Not Eating Meat at Friend's Dinner: Rude or Okay?
Posted by kateelise on Jul 29, 2007 · Member since Jul 2007 · 4 posts
One of my oldest friend is from a traditional Chinese home (very strict, I might add). For the first time in ages, I was asked to eat at her house, but I didn't eat much. All of the food was either fish, chicken, pork, or cooked in a meat broth. Her Grandmother and Father were practically seething. I felt terrible and eventually ate one or two shrimp. Basically, the entire night consisted of me eating piles of white rice, and her family glowering at me.
Has anyone had to deal with this before? I am so terrified that this will happen again because we are such close friends. My friend never told me what her family had thought about that day.
I think it's fine. I always state that everything looks great, but that I'm vegan. I DO eat the veggies, bread, rice, etc., even though it may have butter or eggs in it. My manners are just TOO ingrained to refuse everything. As that would be rude.
In this case, your friend probably should have informed her family that you don't eat meat. Plus, if this is a close friend, I'd think she also should have thought about whether or not the dinner invitation was appropriate for you. For instance, if I were a meat eater, I'd never invite my vegan friend to some meat tasting party. Conversely, as a vegan, I don't invite my friend who has A LOT of allergies to dinner unless I'm prepared to offer them food that they can eat. In their case, that includes meat.
Etiquette works on both sides.
Thanks times a million! I think she didn't remember I was a veg, because she was quite surprised when I said it at the start of the meal. I never really looked at the whole "both sides" bit. I hope /if/ she invites me again, she'll remember the last time.
The only thing that worries me is when I ask her what she is feeding me and she mumbles, "I don't remember the English word for it, -insert something in Chinese here-, it's good, try it." The last time she did that (wayyy back when), I ended up eating jellyfish and some sort of fungus.
I think it's fine. I always state that everything looks great, but that I'm vegan. I DO eat the veggies, bread, rice, etc., even though it may have butter or eggs in it. My manners are just TOO ingrained to refuse everything. As that would be rude.
In this case, your friend probably should have informed her family that you don't eat meat. Plus, if this is a close friend, I'd think she also should have thought about whether or not the dinner invitation was appropriate for you. For instance, if I were a meat eater, I'd never invite my vegan friend to some meat tasting party. Conversely, as a vegan, I don't invite my friend who has A LOT of allergies to dinner unless I'm prepared to offer them food that they can eat. In their case, that includes meat.
Etiquette works on both sides.
Perfectly said.
I think it depends a lot on the circumstances. In some cultures, it's deadly offensive to turn down food, and that means pretty much anything you're offered. That's generally compounded by meat being a luxury item that one prepares for honored guests... In other cultures, personal preference has more weight than hospitality.
When we lived in Peru, we accepted absolutely anything offered to us. When someone raised animals at home, slaughtered them in anticipation of our visit, prepared them lovingly, and offered them, how could we turn that down? To do so would have been a crying shame and a waste. Yes, it squicked us, and yes, it was a strain on our personal preferences... but then again there is a vast difference between humanely raised, family-owned yard-beasts and factory-farmed cattle.
I don't know enough about China or Chinese-American customs to say anything particularly salient.
It's a rough situation, and I'm sorry you (and they!) had a stressful evening!
I think its really important to let the family know ahead of time about dietary restrictions/preferences. That way, they at least know in advance that you might not be able to eat what they are serving (they might even make a veg meal) But if they did know, its kinda rude of them to be acting like that. IMO.
Even when something happens (you forget to tell them you are veg, your friend doesn't relay the message, they misunderstand, last minuet invitation, whatever) You NEVER have to feel pressured to eat the meat. You were eating rice- its not like you were refusing to eat with them. Its not like you put some on your plate and then took a bit and said "ewwww." Nobody would expect you to compromise if you were allergic to that stuff... I dunno.
Even if you were not being rude, it certainly is uncomfortable, isn't it? :-\
The last two posts really worry me. I'm super torn because I really don't want to eat meat, but I really don't want to upset my friend's family. The Grandmother cooks all of the meals from scratch, and I hate to see her upset. The thought of eating meat makes me sick, but the thought of further pushing my friend away makes me sicker. I know she wants to invite me for more dinners this year, but I don't know what they'll do/make.
maybe you can tell your friend how if made you feel and ask if you guy can go out to dinner instead of iif she could eat at your house or something?
ha ha
Avoid the situation! It's the only way to keep everyone happy.
yeah. I wanted to say "well on the bright side, if you offended them, they might not invite you back and then you will all be happy."
avoidance is a vegans friend. Like I said earlier though, find another way to be friendly with them! Would the cooks in the family be down with letting you get in the kitchen with them. Not to monitor. To help. I gather there is a language barrier, which might make it tricky but it can also make it fun! Maybe you could even find a traditional Chinese recipe and tell your friend to explain you really like the food can we make "this" next? I dunno....just thinking. Maybe it will get your creative juices flowing!
sheesh! You would never know I studied intercultural communications in college! (not an emphasis on language...more on understanding)
This is the other side of "take your own food" discussions we've had before. It depends on who the people are, how close and understanding they are, and how important the relationship is to you.
In Spain, to eat or drink something you don't offer your guests is the utter height of rudeness. The same is true of taking your own food and ignoring what everyone else is eating. This simply is not done. Better to agree to eat out together, and each person orders what they want and pays their own. If they offer something and you refuse, well, they offered so they can eat or drink it. Refusing everything, however, would not be friendly or courteous. Better to refuse the invitation in the first place.
I have had people fix veggie food for me, and fortunately as an ovolacto I can always opt for the ubiquitous omelette. But yes, I would and do eat "off my choice" for one evening in the interests of harmony, courtesy and respect for those who take the trouble to include me. You would be right, however, to make your preferences clear at the moment of recieving the invitation, something like, "I'd love to come, but (you/your parents/your gran) DO know that I don't eat____, right?"
Of course, as a foreigner living in my adopted nation, I am very aware of the cultural differences and it's important to me not to be another "ugly American" where I live. They are so ready to judge...which doesn't make them right, but I chose to live here and sometimes it's up to me to accomodate.
But then, as I've said before, with me it's a question of preference.
If you had dietary restrictions due to religious reasons, would you have eaten the food that was given to you that evening? Probably not, unless you were starving. Just because you feel like you choose your beliefs does not mean you need to compromise them. Besides, even if it is considered rude to refuse food in their culture, it isn't necessarily that way in our culture. They need to respect your customs, too.
Were your dietary preferences explained to the hosts at any point? Vegetarianism is not a foreign concept to the Chinese (a lot of people in China are Buddhists, after all). The easiest way to avoid these situations is to throughly explain what you do and don't eat. There is nothing wrong with doing this. You can give a reason why, if you'd like (Sometimes you need to, sometimes it's best to avoid doing that). You also may want to explain to your friend what happened, if she doesn't know.
Good luck!
I think you did the right thing by avoiding it, but next time let your friend know so you don't have to feel guilty and eat the sea food. They'd likely be happy to make a traditional dish with beancurd (tofu).
If your friend knows you're veg then she should understand in the future and she can explain to her family or decide not to invite you again if it won't work out.
Did you ever tell them you were veg? they probably just thought you didn't like their cooking or something!!
I don't want to be a harsh grump but you should have made it very clear to begin with... and i don't mean at the beginning of the meal i mean a week or two before going! what did you assume they'd be cooking? Brussel Sprouts? It's pretty much you own fault for not doing that...
I don't know what I would have done once in the situation itself...
When I liive in Russia I ate meat when invited to dinner because I felt I should. I felt it was rude to have them change their meal for me. But I went in knowing that would be the case. I didn't say, "OOPS forgot to mention..." I'd have a taste of the meat and a big portion of the salad and potatos or soup. I was just veg then, but now, being vegan I know I couldn't even attempt the little bit of the meat but I wouldn't be offended if the soup had been cooked in chicken stock or something and if I'd have to stomach a tiny bit of dairy. But once again, in those cases I'd go in assuming that was going to happen and accept or decline the invite based on that.
I don't want to be a harsh grump but you should have made it very clear to begin with... and i don't mean at the beginning of the meal i mean a week or two before going! what did you assume they'd be cooking? Brussel Sprouts? It's pretty much you own fault for not doing that...
You make a good point, but she knew I was. In fact, she was one of the first people I told. She had forgotten because we hadn't seen each other in a very long time and I don't make it public to begin with. Also, it was very much a last minute thing: it was her birthday, and she had invited me to her house after some other festivities without prior notice. I didn't want to decline because I hadn't seen her in a long time, and I was really flattered that she only asked me. Sorry, I had to defend myself there. You know how it is =P.
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Although I hate to admit it, avoiding eating at her house is probably the best idea. I hate to offer a change in their meal, even to her, and I don't want to refuse things (I'm pretty sure I was REALLY offending the grandmother. Bringing food is the same deal, I'm sure that would be a problem as well).
If you get an invitation from anyone, the first thing out of your mouth should be that you are a vegetarian. Let them know that you won't eat meat (or animal products). Tell them about any allergies. Then offer to bring some food or help them cook. ;)
If you wait for others to remember or automatically know what your food issues are, you will be disappointed most of the time. Most hosts and hostesses nowadays dont' bother to check for allergies, etc.
I agree with everyone else that letting your hosts know in advance is best and the most polite option. I realize it just slipped the mind at the last meal (it happens to all of us) but that's just a tip for the next dinner. Now you know! :)
If you wait for others to remember or automatically know what your food issues are, you will be disappointed most of the time. Most hosts and hostesses nowadays dont' bother to check for allergies, etc.
This is so true, OC!! Even those we know and love best forget, or sometimes just pretend to (see all the family-meal discussions on here at holiday time!)
That's one reason I always ask people I invite to eat with us, "Is there anything you can't eat or can't stand the sight of?" This covers preferences as well as allergies. As a disciple of Brillat-Savarin, I believe that I am responsible for my guests' welfare as long as they are in my house. I keep hoping I'm starting a new trend... ;)
True!! I had a house guest who was allergic to chocolate! I made brownies for dessert assuming because they were vegan I was safe...doh me. I felt terrible for not asking.