... :-[
If exchanging the favorite painting for the "crap" one bothers you so much then tell the woman that you've changed your mind and then ask to have it back. You don't want to make yourself feel worse by holding your anger/hurt inside. You have the right to voice your feelings. Use it.
i havent been happy in a very long time, like i dont know how it feels to be happy anymore.. there really isnt anything or anyone that will make me happy
Sorry to hear your still feeling down Sariea. I have a few questions....I hope you don't mind. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, but I'd like to ask:
How does it make you feel when you "create" your art? Do you lose yourself in it? Do you go "someplace else" when you create art? If so, is it a good place or a frustrating place for you? Do you feel "blocked" or "clear" these days when you create your art? I think just asking...as a musician....I definitely go into a "zone" when I'm playing/performing...one where I would not even know my first name if you taped me on my shoulder mid performance and asked me. I'm not always in that place...but when I am...it's good....maybe even the "best" things in life can ever be for me...things flow freely...like I'm on autopilot or something. I could not ever explain to anyone how I get there...or how one could find it themselves....but I was wondering if you too get "into some place" like that when your creating. Maybe...just maybe it's something for you to tap into. To find out how you get there....and to be able to try and "tap" it at will....Or.....most likely....I'm just an idiot and a freak....(well....either way...I'm an idiot and a freak).
You don't need to answer....I think I wanted to know if your art is a "good, safe, & happy" place for you..
-dave
Davedrum, most of the time it is a good place for me to be, doing my art. i put on music that inspires me and go. even if its just the same song over and over. most of my paintings each have their own song associated to them. but whether i feel blocked or clear or frustrated or happy.. depends on how it goes. if i'm working on a painting and not having great success with it (compared to some of my better work), i get frustrated, then blocked so badly that its difficult for me to finish it--i have a few that i look at them and can tell there is something wrong or missing, but i dont know what it is. but even when it is a happy/clear place for me, it doesnt solve my problems, or help at all. all it does is make me stop for an hour or two. then when i'm done, everything comes rushing back
Mirrya1, its not so much that exchanging it that bothered me (okay it does bother me) but the fact that i was not included in this decision. when my mom dropped Lisa (the woman exchanging paintings) off at her house after my art festival sunday, i knew she was going to take some paintings to see if they fit on her wall. but she never EVER mentioned the one she decided on taking. i feel like, because i was never asked if she could have it, because my mother told her it was fine, and because she assumed it was fine, that it was stolen from me. if i had been asked, i probably would have been fine with it, but i wasn't... and it just makes me really angry..
Let's see now. I don't know about everyone else but if something is "crap" I don't get it a second time. No Sariea it's your work was beautiful the first time and your mom's boss saw something even more beautiful and she wanted it.
Don't ever let anyone say your paintings are crap. Say, "Come on now I'm in the business of earning money not in hearing your commentary."
Who used to binge eat first you or your boyfriend?
i was binge eating first. thats why i feel bad about it.. i feel like i passed it on to him, because when we first started dating he was fine, then he lost a lot of weight really quickly (we dont know why) and i got upset because i was worried about his health so he started eating more and now he copes with stress by binge eating.. but every time i say something to him about it, he says he's always binged, just not as bad as lately
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