Vegweb Confessions
This thread is dedicated to brutal honesty and things you would probably only discuss with a shrink or a close friend/family member. Please note that this is not a pity thread, just a venting thread. The point is to learn more about each other and possibly connect on new levels as a community
- I have a really awful relationship with my father. We just don't talk... I never call him and vice versa. The only conversations we ever have are about music, becuase the love of music is the only things we have in common.
- I have a hard time letting people get close to me. Whenever I get too close to someone, I subconsciously push them away. This has ruined the two relationships I've been in, and countless close friendships. I think this stems from my shoddy relationship with my father.
- I have an addictive personality. I've had some major run-ins with drugs in my lifetime. Thankfully, I don't partake in them anymore but sometimes I fear that my drinking will become a serious issue later in life.
I'll join in.
- I waste so much, i have a problem with throwing things away and with finishing them. Mainly drinks, when i was little we would have bottles of mountain dew to take to school every day, i felt like i was being a disappointment by not finishing them in school (not sure why.) Once my parents went in my room and i had about 100 bottles of soda half finished in my closet and dresser and under my bed. I still do this with water and tea, even though its me buying it and i want to finish them, i wont. Today i cleaned out a huge trash bag full. I guess i'm a bottle hoarder.
- I thought i was in love with my first boyfriend (who i only went out with for 3 days, never even hugged, he moved away, told me he was gay, we had a long talk about how we loved each other, i didnt think he meant in a friends way, blah blah blah). I had a box of pictures of me and him from when he would come back to visit and things from our trip to disney (we dated during this school trip there). I realized i was kidding myself, but wanted to believe it, so i would burn myself, and cut the burns in so they would stay longer. For 3 years i had a heart burned/cut into my ankle, its gone now. I would cry every night about me not getting to see him, i thought i screwed our relationship up (which is stupid we were just kids, i've learned now).
- I found out about my dad having cancer when i was 16, he got sick when i was 15. I always thought he was faking it.... For some reason, i've felt so bad about this. I mean, i knew he was sick, i knew he had cancer, but just some days how he would act. I thought he was just trying to get attention... I didnt understand the disease then, or that it was in his brain (i thought it was mostly his lungs and only a tiny thing in his brain). It effected everything. I stayed home every day to make sure he ate, and when it got bad i had to keep track of his oxygen and pills for him. I didnt really go out with friends. I got mad at him for this, didn't let him know but i did... Only for the first part though. And i never really spent time with him when he was sick, even though i was taking care of him. I would go in the living room, give him food, tell him he has to eat, put on the tv, change the AC, give him oxygen, ask if he took his pills, help him to the bathroom, help him to the bed, and just got back to the computer. I ignored him lots. Every day i wish i didnt. The day he died, i went to the mall. Didnt stay home and grieve, i went to the mall... My whole family did though, we just cried together for 20 minutes and all left. I never understood this. But i still cannot wear the outfit i wore the day he died, i just cant.
- When i was in 6th grade, there was this boy. He wasnt nice at all. Him and his friend would talk about what a slut i was (i'd never even kissed a guy at this point), and how i was a bitch and things. One day we were going to science class, his friend told him to grab my ass, i just kept walking, i kind of laughed thinking they were kidding. He did it, they laughed at me and hurried to class. I got there last and got in trouble. This continued all of middle school. The boys friend left, but he stayed... Every day he'd grab me in some way, my butt or boobs (which i barely even had at the time so i never understood). And he'd proceed to call me a whore or slut or something. I remember one day i had those jelly bracelets, because i liked them, i just learned that they'd mean sexual things that morning, but kept them on. Him and his friends came up and ripped about 30 bracelets off my arm and laughed. It hurt so bad. The boy kept a few in his pocket every day to remind me what i'd owe him. He continued on all 3 years. He made middle school miserable. He ruined my outlook on everything. I let my boyfriend in 8th grade grab me, or whatever, i just thought its how things worked. Halfway through middle school i would get online and start taking pictures of me in underwear and sending them to random guys online. I liked the attention, i thought thats how things were suposed to work. One day i met 2 guys from online at the mall, we went to the movies there, i just let them do whatever they wanted that wasnt inside my pants. I still regret this. Boyfriends i had in 9th grade i let do the same. One kid stuck his hand in my pants in the middle of lunch at school, and got mad at me for telling him to stop. Luckily i realized how big of jerks they all were, and broke up with that guy and got a new attitude on things. The boy from 6th grade has been in a class with me every year. He is dating this girl, he cheats on her, she knows, and stays with him. Shes such a good girl... hes going to ruin her life, i know it already.
wow, sarah. i don't know what is wrong with those boys. that's messed up.
I think there's at least one person who knows every one of these, but no one who knows all of them. Maybe.
1. I don't have the capacity for faith. While I loathe socially religious people, I envy the truly religious. They have some sort of essence about them that is beautiful and unique to authentically spiritual people. And they usually don't talk about their faith, so that helps, too.
2. I've never been in love. I know it's a defect in me, because I don't think I'm unlovable. I think I block love.
3. I've never had a best friend. I've been a best friend by default because someone's best friend lives too far away, but I've never had that best friend bond with anyone. It might be for the same reason that I've never been in love.
eta: A friend and I deconstructed love and friendship last night. Based on my new understanding, I think I've been in love (multiple times) and had best friends.
4. My doctor decided to reduce my thyroid replacement dose, just to see what would happen. What happened is that I gained loads of weight. Loads. A year ago I was put back up to the dose I was on before and have lost half of it. I haven't dieted or anything, I've just lost it. But I think it's the reason I'm reluctant to meet vegwebbers. I don't feel like I represent who I am. I feel like a stranger in my body. So if any of you meet me you won't "get" who I am because of how I look. And for those who would want to meet me, I know that you don't care, you'd just want to meet me.
5. When I was on too low of a thyroid replacement dose I got super depressed (it's a hypothyroid side effect) and Cat was there for me. So, when he got sick and I didn't notice until it was too late I was overwhelmed because he saved my life but I cost him his through inattention. If I caught his kidney failure earlier they could have done something about it. It was vegwebbers who got me through my guilt. Which I still have. It's embedded into the fabric of who I am now. Hopefully it will make me a more cognizant caregiver/friend.
6. I hate going to same-sex marriage rallies. I don't like rallies and sign holding and chanting. I'd much rather make a donation. But I go so people in my conservative area can see that the issue isn't being dropped. I make myself stay a set amount of time and count the minutes before I let myself leave. I usually talk to a lot of people when I'm there, so I look social and outgoing, but that's just to pass the time before I get to leave. I do like making the signs.
bp - All I can say is do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You don't need to be strong enough all of the time, just enough of the time. I wish I lived closer to you or cw, not that I could realistically help either of you. But I can sit quietly.
1. I don't have the capacity for faith. While I loathe socially religious people, I envy the truly religious. They have some sort of essence about them that is beautiful and unique to authentically spiritual people. And they usually don't talk about their faith, so that helps, too.
2. I've never been in love. I know it's a defect in me, because I don't think I'm unlovable. I think I block love.
You're not alone!!!
I feel that same way, I'm super lonely and I feel like I am not worthy of deep friendships. I hate it and I am not sure what to do to change it.
(I really want to write more and express supportive sentiments to fellow vegwebbers, but I do have two co-workers in the same room as me and I don't really feel comfortable opening up with them right over my shoulder, hopefully later!)
HH, that is hard. I too have an underactive thyroid. I didn't know about it until I was about 12, & it's been treated since then, which has made my hair & skin alot nicer, but I still wonder sometimes if that's really the only thing wrong with it...for some reason. It's kind of a mystery to me because I've always been small for my age and I still am, I have a really hard time putting weight on but I lose it really fast if I'm careless. I know that is the opposite of what's typical for hypothyroidism, which sketches me out. I would never judge you based on appearance if we met. I don't think many of us would.
Also, I didn't really have a "best friend bond" until about 2 years ago (I was 21).
re: the Rallies etc. - another confession of mine is that I get really overwhelmed by things sometimes, and feel like I can't do as much in the way of activism as I'd like to be doing, or I should be doing. I get this when it comes to animals being farmed, when it comes to religious (or other) groups openly being so hateful of queer people & trans people, etc. I've heard this referred to as "activist trauma" before, & I don't usually consider it trauma in my case. Sometimes it's just hard to stay positive and all the negativity weighs me down, it's like alot of despair. It helps to be around like-minded people though. I try to tell myself I'm already doing alot by being vegan, talking about it with people if they want to talk, as well as volunteering for various campus & community groups here relating to human rights and whatnot. But burnout happens pretty fast, sometimes, & you just need a break I guess.
My dear VegWebbers,
I don't feel like I have much to contribute to this thread because my biggest flaws are nobody's fault but my own.
I wanted to post here to let you all know how impressed I am at your strength and capacity to move past everything that's happened to you in the past. Pretty sure that if I had to deal with just one of your life events, I would be a wreck. The fact that you can all talk about traumatic events in your lives amazes and humbles me. You guys are fantastic and deserve all the happiness in the world. I know you'll find it.
WIth love and respect,
Cat :)>>>
Leia, you know there is 'something wrong' with you....and *it seems like* you are doing what you can to help (in most parts) you make a mosaic from the beautiful shards that your life has produced.
I wasn't even *kissed* until I was 18......so PLEASE don't feel bad about being a virgin. From your picture, you are very beautiful. I'm guessing we're around the same size....(I'm 5'2"-5'3") and vary between 103-112lb.....After a severe neurological anomaly, I dipped below 100..... Trust me, it was/isn't fun.
I'm PM'ing you more things.....I think we'd get along pretty well.....(my first concert was the Dead when I was 6m/o, my dad danced with me in his arms as the sun rose....G played guitar for a reggae band last summer, etc)
You are worthy of Love. You deserve Love. It is OK for You to Love Yourself.....
I'm FTM transgendered, my mother died shortly before I hit menarche, I suffer from really bad PMS, and the depression/undiagnosed bipolar disorder cycles with my hormones. I don't know what causes/ed what, and I'm scared to find out, because I don't want to find out that I'm not 'really' trans. I'm terrified of losing that part of my identity... it's bad enough finding out you're the wrong sex once, but doing it twice? *shudder* That's also why I'm scared to seek any kind of treatment... I'm scared that I'll look stupid, because I'll be wrong, or nobody will take me seriously, or I'll be making a big deal out of nothing. I don't feel like my problems are worth a doctor's time. Not wanting to see a doctor nearly cost me the use of my right leg, so you'd think I'd learn my lesson... but no...
Also with identity: ever since I was little, I was 'the skinny one' and it became ingrained as a part of who I am. One of my deepest fears is not being the skinny one any more, because then I feel like I would be no one. Going through puberty, and having my body change to a more feminine/soft/curved one was murderous. I developed an eating disorder just so I could be sure I'd stay 'the skinny one' - if I couldn't be skinny alive, I'd be skinny dead.
For both of those reasons, I have a really hard time with my body. I honestly wish I could just die, a lot of the time, because then I wouldn't have to have a body.
I feel like I'll never, ever be happy in my own body, and that kind of despair... Fundamentally, I feel as though I. Am. Wrong.
I also have this nagging fear that by existing in this world, I have displaced someone who could have been better than me, someone who doesn't have all these stupid selfish issues, someone who could change the world for the better... but instead the world got me, and I'm too selfish to just die and make room for someone better.
I'm FTM transgendered, my mother died shortly before I hit menarche, I suffer from really bad PMS, and the depression/undiagnosed bipolar disorder cycles with my hormones. I don't know what causes/ed what, and I'm scared to find out, because I don't want to find out that I'm not 'really' trans. I'm terrified of losing that part of my identity... it's bad enough finding out you're the wrong sex once, but doing it twice? *shudder* That's also why I'm scared to seek any kind of treatment... I'm scared that I'll look stupid, because I'll be wrong, or nobody will take me seriously, or I'll be making a big deal out of nothing. I don't feel like my problems are worth a doctor's time. Not wanting to see a doctor nearly cost me the use of my right leg, so you'd think I'd learn my lesson... but no...
Also with identity: ever since I was little, I was 'the skinny one' and it became ingrained as a part of who I am. One of my deepest fears is not being the skinny one any more, because then I feel like I would be no one. Going through puberty, and having my body change to a more feminine/soft/curved one was murderous. I developed an eating disorder just so I could be sure I'd stay 'the skinny one' - if I couldn't be skinny alive, I'd be skinny dead.
For both of those reasons, I have a really hard time with my body. I honestly wish I could just die, a lot of the time, because then I wouldn't have to have a body.
I feel like I'll never, ever be happy in my own body, and that kind of despair... Fundamentally, I feel as though I. Am. Wrong.
I also have this nagging fear that by existing in this world, I have displaced someone who could have been better than me, someone who doesn't have all these stupid selfish issues, someone who could change the world for the better... but instead the world got me, and I'm too selfish to just die and make room for someone better.
Every, and I mean EVERY pre-op transgender goes through the same thoughts and feelings you are now. Every one of them feels scared to make such a big change in their life. Every one of them physically feels wrong.
It’s a ridiculously crummy situation to be in, but through the anonymity of the internet, talking helps can help. There’s hardly anything wrong with you other than a biological booboo.
This is hardly a situation I’ve experienced, myself, but I can certainly imagine how hopeless things might feel. Every day it gets a teeny bit easier for trans people to help transform their lives for the better. There are 60-year-olds transitioning for the first time. And now there are kindergartners transitioning in school via the permission of their parents and staff.
Discussing this stuff publicly is very bold, and believe me, it helps other people in the closet when somebody else like them is speaking up.
You need to ultimately do what makes you feel better/best. This may or may not be hormone treatment/surgery. There will certainly be downsides to either decision, but one will top the other. And of course, this is not a decision you should make right now. You’ve got the rest of your life to make up your mind, and that’s several decades. Lol
Many doctors/psychologists are familiar w/ trans issues and could be an asset- not to mention an entirely confidential one.
Best of luck to you. Sorry for poking my nose in. Couldn’t help myself…
wow, this is one intense (but interesting) thread. It's heavy, but I really like seeing things draw us together like this.
In day to day life, much of the time, I feel like I am asleep. Or dreaming, or like I'm watching myself from outside of my body, (or really really far inside it.) I watch myself do things, but it doesn't feel real sometimes.
Something like that happens to me too, it's strange. For me, one minute I am fully concious (aware) of what I'm doing and next I can't describe it.. it's like hmm personally I feel that i go really deep inside and I'm watching myself sitting there or whatever , I know where I am and what I was doing but it doesn't seem real. When that happens I just don't believe that I'm there, that it's reality. at that particular moment of time I just don't believe I guess reality doesn't register, and ask myself is this real? is this real? alot of times until i snap out of it. It really sucks when it happens in a social gathering and stuff. One day in class it happened while watching a movie.. usually it happens when I'm watching TV or something like that.it doen't last that long either, i think.
idk really know how to describe this but I tried.. it's a weird feeling.
at least I know there is someone out there with a similar experience, I thought I was alone, it's really weird,
i haven't shared this with anyone, yet I confess it in a public forum lol. :)
adda, that sounds very similar to what I get. I don't usually question whether what's happening around me is real, because the rational voice in my head knows it is..it just doesn't feel that way. Feeling really really far inside yourself is a good way to put it. Kind of far away from the people you're with or whatever.
I know there are other people out there who feel like this...a friend told me to look up dissociative personality disorder and related things. It was insightful, didn't fit me exactly, but I wonder now if it's something like that. I've always just thought it was how I am, even though I don't like it...I want to feel like I'm fully present in whatever I'm experiencing! (uh...except maybe bad stuff, but y'know). This friend also mentioned that too much copper in the diet can contribute to something like this, and that is a concern for vegans (I found this interesting but haven't looking into it yet).
I also wonder if it's a combination of things. It seemed to be worse this winter, but then, the end of winter is always kind of the breaking point for me...I feel like I want to give up on everything some days, but when it starts to get sunny out it makes such a big difference. I also experienced alot of fatigue the past few months, seemingly with no cause, so I started taking B12 supplements (I've always been supplement free before now). It has helped. I have hypothryoidism as well, which I know if left untreated can cause depression and fatigue, but it's been controlled for years and my dosage has never changed. The next time I go to the doc, though, I'm getting my levels checked, in case something has changed.
Anyway...good to hear someone else on here feels this way. (well, it sucks, but it's good to be able to relate!)
narcissus, I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I have a handful of friends who are trans, it would break my heart to know they felt like you do. :( I hope things work out for you. I know a few folks who have transitioned who don't necessarily identify as the "opposite" sex, they just identify as trans. From the sounds of it, you DO identify as male. But know that when you're transitioning, you won't necessarily be trapped. There are many identities and many paths to live them...there isn't just one prescribed set of steps to get to just one goal. :)
At school we're having issues with the administration not recognizing people's preferred names. This means that on class lists, your legal name is used instead of your preferred name. If you're trans and you get called on, you're basically outed, and it really isn't a safe environment. I hope we can do something to change this...how hard is it to include a preferred name beside your legal one, and call that one instead? :P frustrating.
PS: I also know someone who is trans, and has bipolar disorder. They are separate issues, and experienced docs know that! It can take some searching to find a good trans-friendly doc, but they are out there. My friend has been presenting as his preferred gender for years now...he's had some surgery, is on hormones, etc. It is scary to acknowledge these things, but you can still transition successfully, regardless of whether or not you live with mental illness. If you decide to seek out a doctor to help you with this, I wish you the best of luck in finding a good one!
Tino first off thanks for the insight.
:)I will google the dissociative personality disorder and see what I can find, maybe I can find something at least that matches up with my experience. lol I really should go to the doctors. you know I've had this problem for some time now, years.. since before adolescense. I just recently became vegan ( 2 months ago "cold turkey") so I don't thimk the vitamin/mineral unbalance could be the cause since I've had this since way before. Thanx for reminding me that I have to keep the vitamin/ mineral levels in check.
Ultimately .. I don't know the cause, like you say it probably is a combination of things. Yes. I think the focus is on the inside, it's not like if I can leave my body. I think I lose myself inside and kind of disconect from reality.. when I was little I used to suffer ocassionaly from vertigo too. maybe it's related in some sort of way. And yeah what you said about feeling far way from friends or people in general, i can relate to as well.
lol I really should go to the doctors. you know I've had this problem for some time now, years.. since before adolescense. I just recently became vegan ( 2 months ago "cold turkey") so I don't thimk the vitamin/mineral unbalance could be the cause since I've had this since way before. Thanx for reminding me that I have to keep the vitamin/ mineral levels in check.
that doesn't mean you couldn't have had a vitamin/mineral imbalance this whole time. most people aren't good at balancing their diets so a lot of people unknowingly have imbalances. and since you just became vegan you might not know exactly what to do. a lot of vegans have a few months of eating crap and random stuff until they figure out that there's a lot more stuff available than they first thought. it's a total life change and i don't know how you ate before but it might be the total opposite of how you were eating four months ago.
make sure you eat mostly veggies. not just corn, potatoes, and carrots. green is key. other colours are good too, but you definitely want lots of green. (kale, broccoli, mustard greens, collard greens, spinach... the darker the better!)
protein isn't that hard to get, but make sure you eat plenty of beans/legumes (lentils are awesome!), nuts, seitans, tempehs, tofus, seeds, etc.
nutritional yeast flakes are a good source of b vitamins.
flax seeds, walnuts, & canola oil are good sorces of omegas.
pumpkin seeds and edemome (shelled soy beans) are excellent sources of iron and zinc (i know pumpkin seeds are awesome for zinc... pretty sure edemome are too).
your mood can be affected by a lack of iron, magnesium, vitamin d, and b vitamins.
make sure you're eating a balanced diet. don't discount nutrition just because it's not a new feeling. you could have had a crappy diet before. it's amazing the power proper nourishment has. your body just knows when it's being fueled right.
~ i think i've decided to be a nutritionist, by the way. i don't know if any of you remember my dilemma since i wanted to be a vet but cannot go through vet school. i know so much about nutrition anyways and it's something i'm interested in. i've been looking into the schools.
rainbow thanks for the advice. :)
I think you would make an awesome nutritionist. That way you can help people like meee.
Thanx I will definately keep your advice.
yes. 4 months ago my diet was a disaster.
Also Id like to point out the 'celtic sea salt' has countless trace minerals and a make up that ease depression, anxiety and anger disorders. I have been supplementing for two months now and have noticed a positive change in my mood. I am still spend a lot of time home alone and have had to take days off from work for depression downs but over all better.
~ i think i've decided to be a nutritionist, by the way. i don't know if any of you remember my dilemma since i wanted to be a vet but cannot go through vet school. i know so much about nutrition anyways and it's something i'm interested in. i've been looking into the schools.
I think that would be a good choice for you, based on the post that I read. You gave great advise and it seems to be a topic that interests you and that you are passionate about!! :)
That said, I crave feeling connected to people.
i have that problem, too.
but as far as feeling connected to people, i have trouble feeling connected even to people i love dearly.
Wow, I am not alone either... I feel like you do Tino and Rainbow (and I think a few others).
I want to be connected better to people, whether family or friend, but I am not. I have always been a loner and never much for a lot of display of affection (I have no idea if that is really related or not). It is frustrating. I usually feel like there is something wrong with me.
Rainbow:
First off, I think that I need to send some Karma your way so that things can start to turn around for you! :)
Secondly, (and this goes for everyone) thank you for opening up and sharing. I think that many of us can relate to several of the things that other people are/have been dealing with.
I can relate a bit to some of the confessions that you have.
My sister is a *recovering* drug addict (and I say *recovering* because I don't think she really is interested in recovery, she has been through rehab three times, and refuses to follow the steps to a successful recovery). She has 4 children and has no interest in being a parent, but rather a friend who allows her children to party at her house (incl. alcholol and drugs). Her children are underage and they do not live with her anymore.
I have not talked to my sister in two years and at this time I have no interest in doing so. It has taken years and lots of pain to get to this point and I don't really like it. I hope that in the future this isn't the way that it is.
And it sounds like you have found a very wonderful person in you life and happiness! I think you more than deserve it. :)
Is there something seriously wrong with me. Do you think there is someone out there who will like me for me and help me through my ruff times?
Leia:
Tho, not 100%, I can relate to you on a few of your confessions!
I wholeheartily believe that there are somepeople (more than one) who will like and love you for you and are willing to help and support you, as long as you are willing to help yourself.
The issue it opening up to people to let them in, and that means exposing your vulnerabilities. I understand how hard that is, shoot near impossible (at least for me). I think that by telling people is a very important step!
I hate that what I had planned to say has somehow escaped through my head! If you want to, you can e-mail me and have at least one person who wants to be a shoulder for you! :)
Rainbow:
First off, I think that I need to send some Karma your way so that things can start to turn around for you! :)
thank you. i could definitely use it. AND it must have worked because today was absolutely beautiful... should i mention why here or should i start a new thread? *thinks* i dunno, but i'm about to burst. i think i'll start a new thread.
:D
I can relate a bit to some of the confessions that you have.
My sister is a *recovering* drug addict (and I say *recovering* because I don't think she really is interested in recovery, she has been through rehab three times, and refuses to follow the steps to a successful recovery). She has 4 children and has no interest in being a parent, but rather a friend who allows her children to party at her house (incl. alcholol and drugs). Her children are underage and they do not live with her anymore.
I have not talked to my sister in two years and at this time I have no interest in doing so. It has taken years and lots of pain to get to this point and I don't really like it. I hope that in the future this isn't the way that it is.
did you read mine? they were a few pages back. it sounds like you read mine. did i mention that three years ago when my stepmother returned from rehab in arizona, she was supposedly clean. apparently clean means meth. she went from being a hundred pounds overweight to being about thirty pounds underweight. we only found out recently that she was on meth and it was because she was in the emergency room after being minutes away from succeeding with her first suicide attempt. that was about... three or four months ago? i know of at least two more since... but i haven't been updated in over a month so it could very well be a higher number now. surely i would be notified if she succeeded? (i would hope so, but i'm not that confident)
And it sounds like you have found a very wonderful person in you life and happiness! I think you more than deserve it. :)
why, thank you. :)>>>
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