really stressed out here...
my BF Dean's sister is getting married in September and her bridal shower is mid-July
i literally was JUST let off the hook to do her wedding cake (along with her mom) because the bakery that i work at won't give us a copy of the health permit--which i can understand, liability for something that didn't even come out of that bakery.
but now her best friend just emailed me thanking me for doing the bridal shower cake, saying she wanted white cake with raspberry buttercream frosting (?????!!!!) and that she is looking forward to meeting me
okay i wasnt even planning on going. i have major social anxiety issues and unless i take a whole pill from my medication, i wouldnt be able to make it thru that party, unless i stick to Dean's mother's side like glue.
and for another thing, i never agreed to do the cake! i'm stressing out so bad and i have to go to work in 30 minutes which is even worse because my anxiety has been making me sick a lot and i can not afford to leave work early again.
i have no idea what to do... because it looks like i have no choice but to do the cake and go to the party. i know i SHOULD, but even thinking about it makes me feel like vomitting from the anxiety..
i do yoga at night and take Clonazepam for my anxiety but it has been wearing off lately and if i up it even by 1/4 of a pill i'm totally knocked off my feet so i really can't do anything about it that way. deep breathing has never really worked for me so i must not do it right
i just talked to my mother for a few minutes and that calmed me down but ... :-[
Aww, I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. The thing that drives me crazy about weddings is that they tend to stress out everyone--even those who aren't really involved with them!
If you aren't up to confronting your friend face to face, you might try writing her an email explaining that you (still) can't make the cake because you are under contract (or however you want to put it so that the legal liability thing is apparent) with your bakery and can't do the cake for her. This isn't your fault, and I can't imagine that she would see it that way. Wedding cakes are not particularly hard to get. Especially buttercream frosting ones. ^_^ She'll be able to find one, especially since you are letting her know (again) now. :)
You also do not have to go to the wedding if you don't feel like it. Guilt tends to go along with social anxiety, so maybe you feel kinda guilty about saying you won't go. But you don't need to worry...she probably won't even see you at the wedding if you did go. You could always try phrasing it in terms of "I'd love to meet up before your wedding so we actually can chat, because I know how busy you're going to be at the wedding." Plus, if you decide you don't want to go to the wedding, I'm sure it will be okay. If she is at all a reasonable person, she will not think twice about your having other obligations than going to her wedding (after all, you have your own job and family that you have to take care of). ^_^
As someone who oftentimes dreads these social scenes, too, ... if I may offer a suggestion. Face the sources of your anxiety -- and knock 'em down.
First, the wedding cake. Apologize to the best friend and explain that you are unable to do the bridal shower cake due to the circumstances at your workplace. Explain that you had looked forward to helping out and were not expecting the health and legal road blocks that surfaced. Let her know ASAP so she has enough time to find another baker, and to also relieve you of the stress much sooner.
Second, I don't know how close you are to the bride, but try to politely decline the bridal shower invitation. Instead send a gift, or flowers for the occasion or something, wishing her well.
If you do choose to go, bring a close friend or family member with you, someone you feel comfortable around. That way you won't feel awkward, anxious or engaged in moments of forced cordiality and conversation.
Sariea, you sound like a caring and loyal person. But you need to take care of yourself first. Use the time you would have spent helping with the cake, or at the party, doing something that nourishes you...reading, walking, a bath, ... a chocolate chip cookie.
Hope this helps some.
but now her best friend just emailed me thanking me for doing the bridal shower cake, saying she wanted white cake with raspberry buttercream frosting (?????!!!!) and that she is looking forward to meeting me
and for another thing, i never agreed to do the cake!
Sorry to hear about the anxiety problems. I hope you are able to find something that works for you. As far as the cake goes, I'd simply e:mail her and say that you are unable to make it. Just because you are the bride's brother's girlfriend doen't mean you are obligated to make anything. Especially if it is something you aren't able to attend.
Second, I don't know how close you are to the bride, but try to politely decline the bridal shower invitation. Instead send a gift, or flowers for the occasion or something, wishing her well.
Sariea, you sound like a caring and loyal person. But you need to take care of yourself first. Use the time you would have spent helping with the cake, or at the party, doing something that nourishes you...reading, walking, a bath, ... a chocolate chip cookie.
The whole "thanking you for the cake" sounds like you are being passively shanghaied. The friend has heard you said "no" but maybe not why, and thinks she can railroad you into doing this other cake by serving you a big bowl of guilt!!
As an agoraphobic, I totally understand. I never attend weddings or funerals and only one person ever gave me any flak about it and he wasn't even the person getting married!! And I think it isn't going to be worth it to you, to have to drug yourself up to the eyebrows to attend a function you don't want to attend in the first place. Whether it is the shower or the wedding itself, one more body won't be missed. It's not like it's your sister! If she truly is a friend she knows you and will understand, and if she doesn't understand and acts all offended, she is not a true friend.
If you decided to do this to prove something to yourself, that would be one thing. Do NOT allow yourself to be manipulated by "other people" or "public opinion." Trust me, the public doesn't actually have one.
Just say no. I can't do it. I'm not doing the cake.
If anyones goes further asking why. Tell them you don't feel confortable with it.
If anyones dares to go forward with it say I'm sorry I just can't do it, really.
I agree yoga helps but sometimes you just have to tell people what the deal is before you are burden with any stress you don't need to be a part of.
Relax, that you can do it! Think of your health.
The whole "thanking you for the cake" sounds like you are being passively shanghaied. The friend has heard you said "no" but maybe not why, and thinks she can railroad you into doing this other cake by serving you a big bowl of guilt!!
If you decided to do this to prove something to yourself, that would be one thing. Do NOT allow yourself to be manipulated by "other people" or "public opinion." Trust me, the public doesn't actually have one.
That was what I thought, too.
Hugs, Sariea. It sounds (reads) to me like you really aren't comfortable with the whole thing. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. Don't let anybody guilt you into this. I would probably email the friend, simply saying that you can't do it. She does not need to know anything personal. And I wouldn't feel bad about emailing that response, either. After all, she emailed you to tell you that you ARE doing this.
Maybe you can say something in the email like,
"Unfortunately, it turned out that I won't be able to do the cake. Have a wonderful time at the shower."
And just duck out of it that way?
It does sound like they are trying to maybe push you into something... or sometimes with weddings detail just don't get passed on to the people who need to know... you never know.
Don't let it bug you. "Let them eat cake!" (Just cake that someone else made!! :D)
yabbitgirl, i have agoraphobia too. i've had it since elementary school (and i'm 22 now). it seemed to go away for a little bit for some reason but now it is back and almost worse than ever, i dunno why.
Dean's mother asked me on saturday if i could do the cake and i'm pretty sure i said "i'll have to think about it" but i definately did NOT say yes. and plus... i mean i have done cakes for the family. i've done graduation cakes for Deans brother that looked like a realistic grill with hamburgers and hotdogs (made out of fondant... the kid loves meat and grilling ::) ) and i did a snoopy cake for his sister's birthday a few months ago with dancing snoopy all around the cake made out of white and dark chocolate but...
raspberry buttercream frosting??? c'mon. updating though...
unfortunately, i am going to have to go. i'm just hoping that Dean's grandma is going to be able to make it because she absolutely loves me and i can hang out with her the whole time and not really worry too much. and i will end up making the cake but whether its a cake from scratch or a cake from my work, i don't know yet...
i just think the whole thing is rude though... but thanks for all your opinions and thoughts! i really appreciate it
yabbitgirl, i have agoraphobia too. i've had it since elementary school (and i'm 22 now). it seemed to go away for a little bit for some reason but now it is back and almost worse than ever, i dunno why.
I hear you!! The older I get the worse it seems to get. I'm OK outside, on the street, but you get me in a train station or a supermarket and I have to be very very brave. Especially those (expletives deleted) superstores!! Even sitting in the middle of a pew at church can be...difficult. I need to sit where I can see the door! For years I thought it was claustrophobia but then I realised, it's not small spaces, it's large groups of people. Noise, movement, etc.
My detonator seems to have been in 96 when I flew unexpectedly to the States to visit my elderly aunt, whom I know I will never see again in this life. I don't know why (I've made that hop many times) but it was just so hard for me, I cried all the way to Chicago! Then when I got there, there had been a suicide in the extended family the day before. Charming. When I got back home it took me almost a month to get over the jetlag etc.
But knowing "why" doesn't help the "what." And it gets worse and worse. I'm afraid I'm going to end up like Garbo, a lonely, family-less recluse with far too many cats. Email me lachimpa 40 @ yahoo dot co dot uk if you want to chat...without the spaces.
yeah i know, grocery shopping is bad for me. i can't go shopping at all unless i know what i'm getting, where it is, and if that time of day is a slow-time for that store.
when i was younger, my mom and twin sister would take me to the mall (i would want to go) but as soon as we got there, i started freaking out and my stomach would start to hurt really bad from the anxiety. starting in elementary school i used to come home sick every single day (not kidding)
and church? forget about it. most of the time my family would have to come find me when it was time to leave because i'd be sitting upstairs in some quiet place or just hiding in the bathroom.
speaking of detonators, i think mine started in elementary school when all us kids were in line to go to the cafeteria for a school-meeting and the kid next to me threw up in the hall. seeing everyone's reactions of disgust just stuck with me i guess, and now every time i feel the SLIGHTEST bit sick or off, i start to panic.
speaking of detonators, i think mine started in elementary school when all us kids were in line to go to the cafeteria for a school-meeting and the kid next to me threw up in the hall.
Ugh! Seeing that reminded me of a time in elementary school (I went to a small private catholic school) when we were standing in line to use the bathroom. The girl next to me threw up in her hands which caused me to throw up. I'm not by any means agoraphobic now because of that but ever since then I'm a sympathy puker whenever I see, smell or hear someone throw up. :-\
i do yoga at night and take Clonazepam for my anxiety but it has been wearing off lately and if i up it even by 1/4 of a pill i'm totally knocked off my feet so i really can't do anything about it that way. deep breathing has never really worked for me so i must not do it right
i just talked to my mother for a few minutes and that calmed me down but ... :-[
I love yoga and I always find family support in times I am extremly aanxious or worried that my mom can always calm me down there is just something about a familiar person...
I feel that regular yoga practice gives the ability to "get my head straight" so that I can tell people what I really need. :)
Yoga has made a tremendous difference in my life too.
Morning yoga keeps me calm, focus and stable during my work day.
When I do yoga at night, I come home from class and am able to slip into a deep and restful sleep.