Mid-life crisis
(yes, I'm only 23 but I'm sure this is mid-life, for me anyways....I'm for sure gonna kick it before 50)
I was just on myspace....man, fricken' all my friends are getting married and having babies. :-( I feel so left behind. I mean on the one hand...I don't want to rush things and end up in a shit situation with someone I don't care about and kids I have to support with no degree or something...but, I DO want a family. I felt left behind last year too when all the people from my class graduated from college.
Frick....just when I feel like Id really be okay with being single my whole life and adopting kids as a single person (which I plan to adopt with or without a man, just you know...)
So, my best friend told me on the 11th of January that she eloped on the 11th of December. Yeah, thanks Zoe... :-[ Now she wants me to help her plan her "real wedding." I have to be a bridesmaid/maid of honor in THREE weddings this summer....and see all the freaking babies that I WANT to be having. Its now of the utmost importance to everyone that I find someone to date...and its not like I can lie and say I dont "want to date right now." I mean, I do...but it must not be a priority for me becasue I mean, I work 55ish hours a week and go to school nearly full time now...I for sure want my degree before I start fostering/adopting/birthing(?) my own children....No, I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who's not the RIGHT one for me. I refuse to settle!
but I cant help feeling depressed about where my life is not...I'm trying to find contentment...but man I really am depressed...I just started back on depression meds...I'm sure part of why this is effecting me so much is that I have a legitimate chemical imbalance in my brain...but WTF man....I need some breathing time from all these birth/pregnancy announcements and fucking bridesmaid dresses.
Sorry for ranting guys....I just dont feel like their is anyone besides my boss who I can say these things to becasue literally everyone I know is....celebrating something great in their lives. Please dont think I begrudge them...I real do rejoice for them...but....o geeze!
all the people that i know that got married around your age are either divorced, having major troubles, or wrestling with idea of staying married. i was in a long relationship that started when i was around your age and i couldnt be more happy that he and i never got married. what a mess it wouldve been to do that just because it seemed like the 'right time'. don't stress yourself out over these things, you are SO SO SO young! you have plenty of time to get married and adopt one day. cherish your child-free time while you can! (which i know isnt much being a nanny and all..) just relax and don't focus on comparing yourself to other & what you don't have.. focus on what you do have going for you! and i really hope that if you plan on adopting one day you definitely plan on living past 50 - you wanna see your grandbabies dont ya? they're the best part - i just wanna skip over having my own and just have grandkids!
(((Zealia)))
I think you already have your answer as to what you want, but there are just too many outside factors coming at you at once. Firstly, I would find just one solid single friend that you can connect with. Secondly, if your friends make comments for you to "find" someone just explain why that isn't the priority in your life right now. Real friends would understand that and make sure you are comfortable and not feeling pressured while you guys are hanging out.
I got married at 24....and I got lucky. Most people that age and younger aren't equipped to have a healthy long-term marriage. I'm now 27 and am not really thinking about kids either. All this marriage/kid crap comes in phases. Just hang in there through the summer! :bear2:
Everyone at their own pace, at their own time.
There is no time line for these things, no checklists and no proper procedure. They will happen for you, to you when the time is right.
A very wise television theme song once informed me:
"Now, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum,
What might be right for you, may not be right for some. "
Love happens but only when you stop looking for it. I know this.
As I said, get married only when you absolutely have to--in order to continue breathing. You'll know. Don't "settle for" anything. My sister married a guy because she was 25 and had already turned down one offer...and he was there. And he's a total waste of space. And they don't really get on, they just "bear with" one another in that peculiarly Midwestern way.
You have a choice. Enjoy your freedom to travel, work, and live to please yourself, or become embittered and envious. Your call.
Posting to say that I agree with everyone else's opinions.
When I was growing up, my dad told me to not get married until I was at least 26 years old.
There's no point in rushing things, Z. You will find someone special at the right time.
;)b
Quarterlife crisis...
This too, shall pass.
Look at your life now. Embrace the the things you love and work on building more and work on diminishing the things you dislike. If you are working full time and have an over full time job, there really is no way to put more in there, is there?
Also, do what is best for YOU. Not to keep up with the rest of the world. You wont be happy. Your main goal should be to be happy.
*hugs*
Thanks guys for the advice. I get that logically it really is silly for me to be worried about this just yet- there's just some part of my brain that is disagreeing right now. Do you think it could just be hormonal? Like everyone talks about how teenagers are so hormonal and want to have sex all the time, I never went through that stage...I don't know why...Do you think maybe I am really just getting it delayed, only instead of wanting sex I want a partner and a baby/child??? Maybe?
I think part of my fear is that I am a very goal oriented person...Like, I get very narrow-mindedly focused....I WANT my degree, I know this is the best time in my life to get it. However, I'm worried that I will always be SO focused on my work and school that I'll forget to allow for time for these other things, you know? I really like to volunteer and be involved in church related things...to me, it makes sense that I'll probably meet the person I *am* supposed to be with doing one of those things that I love, becasue they would probably have similar values and goals...Does that make sense? Not that I go to the humane society to hook up with the dude giving baths at intake, but you know what I mean ;) However, with the current schedual I have, I barely get to church (its a small church that I go to becasue its spiritually fulfilling but there are no prospects there on the love outlook. hehe) never mind do other things I'm passionate about. That makes it sound like I am not passionate about my jobs- I am, but I guess they can be more isolating than most jobs---When I'm not working in somebodies home as their nanny, I work as an aide to a disabled woman, in her home.
Well, I feel a little bashful about this whole thread (because it sounds like a pity party :-\)...I think my guard was down because I had been trying to fall asleep for about 4 or 5 hours when I posted (obviously without success on the sleep) Not that I was up obsessing about this in particular....But it sure did help to get it out there and off my chest. Lol. And the reminder...I AM doing the right thing....even if its not what norm amongst my friends....Thanks all.
From one sleepless person to another, yes it's what we call "two o'clock devils." It's when your tired and sleepy but not sleeping that you get a thought...any thought...and obsess about it. And if you've got something that really is bothering you, that's the hour it chooses to sneak up on you and bite you in the subconscious. Which shovels it all into your conscious mind, and there we are. Wide awake. Again.
FTR: People who tell me "well just don't think about it" make me understand the phrase "going postal." If I could stop justlikethat, it wouldn't be a problem.
Wow, I can relate. I'm 25 and many of my friends (all of them, really) have already been married. They were getting married between 20-23 and popping out babies all the time.
I felt so jealous, because I know for 100% certain I want a family, but I'm too dang smart to just get myself knocked up! I have goals, too.
I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but the average woman today gets married around age 29. So, even though it seems like EVERYONE is getting married, it's not true everywhere. Tons of women are like us and have priorities and are putting off weddings and babies.
I want to get married. Heck, I even have the guy. But it's not the right time yet. It drives me crazy, but then I see over half of those friends getting divorced, most with kids involved. In fact, the only person still with their first husband who got married before age 25 is my cousin. They have 2 kids and are very happy. It's awesome. I want that.
Then I think of the other friends who've had marriages that weren't right, and I know waiting longer is better than the alternative.
Just take a breath and be proud of yourself for not jumping into the wrong relationship. Waiting is worth it. Even when you find THE guy, waiting until you can afford a family is worth it. The last thing you want to do is miss out on your young adulthood and then resent your marriage because of it.
Good luck, from a fellow biological-clock-ticker.
8-)
And yes, one can live perfectly happily without reproducing, even in a marriage. I would have LIKED to do that but it was never a good time. Now I look back and wish I had adult kids (even Melthibs could be mine!) but I'm glad it didn't happen because I care about human beings and I know that it would have been very hard for us to raise a child both economically and emotionally. Children are people, not toys, trophies or a validation of my value as a human being. And if I had had a child my mental and emotional state at the time would have meant the poor thing would have found its childhood almost as traumatic as I found my own. Though I trust I wouldn't have mistreated the poor mite.
I live surrounded by adults who don't take me seriously as an adult because I haven't bred. They also seem to think I do nothing all day long, "Because, after all-- you don't have kids!" We apparently have it easy, have no expenses, no needs, no reason to be unhappy about anything. After all--we don't have kids. >:( :-X
Mid life crisis?? Ahhhhhh :(
The spirit is always willing but the flesh is not. >:(
Let me just say that early twenties is WAY to young to get married. At least to me. I couldn't even fathom something like that for myself for another 10 years. Seriously, zealia, you're so young! It's a quarterlife crisis, for sure.
Oh, and you rock! ;)b
facebook news feed is the worst for this. oh my goodness. every week or month i see more and more friends changing their status, changing their profile picture to their engagement/wedding rings, pictures of their weddings, changing their last names!!!@ UGH!!! for a little bit i wanted to get married because it looked like so much fun, but then i thought about my friends who cant get married yet because the powers at be say that its not right. so now i have a new motive. i will not get married until all of my friends can get married. so now my excitement about having a big party has been changed to excitement for legislation to be changed. yay!
i totally agree with yabbit about the right person will come to you when you aren't looking and least expect it. why that happens??? i dont know. maybe because when you're not looking for someone you are comfortable with yourself and seem very independent (whether thats true or not, i am very dependent, but was sick of being dependent for the one weekend i met michael : )
something else.... i've heard many a stories about people meeting their soul mates at their friends weddings. just sayin.
Let me just say that early twenties is WAY to young to get married. At least to me. I couldn't even fathom something like that for myself for another 10 years. Seriously, zealia, you're so young! It's a quarterlife crisis, for sure.
Oh, and you rock! ;)b
I was married in early twenties. It is 38th year of my marriage . It all depends upon you both to make it work.
To make it a success, never get bored with each other.
NJA
I was married at 20. Have been married 26 years. Never doubted where I wanted to be. Yes, we have been through hell...my depression, his depression (work-related), fighting the old traumas in my case, several bouts of unemployment...but I married him to be with him, and he married me to be with me. And we just didn't worry about all the "shoulds" and "oughts." Like you ought to have kids, or you should have this or that "thing." We're poorer than everyone I know, we don't have the long vacations away, or the fancy clothes, or the this or that. My husband is not the traditional present-buying type. I don't even have an engagement ring. But that's his character. He puts up with my oddnesses and I put up with his. That's what makes it work, besides being two sides of the same being. We are so different. But we fit.
I was married at 20. Have been married 26 years. Never doubted where I wanted to be. Yes, we have been through hell...my depression, his depression (work-related), fighting the old traumas in my case, several bouts of unemployment...but I married him to be with him, and he married me to be with me. And we just didn't worry about all the "shoulds" and "oughts." Like you ought to have kids, or you should have this or that "thing." We're poorer than everyone I know, we don't have the long vacations away, or the fancy clothes, or the this or that. My husband is not the traditional present-buying type. I don't even have an engagement ring. But that's his character. He puts up with my oddnesses and I put up with his. That's what makes it work, besides being two sides of the same being. We are so different. But we fit.
I absolutely love and envy yours story!
Dude. Zealia, I feel ya. I'm almost 29 and it seems that all of my friends are married, getting married, divorced, or in serious relationships. Actually, 3 of my ex-boyfriends from high school and college are divorced. One just got RE-MARRIED. My best friend from high school got married when we were 19 and has 2 kids. It's weird. I feel like I'm getting to the age where people look at you funny when you say you're single. I know it's all in my head though. Logically I know that 29 is still pretty young, but when I see so many people settling down, it makes me think again. Plus, I remember when my mom turned 28! HA. Here's a story for you, she and my dad got married a week after she graduated from high school. She was 17, he was 20 and in the air force. They didn't have me until she was 21. So, 28 was the first birthday of hers that I remember. I really freaked out when I turned 28...without even any prospects, you know?
Deep down, I'm ok with being single. I so badly want to be a mom, but I will never settle for someone I don't feel is completely right. Yabbit, I really love what you said about only getting married because you have to in order to breathe. So, if I don't find that person, I can be a mom by myself...not ideal, but I really want to be a mom someday.
ETA: My mom and dad are still together, btw...33 years this June. And they are still ALL OVER EACH OTHER. They are such an anomaly though. When I was in high school, they told me that I better not even think about getting married right after high school.
Dude. Zealia, I feel ya. I'm almost 29 and it seems that all of my friends are married, getting married, divorced, or in serious relationships. Actually, 3 of my ex-boyfriends from high school and college are divorced. One just got RE-MARRIED. My best friend from high school got married when we were 19 and has 2 kids. It's weird. I feel like I'm getting to the age where people look at you funny when you say you're single. I know it's all in my head though. Logically I know that 29 is still pretty young, but when I see so many people settling down, it makes me think again. Plus, I remember when my mom turned 28! HA. Here's a story for you, she and my dad got married a week after she graduated from high school. She was 17, he was 20 and in the air force. They didn't have me until she was 21. So, 28 was the first birthday of hers that I remember. I really freaked out when I turned 28...without even any prospects, you know?
Deep down, I'm ok with being single. I so badly want to be a mom, but I will never settle for someone I don't feel is completely right. Yabbit, I really love what you said about only getting married because you have to in order to breathe. So, if I don't find that person, I can be a mom by myself...not ideal, but I really want to be a mom someday.
ETA: My mom and dad are still together, btw...33 years this June. And they are still ALL OVER EACH OTHER. They are such an anomaly though. When I was in high school, they told me that I better not even think about getting married right after high school.
I respect your perspective greatly and wish more people felt the same way. And your Mom and Dad are obviously the perfect example of finding the right person. Sometimes you just have to be patient and not succumb to social expectations. Age is a relative issue and the older you get, the more you realize that fact.
VHZ, you might read Bridget Jones' Diary. Forget the movie, which sux. Go for the book. You laugh because it's true, as well as funny.