for me, personally, i believe that all people have the ability to love more than one person because love is not limited.  you can love someone with all of your heart and still have room to love someone else with all of your heart, too.

people don't get this unless i use this example.  say you are totally in love with someone.  in twenty years you two are still mad for each other but your partner dies.  you still love this person and are still in love with this person, even when you fall in love with someone new.  it doesn't diminish your love for the first person or lessen the ability to love the second.
this is accepted in our society.  people totally understand loving two people in this case.  it seems to be when both people are living that society doesn't like it.

it's not that you can't do it, you just don't understand it because you've always been around monogamy and that's what you're comfortable with.  it doesn't make you wrong at all.  like sd said, you're wired differently than i am.  and if or when you feel/felt feelings for someone other than your partner you'd probably initially question your feelings for both people where as if given the same case i'd go with it knowing i can love both.  (doesn't mean i have to act on it if i'm with someone monogamous, like *cough* brittney *cough*)

for me, although i can understand hh's physical vs emotional thing, i feel that my partner and i could both love others and still love each other.

heidi was my longest relationship ever.  she and i almost got married once (didn't make it to canada so we got matching tattoos of rainbow pixies instead!) and had a daughter.  she totally understands me.  she was poly before i met her.  the only one i've ever been with who could truly handle it.  we had physical relationships with others that were just play, but then we also had more involved relationships with others that included emotions.  she and i knew that we were together and that other people couldn't take that away from us.  we were comfortable and secure with that.

obviously if she's me ex then that means we broke up, but it had nothing to do with this.  we just drove each other nuts after a while.  i annoyed her and she annoyed me.  i considered staying with her despite the annoyance because i liked our relationship otherwise, but we got to the point where we couldn't be around each other without bickering.  once we broke up we became best friends and have been ever since!  haha!  i talk to her almost everyday.

and although now it sorta sounds sick, we feel like sisters and when our partners ever have suspicions that there's "more" to our friendship, we say, "ew, that's incest".

kmk, I don't know much about polyamory because I think it has to do with multiple emotional relationships and I'm monogamous that way (sentimentality and loyalty come into play for me), but here's my perspective on multiple physical relationships.

Everything you share in a relationship is also shared with other people - you share your mind, your affection, and your time with your family and friends.  The only thing people reserve, usually, is sex - even though everything else is shared.  A relationship without conversation, affection, and time isn't much of a relationship, even those those things are shared with others outside of the relationship.  Reserving one thing, sex, and saying that monogamous sex means I'm in a relationship or that my partner cares about me is misleading about all of the things that go into a relationship.  For me, it's too much focus on just one of many equally important facets.

If my partner is out somewhere and hooks up with someone, it doesn't mean that (s)he isn't satisfied with our relationship or sex life.  It's that (s)he felt sexual energy with someone and explored it.  Or was horny and wanted to get off.  It's like having a sexual conversation with someone.  Or it's like advanced reciprocated flirting, which helps my partner feel even sexier and more confident in our relationship.

I'm not comfortable with someone changing around their plans to have sex with someone.  Or having multiple emotional relationships; I'd never want to be the Tuesday and Thursday gf.  I'm talking about something that happens occassionally, not daily.  I understand some of the practical reservations about stds and potential pregnancies.  That's where direct conversations about safe sex and comes into play and being with someone you trust to be honorable regarding safe sex.  And if the safe aspect of sex was ever questionable, having an open conversation about that so we can practice safe sex until the test results come back; however, if the safety aspect came into question more than once, it'd show a lack of respect for our relationship and I'd leave.

At the same time, if I was with someone who wanted total monogamy, I'm fine with that, too.  I just don't have a problem with sex outside of a relationship.

I'm down with loving others and agree that emotional monogamy is selfish on my part.  For me, it's loyalty.  I want it to know that I can count on my partner and that things will be reprioritized if I truely need that person.  I don't want to be scheduled in.  That said, I'm independent and really don't need people.  But I need to know that if I did, loyalty would kick in and my partner would be there.  Multiple emotional relationships muddies that.

What I think is most important is that people need to know what they're comfortable with, communicate that to their potential partner, and not feel pressured into a relationship that isn't in their comfort zone.

on it --> Polyamory

Because the act of sex is necessarily emotional--whether the emotion is affection or detachment.  We don't share sex equally the way we share love because.....we don't have sex with our siblings and friends.  I think the key difference is, I subscribe to a model that sex delineates my romantic relationships.  I might have lots of best friends who I am emotionally intimate with, but I only have sex with one person at a time, and the person who I have sex and other intimate sexual behavior with is my romantic partner.  You all are the reverse in that you use emotions to delineate your romantic relationships rather than sex.  That's interesting to me.

i don't connect love and sex.

you can have sex with someone you love, you can love someone you have sex with...
but you can also have sex with someone you don't love and not love someone you have sex with.

i feel that love and sex are totally independent... because, in reality, they are.
otherwise people wouldn't have one night stands or "cheat" on their partners
with people that they might not even have luke warm feelings for.

"cheat" with the ""s because everyone's definition is different.  to me, it's only cheating if she lies.
if brittney found another girlfriend but was totally honest with me i would be cool with it.

eta: they are independent but CAN coexist and often do.  like in your case.

I don't think monogamy is the opposite of freedom.  If it feels that way, then there's something wrong with the relationship.  It should feel liberating to love someone that much.

Honestly (and I know this breaks harshly with what you all believe, but this is what I think), I think that if there is a need to go outside of the relationship, then yes, there IS something wrong with the relationship, some piece that isn't fulfilled.  Whether it be physical or emotional.  Because the act of sex is necessarily emotional--whether the emotion is affection or detachment.  We don't share sex equally the way we share love because.....we don't have sex with our siblings and friends.  I think the key difference is, I subscribe to a model that sex delineates my romantic relationships.  I might have lots of best friends who I am emotionally intimate with, but I only have sex with one person at a time, and the person who I have sex and other intimate sexual behavior with is my romantic partner.  You all are the reverse in that you use emotions to delineate your romantic relationships rather than sex.  That's interesting to me.

Anyway we can talk about this more elsewhere if people want.  I don't want to take over the thread!

eta: Oh wait, it's my thread.   :)

To get it back to compliments, I really like the way kmk discusses/debates things.  I know I've said that before, but I really do.  I think it's her logical approach.

Yes, and this is why I say "KAC," because I'm usually like blahblahblahblah, and people are like  :stfu:

Anyway, we had this type of conversation elsewhere, and Cali was trying to describe it to me. I think her take on it (on a basic level) is that she feels like she has lots of love to give, and doesn't feel like it should/has to be reserved for just one person, and she would want to explore sharing it with others.

I agree with KMK, in that I feel like there is a piece unfulfilled in a relationship if one is feeling the need/want to search elsewhere. That's how I feel, anyway. BUT I also know that it might just be a drastic difference in how I see things, and I'm just not able to grasp the way others see it.

hh is a JAM MAKING GODDESS!

that is all.

oh, wait, it isn't.

i want her to move in and make me jam.
that might sound a bit like slavery... but to me it sounds a bit like delicous jam every day!