eating disorders

[melly123]

Thank you for sharing your stories, sometimes it's so hard to admit when we have a problem.

I to struggle with binging and purging most of my life.  Even through my 3 pregnancies I couldn't stop!  It started when I was about 13 after seeing a after school program on HBO.  And being brought up in an physical, mental, and verbal abuse as a child from both parents, the only way out for me was bulimia.
It's gotten worse and sometimes you wonder how much can your body take?  It takes a lot out of you!  I don't want to live my life like this, yet I can't stop!  It's just so hard!

[Vexierspiegel]

Hi everyone,

I'm a little late on this topic because, having had an eating disorder, I usually don't come to this section of the eating disorder. I find that talking with people about exercising regiments can be really... triggering for me.

aml: Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time *hug* I'm a good listener (I've been told), if you need anything at any point, feel free to message me!

It's so great that everyone is so willing to share their stories....

As I explained in my response to the what-does-your-username-mean post, my life was really... turbulent when I was younger. A lot of my parents' responsibilities were placed on me at a young age and I was berated when I didn't do something right. I was also a little overweight in early middle school and my father mocked me for this (retropectively, I think I would have totally grown into it in a year or so and been healthy). All of these pressures and responsibilities and mocking from an "authority figure" drove me to anorexia. I was very anorexic from when I was 13 (or so) until I was 17. I was never committed to a hospital or even brought to a psychiatrist, but my weight loss was very extreme, and I had many health problems because of it. I internalized the "mind-set" very thoroughly. When I was 17 (I was a senior in HS), I had enough close friends who knew about my home situation that I mostly stayed over at their houses, and I rarely spent much time with my parents, and things got better. I was able to stop obsessing about food. I sounds totally shrinky but I think my reaction on food was (1) a way to control some part of my life, (2) a way to punish myself for what I foresaw as all of my shortcoming, and (3) something I told myself I could fix, I remember thinking if I could only *****, everything would get better and my parents would be happier, etc etc etc. "Moving out" and in with my friends gave me control over what I was doing--my parents (my dad really--my mom didn't do this) couldn't yell at me anymore for not being able to find my mom's checkbook, or for not doing the laundry because I was at school, etc etc. Being with people who didn't constantly insult me and getting into college and getting a large merit scholarship helped a lot to make me feel like I didn't need to punish myself, and my anorexia slowly waned. However, when I started to eat something in my body couldn't stop. I ate so many fatty foods, and I think this is because my body was so starved of fats for so long. I panicked when I started gaining weight, and I became very bulemic. I have serious acid reflux and esophageal problems  because of it today... It continued for about a year.

Now I've been at college for (going on) three years, and I still have a lot of the emotional issues that go with an eating disorder: feeling inferior, comparing myself to others, being very perfectionistic, etc. etc, but it's getting better. Some times are better than others. Summers, when everyone is gone and I don't have as strong of a support group--are definitely the hardest, and I return to the "oh, I'll just cut x out of my diet" mindset. Usually, I do pretty well... but I still know I'm "marked" by it. I can tell by the "signs" very often when someone I know has or has had an eating disorder, and I'm sure they can tell with me too, and I'm very conscious of this.... I still identify and describe myself a lot by that experience, just like how I define myself as vegetarian(/almost vegan), a chemistry major, etc, I define myself as someone-who-has-had-a-severe-eating-disorder.

I had no idea so many people here have had eating disorders too. One *very* helpful source I had in beginning my recovery was actually another forum--I don't visit it much now because some of the "lesser recovered" people can be very triggering for me, but I likely would not have been able to come this far without professional help (which I'm not opposed to, I just don't have health insurance and can't afford it) is the something fishy web forum: http://www.something-fishy.org/online/bulletinboard.php -- not sure what it's like now because I really haven't been a regular there for over a year, but it might be helpful to some who are recovering. Also, I definitely find it helpful to talk with people who have had these issues... so if anyone wants to message me about anything, I would love to listen. I know most of you have really supportive networks IRL, but sometimes I've found that a lot of these emotions/impulses/feelings we have that are associated with eating disorders are SO HARD for someone else to understand, so it's less stressful if you can say, "I am in xxxx position right now, and I feel xxx" and you know you haven't done a good job of explaining yourself, but the other person knows exactly what you're talking about anyway. Trying to explain how my ED makes me feel to my boyfriend and knowing he just completely, 100% does not understand at all is one of the more frustrating things I've experienced... I'm glad he hasn't lived through it, but I want him to understand it so he can better understand me, since it's such a big part of who I am, for better or worse.

Lots of hugs to everyone,
Nicole

[amymylove]

Thank you for sharing your stories, sometimes it's so hard to admit when we have a problem.

I to struggle with binging and purging most of my life.  Even through my 3 pregnancies I couldn't stop!  It started when I was about 13 after seeing a after school program on HBO.  And being brought up in an physical, mental, and verbal abuse as a child from both parents, the only way out for me was bulimia.
It's gotten worse and sometimes you wonder how much can your body take?  It takes a lot out of you!  I don't want to live my life like this, yet I can't stop!  It's just so hard!

well thank god u haven't experienced horrible side effects i am scared out of my mind right now because both feet have been swollen bad since yesterday... getting blood work done tomorrow...

thank u for sharing though... i think it helps to talk about it... i was "good" today hopefully we can all support each other and provide the strength many of us need to stop! u can do it we all can

[amymylove]

Nicole ur story sounds similar to mine (parents thing, bulimic afterwords thing) but mine hasn't had such a good ending... i am so happy for u that u pulled through! welcome to this forum all support welcome talking and hearing ur stories makes me want to get better too

[Vexierspiegel]

Amymylove: Thanks for your reply! If you want to talk more, I'm always here . Just a PM away. I'm definitely not completely recovered... not sure that ever happens. But I'm just not engaging in behaviors.

one thing I've found useful to help me is to stop thinking about it in terms of "good" and "bad" -- or, more precisely, in terms of me being "good" and "bad". For the longest time I thought, "Oh, I haven't done X today, I've been good" and it took me a long time but when I was able to internalize that I was "good" any day when I tried my best was a huge advantage... becuase then if I had a setback I didn't feel as negative about myself about it, because (for me at least) having setbacks and then feeling really negatively about myself because of it only drove me farther back into the behaviors.

But yeah, amy, I'm totally available if you want to talk about anything--ED related or not!

xoxoxo,
Nicole

[amymylove]

this is true "good/bad" has just been my codewords for so long i know what u mean because when i am "bad" i feel like my whole day is fucked up and then i just b/p the rest of the day and tell myself i will start again tomorrow... thank u for ur support and i know what u mean because this will be a life long battle for me i am positive of that! right now i feel full and kinda gross but i remind myself that i ate healthy (brussels and bbq pinto beans) for dinner so i need to keep these good foods in me... shit 1 day without b/p is huge for me

[taintedlove908]

I need some better ways to cope with things. I'm so stressed out right now.. 

[Vexierspiegel]

Taintedlove: I know how that goes... sometimes it helped me to look at this: http://www.something-fishy.org/reach/waystocope.php list of ways to cope/distract yourself when times are really rough. I use it mostly at those times when I really can't think of any better way to come than what I'm doing, or when I just can't stop thinking about food and can't think of anything distracting to do. You can also build off of it and make your own list somewhere that you can reference.

<3 Hugs.
Nicole

[amymylove]

try to stay out of the house tl... or clean or something to keep urself busy... or sleep... luv u!

[Narcissus]

Sharing this because I've been finding it helpful: an obsessive personality tends to accompany an eating disorder, though I couldn't tell you what causes what, if anything... But lately I've been trying to just acknowledge and accept that yes, I am an obsessive person, and yes, when I get stuck on something, I get stuck to it HARD. So the fact that I have obsessive thoughts about food that swirl around in my head and try and distract me from everything else? Yeah, they're there. No, I can't magically make them go away. But they're not bad in and of themselves - they're just my brain doing what it does and getting stuck into weird feedback loops. I try to remember that there's a good side to being obsessive, as well - I never do anything by halves; if I'm passionate about something, I throw myself into it with as much of myself as I can muster. The swirling thoughts, turning the same thing over and over in my head? Allows me to think in much more depth than I might otherwise. And I try to redirect my obsessive tendencies - planning a garden, thinking about plans for uni, organizing bits of my life I find scary or overwhelming into lists, to make them more approachable. Maybe I'm a little weird in the head. But maybe that's OKAY.

[taintedlove908]

thanks vexer & aml.

narcissus: I agree. I have an obsessive personality too. It's like once it's on your brain it doesn't leave. But yeah, it can be a good thing, at times... just finding it difficult to put it to good use lately.

[underSARAH]

I havent really read through this thread.
But i've been looking at how i'm eating. And i was wondering, is it possible to have a subconscious eating disorder? If that even makes sense.
Often, i'll go all day and not eat at all, and not even think about it until about 12 when i'll make something simple and go to bed.
Ive thought i was just lazy, but, i get to where i get really bad headaches, yesterday i was super dizzy from not eating and didn't even think to make more food.
I don't have a problem with my body or anything, I was just wondering if anyone can relate to this or maybe help me figure it out?
My friends tell me i should be eating way more, and i know i should be, but i just dont?

[amymylove]

totally obsessive here!!! i do get stuck on the food thoughts and it is hard to beat them... i can hardly sleep at night because i have thoughts constantly in my head... i would rather be able to turn my brain off than ob

US i think ur one of the lucky people in life that only eats when they feel like eating (my boy is the same) as long as ur not planning to not eat all day i wouldn't worry about it

[Vexierspiegel]

underSarah: I agree wtih aml. I have some friends who just legitimately forget to eat sometimes.... tey just pack something with them like a granola bar and try to remember to eat it if they're feeling really dizzy or bad.

I'm also very obsessive, I plan things out, etc etc.

[ponycakes!]

totally obsessive here!!! i do get stuck on the food thoughts and it is hard to beat them... i can hardly sleep at night because i have thoughts constantly in my head... i would rather be able to turn my brain off than ob

US i think ur one of the lucky people in life that only eats when they feel like eating (my boy is the same) as long as ur not planning to not eat all day i wouldn't worry about it

Ughh samesies here. I think about food all the time and I eat until I feel sick because I just want to eat, not because I'm hungry. When there's no food in the house or like..nothing I want for a snack even if I'm not hungry, I'll get upset. Even if I look at my belly and think "I've definitely had enough for today," I can't not eat more. :\ Sometimes I tell Sean to remind me that I've had enough and I should not eat because I'll feel bad about myself afterward, but when he does tell me, I yell at him because I need to eat. It's frustrating. If I buy chips or something at the store, I'll eat half the bag, until I feel sick, then put them away. Sean will eat a few chips and then just stop. I hate that he can stop eating when he's full and that he doesn't think about food all day and that he even forgets to eat sometimes.

that felt really good to say.