Close family member needs help.
I am deeply concerned about him. I love him very much and don't want to loose him. The last few months he has mentioned death (not suicide, just death). Today he said "the only way out of my situation is death!" He had said this a few times before, and he is not the type to over dramatize things. He tends to keep a lot of things bottled up becuase he doesn't want others to be concerned for him. He is in a very bad relationship with his wife who treats him like dirt. They have two kids and even the kids treat him like dirt. He works hard, very hard but his stay at home mom housewife has no respect for him, and because she doesn't, neither do her kids. He has told me several times that he feels like they arn't his kids, even know he knows they are (they have his eyes).
I am out of a job right now, and am actually on a visit and his wife and I don't really get along. I was planning to stay another week but I don't think I could stand to be around her all week while he is at work. So I am thinking of going home Monday, but at the same time, I feel like I am deserting him if I do. He needs me right now, I am really concerned about him. But I do need to get home too (home is 9 hour drive away, two days because I have the baby and am traveling alone) because I have my cats and my garden that needs takn care of.
What can I do for him? I am so worried. I dont' want him to do anything drastic because he feels like it is the only way out.
Divorce is out because he cant afford alimony and child support. (kids are 16 and 11 years old). How can I help him? I love him very much. I dont' want him to die and I hate to see him like this. He is literally shriveling away. His skin is pasty, he is having health problems. He is very important to me, how can I help him?
(((SQ)))
i am so sorry to hear about your family member's situation. since i don't know much about it, i feel like i am shooting in the dark, but this is some stuff i am wondering...
is his wife capable of working? it seems like the kids are old enough that they can maybe start watching themselves for a bit after school?
with this extra money, perhaps they could try some sort of counseling? i don't know if any of this stuff would help them or what the situation really is, though.... i actually feel kind of stupid recommending things because they are probably so off.
have you asked him what he would like and if he says any way of working towards it (sounds like he doesn't since he said the only way out is death)?
wow, i'm really sorry. i dont really have any advice except to tell him that things will get better, no matter how bad things may seem. even a few words of encouragement can help a bunch! i hope he (and you) feel better!!
divorce might be expensive, but not as expensive as staying if it's going to cost his life.
...tell him that.
maybe staying and working things out is not worth it when he feels this way.
everyone deserves respect. and if he files for a divorce because he's feeling abused (emotional/mental) then he probably won't be responsible for alimony. i'm not an expert, but i think abuse would make her no longer eligible for it. maybe instead of child support, they could work out an arrangement so that the kids live half the month with one parent and the other half with the other? that way both parents are equally supporting the children. they could have the kids stay in the house and the parent not staying with the kids for the two weeks can live in an apartment and when they switch the other parent goes to the shared apartment? that's not the way it is usually done, but if he is concerned about making it more comfortable for the kids then maybe it won't be as much of a shock if the surroundings don't change at the same time. they can always do the more common "go to mom's/dad's house" thing after if both he and his wife want/need to get different places to live. they can start with the house and apartment idea and then move over to the two different houses idea if he wants a more gradual change.
i dunno. those are just ideas.
but he definitely needs out of there. you know this. he knows this. if someone is saying, over and over, that they are miserable and the only way out is death, that basically means that he would rather die than stay there. that's not a healthy situation for him, his wife, or the kids.
he needs a divorce.
and if money is an issue, why isn't she working? those kids are old enough so that they don't need her there with them all day. most of the year they are in school during the day!
Divorce is never out of the question. He can file the paperwork himself. As far as child support and alimony, that will vary based on the state's laws where they are residing. The kids are in school and the mother is capable of getting a job during the day to support herself. Child support can be on a sliding scale based on actual income. Subconsciously, you're friend knows what he needs to do to get out of this horrible situation, but whether or not he does it is entirely up to him. You are in a tight situation where you need to offer support and resources to him, but be careful about telling him he needs a divorce because if he doesn't want to go that route and his wife finds out about you encouraging him to divorce her you might lose a friend.... And he'll have lost an obviously valueable supportive friend.
yes. i echo what lauren said.
He sounds like he might be depressed and perhaps needs to speak to a doctor or counselor. Maybe he needs to be on an antidepressant. He also needs to talk to someone and not keep things bottled up inside.
Divorce might not be the answer. Perhaps with some counseling...but it has to be a two-way street, they can work things out. I know what it feels like to be trapped in a situation you feel there's no way out. But it's really that we're stuck in our own depression and inactivity. It's going to take hard work to get himself out of this funk.
Perhaps he needs counseling. Probably the only thing you can do is be a friend and listerner. Be there. Offter to let him get things off his chest. Empower him to take control of things.
I think he should talk with a lawyer to find out for sure what a divorce would end up costing him. It may not be as bad as he imagines, and there may be ways around it. He should also see a doctor about depression. Of course, getting him to do these things may not be no easy feat.
1) I agree with everyone else in that he needs counseling ASAP!!
2) I believe that until he is able to stabilize, he needs to separate himself from his current living situation. (Now if this is an 'intake' center, or just a hotel/apartment, doesn't really matter as long as as he does #1.)
3) What I tend to do when a loved is in need of help is give them the contact info for the available resources. That way, they don't have an excuse about not being able to find/know where to go for help.
Worries about child support/allimony are a dumb reason to stay in a bad relationship. He's already paying to support the kids now, so he'll have to continue doing that, but child support is usually based off of the father's income and what he's able to pay, and from people I've known who have gotten child support, it was such a stupid small amount of money it almost wasn't worth getting.
You also need to take care of yourself, and your child, and your pets, and you shouldn't stick around because you're afraid of what he might do. Find a few resources for him if you want to make sure he has places to turn, and return to your life.
why does he automatically assume that the kids will go to her when he seems more suited to be able to support them?