feel guilty?
My brother is getting married next month. My soon to be sister in law has told me that they have gotten the reception place to prepare a vegan meal for my husband and I and that they are "trying" to get them to make a special vegan dessert for the two of us as well. I know she's stressed out as it is (the wedding is going to be huge) and I feel a bit guilty that she has gone to so much effort for me. Of course, I also feel lucky that I'm getting a great sister in law and that she even thought of me at all--I'm always to content to eat a big meal before going to an event and then nibble on the veggie tray. I thanked her and told her not to stress out about us, but I still feel guilty. Anyone else ever feel this way when people go out of their way?
Elizabeth
I don't think you should feel guilty. You are her soon-to-be husband's sister... It's nice she thought to accomodate you and your husband, sound like a wonderful addition to your family.
Tamika :)
I think its wonderful to get someone coming into your family that cares enough to make sure that you and your husband have a wonderful time at the reception. Even though you told her not to worry about it. . .(and you still feel guilty). . .get her something special. Maybe a little something or other at a spa near her so she can try to relax a little. ::)
...but I still feel guilty. Anyone else ever feel this way when people go out of their way?
Yeah, I hate it when I think people are going out of their way to accomodate my eating habits. It's lovely when they offer, but I don't want them to be resentful of my way of eating. I might feel differently if I had horrible food allergies and could get sick or die from eating something that might be served.
I also don't like to call attention to the fact that it has to be different for me to eat it--especially at something like a wedding.
The attention should be on the bride and groom and not on the guests. The stress of planning a wedding is bad enough without having to deal with special diets. I'd much rather do as you do and eat before I get there. Depending on the event I also don't mind bringing something for me to eat. Wouldn't do that at a wedding, though, of course.
Then there's the selfish factor that if someone goes out of his/her way to fix you something vegan will s/he later expect you to fix him/her meat? I dunno. :-\ The bottom line is that food is a touchy issue and there's no one way to handle it.
All that being said, I'd probably want to try to accomodate others, as well. I'm just a bundle of inconsistencies. :D
Looking back on my wedding (I wasn't vegan at the time), I think trying to accomodate a vegan guest would have been a small task compared to everything else. Actually, I would have seen it as an opportunity to do something nice for someone, not as a burden. This may be a way for her to bond with one of her new family members, so don't feel guilty! :)
My first step-mother re-married last weekend and she made certain that there was a large selection of vegetarian and vegan items for the reception (Will and I are the only ones who refuse to eat beef/pork/poultry/or fish, but one of my sisters is mostly veg). What was remarkable about it (to me) was that she really seemed to enjoy telling us about the "bow tie pasta...OMG!" and the other veg*n items that would be available (as a matter of fact I only counted 3 items that weren't at least vegetarian and this was a Southern wedding!!).
As much explaining as I have felt compelled to do for my dietary decisions over the years I have come to two conclusions:
1) Folks in general respect your decisions (and many envy you for your "unimaginable" ability to "give up" animal foods)
2) Most will do everything they can to please/feed you if you give them a little guidance as to how.
I've found it WAY harder to get the "whole foods, " non-white flour, concept across than my vegetarianism. However, in the last year or so we've gotten much closer to being full-blow vegan and that does get harder to explain. Why does everyone want to shove chunks of cheese in your face at a wedding? ::)
Hosting a wedding (which is what the bride and groom are doing if they are paying for it themselves) is traditionally the first event a couple "hosts" (back in the day the first event a woman planned and hosted...)
As hosts, I think, it should be their responsibility to accommodate all guests... especially the fact that you are immediate family. It shows insight and social grace and maturity that they feel this is their job to do.... be gracious and let them host you.
Send a nice thank you card (and a wedding gift of course!) to them for going out of their way to make you feel welcome at their event. They will be pleased that you acknowledged their work to make you comfortable and will remember it in the future when making vegan family dinner adjustments for you.
As someone else said, it's a drop in the bucket when planning the whole wedding.
Have fun! ;)
i have to agree with bookmama. i think i have been 'conditioned' to feel the need to put other's needs ahead of mine, and i hate thinking that i might be a burden to anyone. i cook for myself everyday just to make sure my mom does not need to do anything for me. (I'm a teenager and live at home, of course, but i think it is still my responsibility to feed myself since i chose to adopt such a restrictive diet.)
in the end, i would rather go to a wedding and skip dessert entirely (i am not a fan of sweets anyway) and know that i was not inconveniencing anybody.
I hate when non vegans prepare food specifically for me, especially at my boyfriend's family gatherings. I cry every time I come home from one... heh. They put like 8 bowls of stuff, including condiments etc. in front of me, taking up half of the table, and nobody else even thinks of touching any when I try to pass it around. Even if I insist on bringing my own meal, and bringing vegan dishes for everyone to share, they still do this. It's as if they must point out how "odd" I am. Then I have to answer a barrage of questions regarding why I am vegan, how I made my food, etc, as if this is the only thing interesting about me. I end up just wanting to crawl under the table and die. Sorry, I just needed to rant, hehe.