For those of you following the saga of JC
So, if you're interested in my ongoing future-MIL drama, you're in the right place!
I went with the boyfriend to his family thing Christmas Eve and we had a great time, no one was weird, everyone liked me and was very nice. We're talking huge Catholic family here, like 20 cousins and a dozen aunts & uncles. It was crowded, but fun.
His mom didn't speak to either of us except to "fake hug" me in front of some other people to look like she was as nice as they all were. She didn't speak to me again, she didn't speak to her own son at all.
We were like "whatever."
Then, Christmas morning she told Josh that she thought it would be awkward if I was there in the afternoon when they opened their presents because she only got me one. So he should go pick me up at my apartment to go to his aunt's again, then take me to his parents' house to open my gift, then take me back to my apartment, then go back there to open gifts with them and have dinner, and then come back to my apartment to stay with me (that last part he was insisting on, he didn't wanna stay another night with her.)
Okay, so #1, his parents live like 45 minutes away. #2 I didn't even expect this crazy lady to get me ANY gifts, I just wanted to spend Christmas with my boyfriend and his other (nicer) family members. #3 I moved to this state to be with her son because I love him and I left my own family 14 hours away, so you'd think she would appreciate the sacrifices I made and the feelings Josh and I have for each other and just treat me with some respect and consideration and not ask him to leave me by myself for the majority of Christmas, of all the freaking days of the year.
His dad tried to lighten things up apparently by suggesting that Josh should just go buy me more presents to make up the difference and pointing out that I didn't have any presents on Christmas Eve and I wasn't at all awkward. I seemed to be very happy and having a good time (which I was).
So, I cried for half an hour straight when Josh told me all this, and he felt horrible, and I felt horrible 'cause he felt horrible... and he called his mom and said I just wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be coming (I told him there was no way in hell I was going to see this woman after she said that I would make the holiday awkward) and that he was staying with me the entire day until about 6pm, then would be over.
So, we watched the Justice League episodes I bought him and ate leftovers all day on the couch, then he left for 2 hours to go take the presents we BOTH bought his parents and siblings, and he made sure to talk about how I chose certain gifts specifically and wrapped everything myself... and his mom said she "hoped I feel better and is very sorry I couldn't make it."
OMG f***ing bitch!
Josh said he's over it, he's telling her next week that he's specifically looking for a job out of state, and that he's really unhappy with how she's been treating me 'cause I've done nothing wrong to her.
His dad was nice enough to ask about my new job and how I've been... but do you think his mother cares to know anything about me? Nah, she just hates me for no reason.
I feel so sad because I want to be part of his family, and it's only his mom (and sometimes his sister) who make things hard. I wanted to be there for Christmas because I can't be with my own family and because I wanted to see how his dad liked his presents... but she's got to make a big deal of everything. The "awkward" is all in her head, and she's the person who causes it.
So, I didn't have to go... I guess I'm counting my blessings because if I'd gone it would have ended in me crying on the way home, same as Thanksgiving. But I just don't understand this woman, and I feel so bad for Josh because she's making him choose between his mother and the woman he loves.... and he's choosing me. I don't think he should have to and it's incredibly selfish and unfair of her to put him in that position.
That's my rant for today.
((((jc)))) (((josh))) ((future FIL))
I have no advice, just that you rock and I don't know what your future MIL's problem is. Is it because you're not Catholic? If so, I don't think she'll ever change. Specifically, I think it will get worse once you have children. So, it's great that Josh is considering moving further away.
OMG! This woman is terrible! I'm so sorry she is treating you this way! You clearly do not deserve this kind of treatment and it is childish and unfair of her to make you feel bad!! It sounds like the rest of the family really likes you so yeah--it's totally her problem! I don't understand these mothers who can't accept that there sons are going to grow up and love and marry other woman--it's like theres some sick fantasy these woman have that their precious sons are going to have some complete life that revolves around there mothers! *ugh* well, it sounds like Josh is totally on your side!! That is awesome! big hugs for you!!! Stay strong!!
Some MILs are like that. Mine was. You are just never going to be good enough because a) she didn't pick you for her precious and b) she sees you as competition for his affection, attention and time. Don't even try.
Kudos to Josh for sticking to his guns about moving out of state. If she's anything like my MIL she is past mistress of the passive-agressive guilt trip.
My MIL had convinced herself that a) DH would be a priest. When that didn't work, she was just sure he would b) marry his sister's best friend from childhood...who is like 10 years older than my husband and prefers married men. And didn't know my husband was alive, except as "that brat" who made her teens a misery.
Don't allow this woman to steal your joy.
Aww JC this is a horrible situation for you and your fella to be in. I can relate. My guy's mother finds it hard to cut the apron strings and his family seem to find a perverse joy in criticising every decision he makes and blaming it - however subtly or indirectly - upon me. I wish I could give you some advice as to how to deal with this situation but I haven't found the answer myself yet. Hang in there :)
HH, I don't know if it's anything to do with whether I'm Catholic. She's criticized me for several (irrelevant) things... directing everything to Josh as if trying to make him question our relationship.
"What religion will your children be raised as?" (We have discussed it, and find there are benefits to both our religions and will expose our kids to both Protestant and Catholic Christianity, and allow them to choose their own path.)
His answer: "We're still discussing it." (Meaning "none of your business")
"Does she plan to make your children be vegetarian?" (They'll eat what I cook for them, as all kids eat mom's cooking, which will be vegetarian food.)
His answer: "We're still discussing it." (Meaning "none of your business")
"Well, if you wanted to cook a hamburger at home, would she let you?" (We already compromised that there wouldn't be meat in our apartment because I'm uncomfortable with it, and he doesn't mind being without it. We're doing what keeps both of us happy.)
His answer: "I wouldn't do it because it's her kitchen, too." (Meaning: "none of your business")
"Is she the one pressuring you to move away?" (I have not ever said we needed to move, I kinda like where I am but I will follow Josh anywhere, and have told him to find a job he enjoys and that makes him happy and I'll go with him.)
His answer: "I'm just trying to GET a job. I'm looking nearby, but there isn't anything available right now. She's enrolled at LSU, so we're staying if possible." (Meaning: "shut up")
"Why don't you move back home? I don't think it's appropriate for you to be living with a woman. What am I supposed to tell your aunts?" (He doesn't want to move home because she says she'll clean out a bedroom for him, but doesn't, so he ends up sleeping on a couch every night. It's also a very long drive, since he works in Baton Rouge and often works evenings. Oh, yeah, and it's nobody else's business.)
His answer: "I've tried to, but it's just really inconvenient with my work schedule." (Meaning: "I'm 23 years old. Leave me alone.")
She really is one of those women that just can't let go. She didn't get to hand-choose me, and if she'd met me any other way she'd probably think I was just so great. She disapproves of everything that she didn't account for in her fairy-tale visions of how her oldest son's life would play out. She can't accept his happiness, it has to be about fulfilling her own dreams and expectations. Everything is about her.
You wanna know what? Now I really am telling him we need to move. And do you think I'll want to bring those precious future grandchildren to see their grandma? No way. Why would I want my kids spending weekends with a woman who hates their mother and is always negative and criticizing of me? She's pushing us so far away we're not going to want to come back.
Even poor Josh said when we have kids he'd rather keep visits with his mom very short and spend lots more time around my parents. It's horribly sad.
wow!! i cant believe this is happening! how awful. the only good thing about this though (that i can think of), is that even through all of this crap, you and josh are still together. i cant imagine how hard it must be on you two, but to get through it together is such an accomplishment : )
Did Josh keep you from meeting his parents for years? Maybe it's because he wanted to make sure you were so committed to the relationship that they wouldn't scare you off.
I was thinking about you today. You show much more restraint than I do. If I had been in your situation I would have moved heaven and earth to be at his family's Christmas celebration. That sooo wouldn't have helped anything.
Yes, he did very skillfully keep his parents and I from meeting until this past summer. We've been dating for 4 1/2 years, and I've lived in Louisiana for almost 2.
He told me he wished he hadn't said anything to me yesterday and just went along with our original plan (that he'd pick me up in the morning and we'd spend the whole day together at his aunt's house and then with his parents and siblings), but I told him it would have been bad because his mom would have been unhappy about it. That would have made me unhappy, because she does a very half-assed job of trying to hide it when she's upset... and I'd have felt unwanted...
Oh, right... I do anyway, but... I dunno. I guess I just thought why put myself through that as well? Just stay home, watch our cartoons, and play with Pouncival's new toys. Next year will be better. Because I am going to my own family next year.
I'm kind of amazed he and I are making it through this without any bad feelings toward each other, too. It just seems to bring us closer. I get upset and turn to him for comfort, and he gets protective of me and says I'm just as much family as anyone else.
I dunno how I got the greatest guy in the world, but let me tell you... every relationship (even a fantastic one) has to have SOMETHING suck.
I feel you in this bad situation.Can understand how this could test you.
Good Luck with the relationship.
My suggestion would be to move away from all family.
No big deal you will find out later who really has love for you and your bf.
If they choose to never to speak to you again then don't let it bother you.
OMG, I feel really bad for you, but like some people said, you and Josh are really close in all of this. His mother is really acting like a child, it's unbelievable! You seem like such a nice and amazing person and she's putting you through all of this? I wish I had some advice, I could tell you to go talk to her and ask her what the heck is her problem, but I do not know the woman and it could actually make things worse.
I grew up in a Catholic family, and it is not like that. Well, my parents are both Catholics and they aren't married, so my parents didn't expect me or my brother to get married before living with a boyfriend or girlfriend in my brother's case. So I believe your future MIL is just using religion to try to control her son. Some mothers do that, they don't want to lose their motherly «authority» on their spawn.
Hopefully, everything will work out.
Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone.
Josh and I took a little road trip to New Orleans yesterday with his two best friends from high school that he still keeps in touch with (one lives in Alabama and the other in Georgia now). They had a discussion at lunch about how I am the absolute perfect girl for Josh. One (the more serious one) said that I was just the sort of person he always thought Josh needed in order to make him happy and also get his butt in gear.
The other friend (who is a goofball) said he never really thought about it, but if he had ever thought about it, I would probably be the sort he thought Josh should marry.
He also said I should call him more often, because he was upset I didn't call him like I do the other friend.
We had a great time and they treat me like one of the gang and tease Josh about taking so long to just freakin' marry me already.
It makes me feel really good that these guys who know him so well (probably better than his mom bothers to) have given me their collective approval.
;)b
That's cuz you're a fab person!
I just want to chime in and say I'm sorry your MIL is so evil. At least your BF is willing to stand up for you...I've known of many guys who don't.
For the record, my MIL is great, but my mom's MIL (my dad's mom) is very similar to your MIL so I can kind of relate. You just have to not let her get to you (easier said than done, I know), and limit your contact with her as much as possible so you're not putting yourself through unnecessary stress. It sucks that you can't all be a big happy family, but it's her problem, not yours.