NVR - friend's husband killed - what do i do for his family?
obviously this is very NVR, but i'd love your ideas as to how i can help someone i met through a friend and don't know very well, but who is a wonderful person and mother. this girl is totally fun and nice, and the mother to two girls - one who is less than a year old. her husband / the girls' dad was killed yesterday by a speeding teenager; this leaves my friend with an obvious awful lot to deal with. what can i do to help? i thought about preparing a few meals for her and her girls that can be frozen and used whenever. what are your ideas? i am not too familiar with how to handle this type of situation, but i want to do what i can to help her - simply, without bugging her, and just passing something along.
thanks in advance for your input.
Food is always a good thing. I'd get a very simple card, not one that even mentions sympathy, or i'm sorry for your loss, maybe a blank one w/ a pretty picture on the front. Just say briefly how you are there for her, anytime, for anything she needs, offer to babysit maybe? That is what I would do. I personally cannot stand those froufy cards w/ poems and stuff, I think handwritten anything is much better. Good luck with that, let us know how it goes.
The babysitting idea is a good one, I know when my mother died when I was 11, those offers really helped my dad out at certain times. When it comes to food, my family has gotten into the habit of giving breakfast/snackish foods. Learning from our grieving process, we found we couldn't stomach heavy meals, and really learned to appreciate things like instant breakfasts, pastries, etc.
I think both the babysitting and food ideas are really fantastic. At a time like this the last thing on their minds is probably cooking and some homecooked foods would probably be really comforting to have.
Instead of flowers, a potted plant can be nice. It's something growing. Choose something easy to care for.
My mother lost a set of twins the year before I was born and someone gave her a sansevaria (harts-tongue philodendron). It lived to be well over 30 years old and she cherished it.
And of course the greatest gift is to listen to your friend, to let her know you are there if she needs to talk, vent, rant whatever. Even the fact that you're "not that close" will help--she might be uncomfortable "burdening" a closer friend. (That may be a more European thing, I may be wrong.) But let her know you're there.
It might be nice to make up some meals that they can freeze--soups, lasagna, casseroles, spaghetti sauce, etc (and in her case, things that are kid-friendly). My mom has always made meals for friends/family who have lost a loved one because when you're faced with a death, you don't really feel like cooking. This way, if there are nights when she just can't bring herself to make something, she and her kids can still have a healthy meal by just throwing something in the oven/microwave to be heated up.
A plant is also a great idea (another thing my mom has always done). My parents will buy a gift certificate to a local nursery for the price of a tree that the person can plant in their yard as a sort of memorial.
I agree that a potted plant would be great. Something pretty but also long-lasting and easy to care for.
Soups.
I found it very true when my best friend passed away that it was difficult to eat much. A good healthy bowl of soup is easy and quick to heat. You might even make some cornbread or biscuits to go along.
Anything that can be munched on. Baked goods are common, but for good reason.
People deal with loss in such different ways, but I know the last thing I wanted to hear was "I'm so sorry..." Just give her a friendly hug and let her know you're there for her, and she can come to you with anything she needs. Don't be melodramatic, don't try to "understand". Write your phone number down and tell her she can stick it to her fridge and call anytime.
Good luck. Death is a tough thing to deal with, but it's tough for friends to figure out how to help, too.
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Just give her a friendly hug and let her know you're there for her, and she can come to you with anything she needs. Don't be melodramatic, don't try to "understand". Write your phone number down and tell her she can stick it to her fridge and call anytime.
Good luck. Death is a tough thing to deal with, but it's tough for friends to figure out how to help, too.
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I'll second that.. my father passed away while I was out of the country studying with people I had only known for a couple of months. I felt obligated to tell them why I was going to be mysteriously absent for a while, but I also felt extraordinarily guilty in making them respond to such a massive event, especially not knowing me or my family situation too well. I appreciated just their presence, and simply the willingness to "roll with me" as I reacted to the news and made last-minute arrangements to go home, as well as once I got back. My housemates left a card and some chocolates outside my room the night I found out and that quiet gesture reassured me that while I was not alone, I was also not pressured into talking about anything until I was ready. Openness to talk or not to talk was meaningful for me, since I'm not a big talker, esp. about personal stuff. Like everyone else has said, simply letting her know you're nearby will help, even if it seems to you that you're not doing all you would like to.
Snackable, light foods are an excellent idea too.
In addition to the previously mentioned ideas--I especially favor the food and potted plant gift--I suggest giving her a book of stamps, or however many stamps you're willing to buy...
grieving families often write a lot of thank you notes in the months that follow...providing the postage will be SO helpful for her at a time like this.
Also, if you or friends quilt, or if there's a quilting guild in your area, a small quilt often heals a lot of wounds. Or a large quilt, if you can afford one. Maybe buy it together with other of her friends. When my MIL died I was given a lot of quilt squares from all over the world and made my own, but I know of other friends who have been given finished quilts and it means so much. Contact your local quilt/fabric shop and they can put you in touch with a bee or guild if there is one in your area.
Food is always good. But don't feel that you really have to do something. People always want to do something or get something.
Sometimes all we can do is say we're sorry, let her know you're there and not be a stranger in the coming months. Often people are all over these people right after it happens but two months down the road it becomes a little bleak for them as friends become scarce. Offer to baby sit in the coming months.
wow, guys, thanks so much for all the awesome ideas. i truly appreciate it. i think my bf and i are going to send a non-grievance card (good call on not pointing out the obvious) with the offer to take her girls for the day, on any day, whenever. i'll probably send over some quick and easy comfort foods, too (reheatable soup, pasta, maybe some baked goods), and i really like the plant / tree idea. i think a gift certificate to a nursery is an excellent idea as it's something she and her girls can participate in together...
you all make some really good points i may not have thought of. tweety, thanks for the reminder that three months from now will be just as important as today - i agree and will certainly keep that in mind.
my gratitude for the ideas and input. it's nice to have vegweb as a resource for this type of situation, so thanks for sharing your experiences.
I think the food is a good idea. It maybe true that in the grieving process, one may lose their appetite, but kids often pass through their grief more quickly than others and might be wanting "normal meals" before their mom feels up to cooking.
tell her you want o help in a any way you can...house cleaning might be good, there might be a support group in the town for those in grief- maybe offer to watch the kids while she does that or while she sees a counselor...I don't know how old the other child is, I'm sure the one year old is too young for a support group but taking thekids to a children's support group for her might be good too..
Good luck