eating disorders

[BreyettEyes]

my boyfriend is in china...all I want is a hug to feel safe and comforted and...I want to breathe freely just for a second and briefly escape all this horrid stuff I'm facing at the moment...whata  request huh.

but thanks...

[amymylove]

im pretty sure me and my boyfriend r broken up after almost 3 years together i feel distraught i would rather be dead right now

[veganhippie]

omg, aml, im soooooo sorry!! :'[ don't worry, time heals everything. it's gonna hurt for a while, but you'll realize that eveything happens for a reason and you're better off without him. :] all hugs and love going your way!!

[taintedlove908]

don't worry, time heals everything. it's gonna hurt for a while, but you'll realize that eveything happens for a reason and you're better off without him. :]

Seriously. Boys are overrated, anyways. Hugs from over here too!

[amymylove]

i don't know i love him so much but we fight about the same fucking shit... i realize i am not perfect because i b/p but i do everything for him... he says he will change these few things for me (helping me out around the house w/o asking, being responsible so i am not worrying about him, calling to let me know he's okay when he's out all night just so i can feel that he's safe) i dont feel like i am asking for that much... i just feel like i have no one else i have very few friends anymore... FML i hate feeling this way i feel rotten and depressed... my sister came over to give me some support (my bro blowed me off b/c he was busy sitting at an internet cafe w/ friends) i just feel so empty

[taintedlove908]

I'm sorry you feel empty, aml. I wish I could offer some really good advice right now, but if I knew any, I'd probably be applying it in my own life too.  I hope this feeling doesn't stick around much longer, for either of us.

[amymylove]

k my boy officially dumped me after 3 fucking years!!! i hope i can get through this... i was good today i didn't b/p... i know everything in life happens for a reason so i pray something good comes out of this... u know what's fucked i seriously got to the point where i wanted to cut myself again (i didn't)... i can do this on my own... at least i have my dogs

[taintedlove908]

I'd take my dogs over any relationship. They're always there, no matter what.

[taintedlove908]

Okay, so on Wed my therapist helped me tell my PSR worker what was going on. Okay, so she told her for me while I smoked and froze up. Then today I met with my psychiatrist with my PSR worker and now my psychiatrist is in the loop too now. Everything's going to work out. It's a big relief.

[amymylove]

good tl stay strong

[amymylove]

i have not been well lately i need to change i wish this would stop... my boy came home and we r working things out besides that fuck

[veganhippie]

to tl and aml, you guys are strong, you can do it. you may have some off days, but you're getting there! :]

[faylinameir]

All of your stories have touched me deeply. I wanted to start off by saying that. I figure I might as well tell my story, as hard as it is to admit.

When I was really young, I was petite, I was perfect weight for my age, i felt fantastic. I look at photos of my 7-8 ages and I am just skinny and beautiful. My grandma always figured I was TOO skinny, no one ever stopped to ask me how i felt, or too me to a doctor, we couldn't afford that. So instead my grandma forced food down my throat. She didn't do it to be cruel, she tried to help. Shortly thereafter I gained weight, and kept gaining weight. By the time I was in 4th-5th grade I was overweight, vastly overweight i believe although im not sure. I became depressed, Id been struggling with depression since 7yr old when my grandpa died, he was my father figure. Depression wasn't something most people cared about 15 years ago. So by the time I hit 8th grade I was about 250lbs, 6ft tall and felt so disgusting I wanted to die.

I tried commiting suicide around the same time, my mother was in prison for drugs, I hated most of my family and people around me, I was fat, overweight, and couldn't take it anymore. I won't take about what made me snap because I just cant bare to explain it but it was just 7 words that made me do it. The first time I tried to OD on sedatives and pain killers, I took enough medicine that it could kill a horse within minutes. And somehow, for some reason I didn't die, they pumped out my stomach and forced my grandma to put me in mental care facility. So I told them everything they wanted to hear, and was out within a month. I thought okay... now I've fucked everything up and I'll be more secretive about it all. My depression didn't get better, it got much worse.

I started illegally buying cigerettes from high schoolers, was drinking social with friends at 2am, I felt disgusting. I stopped eating during the day and would binge on food right before bed. I lost a few pounds believe it or not. This wasn't enough for me, I started eating VERY little food, never eating infront of people because I didn't want to seem like a cow. I remember my friends offering to share their food, they were concerned I was not eating. Sometimes I would eat and I would go throw it back up before lunch was over in school. School was half over, I was for the most part anorexic, but I really wasn't losing much weight, I would throw up sometimes but I have almost no gag reflexes which makes it almost impossible, which I guess is a good thing for the most part. I started huffing inhalents as a way to make myself pass out or to become dizzy.

I ended up "voluntarily" going back to the mental facility. I was told if I didn't go willingly and "find help" I would be forced. So I locked myself up. I was put on antidepressent medicine which made me gain weight, I did NA, AA, and self esteem groups, I also had to go through a bunch of counciling. The funny part was, the counsiling made me worse, I didn't want anyone else to help me with my problems, I felt it was something I needed to do on my own.

After lying, yet again, to get out of the mental ward I did day treatment, I remember this because I was at the day treatment when 9/11 happened. It was at that point I developed a cutting habit, it was something one of my fellow treatment members taught me as a "stress reliever" And it worked for me. I still have 3 scars on my left arm from it, although they are almost gone, its what reminds me not to do it again.

I had at this point stopped starving myself, and instead, it turned into compulsive eating. Its still what I suffer from today. I don't accept professional help for any part of my life, its just not me. I'm happy to say I have worked out all of my depression issues, other then the normal sadness when something devestating happens. I no longer drink (other then like twice a year), I gave up smoking 8 months ago, only to start again recently, which is a secret no one other then myself, step son, and husband know. But it feels nice to tell someone else. I'm too ashamed to tell my family. I don't do drugs of any kind anymore, and haven't for 8 years now. I am very anti-drugs of any kind, its one of the reasons I don't even take perscription medicine unless my life depends on it.

I don't know why or how i went from being anorexic to now i gorge myself with food. I am getting better, its a slow process for me. I have started out at my highest 289, I am down to roughly 252 now within 3 -4 months. I did that while eating meat. Now I know my weight will come off more and for once I feel incontrol of my body. Its still hard. Like for instances we have all this halloween candy that i just oinked out on and I feel so horrible about it, but i don't know why i did it, kinda just because it was there. I'm still somewhat scarred, I never really liked eating my grandpas cooking because it brings back bad memories. Now I miss it because she can't cook anymore, shes too frail, but thats another story. I don't trust doctors, Im terrified of hospitals and food is so evil to me. I don't take medicine, and I'm almost obsessive over calories and stuff in food now, but I don't consider that really bad.

I feel like im rambling, and that all this doesn't make sense.  But its nice to have someone to talk to so to speak I know I have some body issues because I want to be that skinny person that I know isn't healthy, but im willing to settle for half way.

[amymylove]

thank u for ur story! i know how tough it is when u feel like ur being forced to change by others... unfortunately this is the 1 thing that u yourself can control... when u r ready to get better u will get better... i know how hard it is to go from being anorexic to trying to eat normally this is what happened to me... after being anorexic i started off by binging (my friend told me i looked fat after gaining some pounds) and within about 6 months i was purging too... hopefully we can all have the strength to pull through this... i am almost forced at this point because i have fucked my body up beyond repair we r all here for u whenever... just talking about it is helping me... if possible try to keep healthy stuff around the house (i have gotten rid of almost all tempting food) so u wont feel so guilty about eating it... i'm going to be good today i swear it! i have to go to the doctor for some blood work and see why i have 1 huge swollen foot

[veganhippie]

faylinameir, wow, that's a lot to go through. im really sorry, but im glad you shared your story. isn't great to get it off your chest? and we're all here for you, so good luck! :]]