Its "too distracting" for him to look like a girl at school.
So, we went on vacation last weekend and our six-year old boy/girl/undecided chose to buy prosthetic hair and a purse with his money instead of suvineers (he has already asked to grow his hair out "like a girl" and his mom is allowing him too. His hair is currently in a long shag/surfer look so he can put it in little pony tails, etc.
Well, the extensions he got make his ponytails look long and frankly, mother f*cking cute! He chose to wear them to school today (after debating about it Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday) today and tomorrow are the last two days of school.
The teacher told him he had to remove the pigtails because it *might* be distracting to other students. (they actually had recess and library almost all day, sprinkled with parties and mixers with the other first graders...there was no learning going on in that classroom!!!!! >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( )
So, his mom is out of town, I don't know what i should do, if anything. I'm outraged. His mom has spoken with the teacher about the situation but things are still bad. What makes things even worse is that he is going to have to go to the same school next year after all because the adoption is not showing signs of going through before the start of term.
I'm almost to the point where I think his mom should find out if they still have gender identity disorders listed in the DSM as a mental illness so that the school will be FORCED to make accommodations for him (like when they got pissed that he wore girls cloths and when they just now made him take his fake hair out) Gosh, wont they be upset when he comes back next year with long piggy braids!? But the idea of slapping him with a way outdated label just for the sake of having him accommodated for being who he is sucks major ass and teaches nothing to anyone (except for maybe teaching our little kid that he should be ashamed because something is "wrong" with him)
I just learned about a gender outreach program in the community...I must look into that but unfortunately tomorrow is the last day of school so we will have to wait until the start of the new school year. I just feel bad for this kid....I'm pretty sure he is just months away from asking us to let him be a girl all the time and from asking us to call him a "her." (based on the progression of his incresingly more frequent insistance on being identified as a girl and doing things socially charaterized as feminine)
ug....vent over.
You're in a really difficult situation, and I have no advice for you, but I have lots of respect for the way ya'll are letting this little person be him/herself.
what.the.FUCK. (am i allowed to say that here because i totally need to say that here)
:boooo:
have you two talked to the principal and vice principal and super intendant and anyone else above everyone else?
that is so not right.
where do you live? are there trans rights there? if there are, you have more of a chance of helping your little one beat this by next year.
maybe you should contact hrc? i contacted hrc for an issue about my boss cutting my hours and telling everyone it was because he didn't believe gay people should be allowed in the building because they are "nasty" and "wicked". hrc was totally willing to take on my case and take it to court (free of charge to me), but i realized i couldn't handle the stress (thank you anxiety disorder!) and changed jobs instead.
practically my whole family is queer. my sister and i are lesbian (and it surprised no one), my youngest sibling has always wanted to grow up to be a "mommy" despite the fact that he was born with "daddy" parts (might be trans... not sure yet... but no one will be surprised), and my other younger brother is probably straight but has no problem making out with guys for the attention (not sure if that's a positive or not).
the one who wants to be a "mommy" has always loved dressing like a girl and has always wanted to do things that are typically thought of to be girl things... like to be a cheerleader. someone once said to him, "are you sure you don't want to be a football player instead?" and his response was, "okay... so i won't be a cheerleader, but i'll be one of those gymnasts who go out in front of the game and cheer with pompoms!" (uh... like a cheerleader?).
and the brother who is gay for attention... i don't think he does it in a derogatory way. he just found an excellent way to get chicks. he and his friend, michael, have very loud and public break ups and then girls come to comfort them and BAM... he wins. maybe not the greatest influence, but i love that he's comfortable enough with his sexuality that he doesn't care if people think that he's queer.
i cannot believe that this school is pulling this. i mean, it's not even like he's wearing a dress yet! just hair extensions! are boys not allowed to have long hair? if so then i certainly hope girls are held to the same standards because if not then that's definite sexual discrimination.
i'm just infuriated for you.
i want to go "explain" a few things to these people...
william ("mommy") and kevin ("pretend queer") have both worn girl clothes to school and have NEVER gotten in trouble for it.
definitely keep us updated on this.
>:( >:( >:(
rainbow, Im going to google hcr...I dont know what that is but yes we have talked to the principal and she was a million times worse, she said we were irrsponsible for letting him wear girls cloths to school--even made it sound like she was borderline threatening to call CPS or something. I posted about it in a thread called "raising a transgender/intersexed child" but I was too lazy to pull it up just now. Heres the link...
http://vegweb.com/index.php?topic=27640.0
Im glad your family is supportive of one another. thats great that you know you always have one anothers back.
I just tried to email the group...its called "ourtruecolors.org" but my emiail wont go through. great.
We live in a ritzy town near Hartford with million dollar homes...they suck and when they made their school a magnet school a few years ago, they decided to teach french instead of spanish with the explainiation that they wont get kids from "the wrong part of town" if they avoid spanish. They are fucking biggoted idiots and we want the kids out of that school as soon as the adoption goes through.
Geeze Zealia. I feel bad for the kid, you cant have people telling you what you think and feel are wrong, mainly when your that young! Thats insane!
We have rules here about guys not being able to wear girl clothes (which i dont understand because girls can wear guy clothes?) The hair thing just seems stupid, i mean seriously! Thats no big deal at all!
I can't believe the school would act like this towards a 6 year old! I definitely would try to do whatever you can for the kid. I dont really know what except taking the issue to a school board meeting or something. We have them here and theres a time where anyone can sign up to speak (now the members are not allowed to say anything about what you say here though, but they do take it into account and you may talk with them afterwards to get feedback, i dont know if its the same there or not)
Do you have a copy of the school's 'by-laws/rules' handy? It is important to look over the Dress/ Code of Conduct, and see what you agreed to when they attend school. If there are rules on hair length (I attended one school where boys hair length couldn't touch the collar), then you guys may be SOL.... Yeah it sucks, but that is what you agreed to when you enrolled. If that is the case, your best bet then is to go to the school board and petition to have things changed before the next term starts. There is another loophole that would allow them to have their in whatever style they so desire, is to prove they are of Native American descent.
rainbow, Im going to google hcr...I dont know what that is but yes we have talked to the principal and she was a million times worse, she said we were irrsponsible for letting him wear girls cloths to school--even made it sound like she was borderline threatening to call CPS or something. I posted about it in a thread called "raising a transgender/intersexed child" but I was too lazy to pull it up just now. Heres the link...
http://vegweb.com/index.php?topic=27640.0
Im glad your family is supportive of one another. thats great that you know you always have one anothers back.
I just tried to email the group...its called "ourtruecolors.org" but my emiail wont go through. great.
We live in a ritzy town near Hartford with million dollar homes...they suck and when they made their school a magnet school a few years ago, they decided to teach french instead of spanish with the explanation that they wont get kids from "the wrong part of town" if they avoid spanish. They are fucking biggoted idiots and we want the kids out of that school as soon as the adoption goes through.
hrc = human rights campaign. http://www.hrc.org/ that's their site.
so i'm a little out of the loop. who is adopting him?
at first i thought you and his mom were a couple but just now i looked at your other post and it says that you are his nanny.
i learned french, but i was given the choice between french, latin, and spanish (or none at all) and chose to take five years of it (took it until graduation). i definitely didn't do it to avoid the "bad" spanish speaking people!
i would want my kids out of there, too.
and as far as i'm aware, even if they called cps on you it's not a crime to be open and accepting and allow your child to dress how they please (as long as they aren't streaking!).
if i was you, i would have threatened to call them about the principal based off of the EVIDENCE that children who are expected to suppress who they are are WAY more likely to commit suicide, do drugs, and hurt others. so based off of that i can conclude that he thinks you're bad for wanting the best for the child and he thinks he's great for paving a path of depression and suicide for any kid who walks in there and is "different".
what an ass.
i'm beyond heated about this.
contact hrc.
rainbow, the little child and his two siblings are foster care placements. the mom I refer to is technically his foster mom. But she has had them since he was two. I live in teh home so i often call them "my kids or our kids" but Im just the nanny. Anyways, "we" finally, finally got the termination of parental right on the childrens birth parents a few months ago so we had hoped that the adoption would finalize this summer, but it doesnt look that will happen. Untill she does leagally adopt them we are really stuck with the school situation. She wants for us to homeschool the children which I am all in favor of. I think it will be the best thing for ALL the children.
Sorry that was kinda confusing and I can see how you made the mistake!
Im going to see if I can get anything about the bylaws and dress code...that will be helpful in determining our course of action. Thanks guys!
hey z-
i can't remember if the family has looked into getting her a therapist/someone to talk to who works with transgender children. i think this would be a really good route to do. i think GID is still in the DSM and there are different ways to "treat" it, including allowing the child to transition. perhaps if she was working with a professional they will be able to provide support at the school level and would also know what her legal rights are in CT.
Yeah, we were looking for a therapist for C to see that was not going to try to force him/her one way or the other. I think C is kinda confused right now about what he/she wants/identifies as. A therapist would really help, but only the right kind. But we were having NO LUCK....then the other day, someone gave me a pamphlet for the group "ourTrueColors.org" and this group is AMAZING!! I talked with someone on the phone today and they were so kind and understanding. They have therapists, mentors and school liaison that are all ready and eager to help us. The woman I talked to was so sympathetic to our situation. I was relieved that she actually said that it was great that today was the start of summer vacation because that means that we will have the whole summer to formulate a plan and to work with C--I was afraid we would have the problem of having to wait till the semester started! They are also really careful about not labling the children. That is something his mom and I were concerned with. Right now the facts are this: C is biologically male but prefers to present as female and will do so when given the chance and is more and more frequently ASKING to be allowed to present as female. C has not asked us to start saying "she" or anything yet outside of occasional "play time" in which C says he IS a girl and tells us his female name---which is always a variation of his male name. His mom, siblings and I all go along with it...we call him a she until he says "okay, I'm a boy again now!" i have to tell you that as a caregiver who has watched many children engage in all sorts of play, it looks like he is testing it out....hes not pretending to be a dinosaur and use his imagination....hes trying it on like he needs to see if it fits. Like he wants to know that we are okay with him doing that. And we are, of course...Now, this place is TOTALLy okay with those being the facts. the don't push any one label, which is great....But if they can help C sort this out, and then give us the support to help the school support the decision that C makes, we will be doing okay.
I dunno...I just want C to grow up to be happy and comfortable with who he/she is.
Oh, and as a side note, I acquired the school dress code today. It was about three sentaces long and said "Parents are encouraged to exercise discression with clothing choices. Clothes should be clean, neat and not too extreme. Seasonally appropriate attire is recommended"
yeah, my guess is they are going to say that C presenting as a girl all or part of the time is "extreme." But that is seriously the most lineint dresscode I have seen in my whole life and the most open to interpretation...Id also like to note that it leaves discression ultimately in the hands of the parent...and his mom WANTS him to dress as he feels inclined (in this area--obviously she would be opposed to him going half naked...)
Hey, I agree with everything that has been said. I'm so sorry that things are rough and I just hope she/he can have (or has had?) a good last couple of days at school. I'm also glad that now he/she is on summer vacation that he/she will be able to "be" whatever, whenever.
Do work with that group you have spoken to about this situation; they sound great and it looks like they'll be able to help you get a plan ready for the new semester in the fall. And a school liason? Oh man, that could REALLY help you all out. It's so cool that she/he has support like you and his family.
I'm sorry I don't have much to offer as far as advice goes but I do want to offer my support for this little one and you and the family. Keep fighting Zeilia, we're behind you and C.
:)
It was about three sentaces long and said "Parents are encouraged to exercise discression with clothing choices. Clothes should be clean, neat and not too extreme. Seasonally appropriate attire is recommended"
I hate how dress codes always seemed to be worded so the school may do whatever they please and some how class it into what is not allowed...
This school is just pissing me off... I really hope you come out victorious for the kids sake. Poor kid.. If anything else happens regarding this LET US KNOW! (i'm sure you will though). Just dont let the school win, i'm sure no matter what some one can figure out a way to get around their stupid "rules"