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Marriage and happiness

How many people think that within a marriage one of the spouses  don't owe to their spouses happiness?

I see it this way if one spouse doesn't give the other spouse sex. Does that bring unhappiness to the other spouse?

If one works and the other doesn't. Does that bring unhappiness to the other spouse?

If one does 0 chores around the house and the other spouse does. Does that bring unhappiness to the other spouse?

If one spouse beats the other spouse. Does that bring unhappiness to the other spouse?

If one spouse calls their spouse bad names left and right. Does that bring unhappiness to the other spouse?

I....myself....
Think that ALL of your questions "answer" themselves.....
Loud and clear........

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Of course all of those things bring unhappiness, but it's important to remember that you shouldn't rely on anyone else for validation.
If you aren't feeling happy, it's not necessarily because of your spouse or anyone around you.  Too many people automatically point the finger at others without realizing something maybe wrong within.

For example, if you're in an abusive relationship, you can get out.  It's not your fault that it turned out that way, but you have to take it upon yourself to change things

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^^ I agree with both statements above.

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There's a difference between (1) being responsible for making a person happy and (2) not doing things that make another person unhappy.  Sure, people shouldn't (generally, wantonly) do things that make their spouses unhappy, when it can be avoided.  But no one should be responsible for another person's happiness, either.  It doesn't work.

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Of course all of those things bring unhappiness, but it's important to remember that you shouldn't rely on anyone else for validation.
If you aren't feeling happy, it's not necessarily because of your spouse or anyone around you.  Too many people automatically point the finger at others without realizing something maybe wrong within.

For example, if you're in an abusive relationship, you can get out.  It's not your fault that it turned out that way, but you have to take it upon yourself to change things

What do you mean validation?  Like I said before the one spouse (either one) is liable a little bit but not 100 percent. No way.

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There's a difference between (1) being responsible for making a person happy and (2) not doing things that make another person unhappy.  Sure, people shouldn't (generally, wantonly) do things that make their spouses unhappy, when it can be avoided.  But no one should be responsible for another person's happiness, either.  It doesn't work.

I understand what your saying. But sometimes also just sometimes that's part of it what I said in this post.

Is your husband or wife part of your life?

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If one works and the other doesn't. Does that bring unhappiness to the other spouse?

If one does 0 chores around the house and the other spouse does. Does that bring unhappiness to the other spouse?

If one spouse calls their spouse bad names left and right. Does that bring unhappiness to the other spouse?

1. yes. i work part time and my BF works full time (and sometimes part time also) and he gets mad at me all the time about it

2. yes. when my BF and i stay together sometimes, i'm usually the one that cleans because i only work part time. but it would be nice for him to help when he IS there with me. i'm basically his maid sometimes though..

3. yes. my BF doesn't call me bad names but his constant anger over my job and my ED recovery (or lack of), makes me feel worthless, and my telling him that doesn't make him realize it. he just says i'm too sensitive

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Of course all of those things bring unhappiness, but it's important to remember that you shouldn't rely on anyone else for validation.
If you aren't feeling happy, it's not necessarily because of your spouse or anyone around you.  Too many people automatically point the finger at others without realizing something maybe wrong within.

For example, if you're in an abusive relationship, you can get out.  It's not your fault that it turned out that way, but you have to take it upon yourself to change things

What do you mean validation?  Like I said before the one spouse (either one) is liable a little bit but not 100 percent. No way.

I just mean that sometimes it seems like people in relationships are only there so that they can be reassured that someone loves them and that they're worth something.  And you should know that about yourself way before you ever even think about entering a relationship

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no one should be responsible for another person's happiness, either.  It doesn't work.

Being one that was married for a while...a long while.....you are SO right....we're still friends (my ex and I)..."good" friends.....we just could not live together any longer....

We just were not meant to spend our lives together....that's all...

In a way....

I'm glad we both figured that out.....so many don't....and go on and on and on and on.....

We live 1 time....only once....why not be happy?!

You try, you talk, you try and talk and work things out....and if they don't work out....you move on....simple!

It was good!...it was great!...it was bad!...it was sad!....

overall...

it was LIFE.....

No regrets...none :)

The problem I see with the "concept" of "marriage"....
and what makes a "happy" marriage....
is religion.

Marriage in itself is a religious concept....one based off of religion.....

So....if you say.. "I do"...before god....
and it does not work out.....

Why do so many "suffer".....and stay in abusive relationships? Or learn....just as we do with friends sometimes....that we really are different? IS everyone still best friends with their childhood best friend?!
Maybe because "god" says it's "bad" to get divorced, some won't?!

We should stay together in the name of some religion? One maybe based on a "fable" that was penned thousands of years ago?

-is  not marriage itself....that "legal act of getting married"...just an extension of religion anyways?......

If you "love" someone....truly love them.....regardless of standing before some "god"....
and you BOTH want to make a commitment....."a legal commitment"...then it should be recognized.....man &  woman, woman & woman, or man & man.....
The government, nor should a church/temple'ect....have anything to do with it.....

I always had a "big" problem with having to make things "legal"......love has nothing to do with being "legally married".....love is just that...love....
You should be able to make accommodations for each to take care of one another.....with regards to estate, and health care.....by just simply signing a legal document....one that can be reversed upon a breakup...

It's sad that the governments of all civilized nations get their say....on what is a "marriage" between those that just simple love one another.....love is just that...love.... ;)

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Well said!

Love is just love. Kinda why I have a HUGE problem with homophobia. What right does the church, gov't or anyone else have to tell me who/what gender I can have legal ties to? You take "gay" donations and taxes and then limit gays rights?

A happy marriage should depend solely on the happiness of the people involved. Nothing else.

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Yeah.  I only got married for the insurance.  I don't feel any differently about DH now than I did in the 2.5 years we lived together before we got married.

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Yeah.  I only got married for the insurance.  I don't feel any differently about DH now than I did in the 2.5 years we lived together before we got married.

Yip. It didn't change your love did it? Doesn't make it more or less official or anything.

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Nobody owes me happiness.  Nor am I responsible for any other (adult) person's happiness, no matter the nature of relationship between us.

This question really burns my @ss, actually.  Why are you considering marriage the be-all and end-all of committed relationships?  Is a gay couple any less committed or loving just because the government will not let them marry?  What about hetero couples that choose not to marry?

For example, I don't know her, but based on her posts about relationships, I would assume that Ecstatic (forgive me for dragging you in here) and her partner have a very loving, respectful relationship, without marriage.  Your questions, I feel, try to invalidate that partnership, and countless others.  What about a wedding makes a relationship deeper or stronger than it would otherwise be?

I think I have a lot of other points I want to make, but I'm too pi$$ed off to think of 'em.

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We've been married for 24 years, and it is true that in a very real sense you can't expect the other person to "make you happy." Happiness is something you make up as you go along; expecting the other person to meet all your needs and fill all your voids is way too much to put on another human being; I wouldn't like such a burden myself. As I heard a young newlywed remark, "You know what? Disney lied." It's not the happy ending, it's the beginning.

And you can't "make" anyone happy if you're not happy in yourself. You can't depend on a relationship to fulfill you just because you have one. If I'm not a positive person, positive people won't want to be around me; if I'm sowing discord and misery and depression wherever I go, I can be sure that's what I'll find.

Any stable relationship takes work, and yes, it's got to come from both sides. Can't expect the other person to do it all. And besides, contributing to the relationship is fun, if you start with the right base: friendship and mutual respect. Without those, don't even bother, it's not going anywhere.

I don't work outside the home, but I have valid reasons for doing that, and it was a decision we both agreed on. We also don't have children--another considered, and wise, decision we made together. He doesn't feel that I'm "freeloading" and I don't feel that I'm repressed, or left out,  or anything. Over the last 2-3 yrs I've started tutoring from home, and it IS satisfying to be able to contribute; but I'm not at all embarassed or ashamed of the years I spent at home, just doing the home things. Now retired, DH helps me when I'm pushed for time, and I always remember to express my appreciation (and if I don't watch it he's gonna be a better cook than me!)  ;D Being an older man and a Spaniard, he has had to learn new ways of doing things (and his mother hated me, being sure that I was ruining her little boy by asking him to help me out--guess what, Ma, he volunteered!) but we both are learning about life every day. And that's the way it should be. We've gone through our hard times together, but we had and have each other's support. We don't agree on a lot of things, but we have learned to agree to disagree and respect the other's choices.  I'm a Christian; he's a "freethinker" (his word for it.) He doesn't mind my attending services etc, and I don't hassle him for not attending. He was 37 when I married him, I figure he's a big boy and makes his own decisions; just like I make my own.

And yes, we love each other. All the time. Every day. For the last 24 years.
It's been quite a trip, and I hope to travel with him for a long, long time!

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My boyfriend and I are really undecided about this marriage thing. We've already told one another that this is it for us, and made that committment to each other. We're both atheists ... so we don't want to marry in a church. We're both anarchists (the capitalist kind, lol) so we both resent the whole license from the government.

On the other hand, without it, we can't get things like joint taxes, putting me on his insurance or vice versa, etc. Then, when kids come into the picture, it becomes even more complicated.

Probably, we'll go to the court house one of these days on a lunch break and sign the darn thing. (Yea, we're so romantic, lol).

Anyway, I digress.

I was a complete and happy person before I met my S/O. He was a complete and happy man before he met me. Neither of us need the other to make us happy or complete. We choose to be together for very selfish reasons, i.e. I want him in my life because having his presence there is better than not. He's my ideal, my hero ... just the greatest thing since sliced bread. ;) He thinks the same about me. So, we choose to be together and we work to remain together.

We chose to promise our lives to one another, but it is conditional on certain things. For instance, I love him because his values and philosophy reflect mine. So, if, all of a sudden he started worshiping god, and decided to be a preacher ... I'd leave. Because, ultimately, I am responsible for my own happinness as he is for his. So, if being a preacher is what would make him happy - don't sacrifice that for me. Go for it ... and I'll go the other way.

Assuming his values and philosophy do not change, and neither do mine ... then just him, just who he is as a person, just being there makes my life better. So, I'll work to have him in it. And I'll work at it because it makes me happy. Just as my being in his life makes him happy, and he'll work to keep me there.

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I agree that people aren't responsible for your mood or happiness.  I'm generally happy, but some of my energy feeds off of the people I'm around.  If I'm around a like-minded person, it builds the relationship, and if I'm around someone who constantly needs propping up, it hurts the relationship.  That's any type of relationship.

If you're committed anyway, getting married isn't good or bad, it just is - and has positive benefits, like health care.

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So there's no one here who believes that if they're unpleasant to someone, they're not responsible for the unhappiness that results?

There are a lot of kind-hearted souls on this board who I think place others' happiness before their own because deep-down, they believe the statement above.

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So there's no one here who believes that if they're unpleasant to someone, they're not responsible for the unhappiness that results?

There are a lot of kind-hearted souls on this board who I think place others' happiness before their own because deep-down, they believe the statement above.

I can't answer for anyone else, of course, but this is how I feel:  Plenty of people have been unpleasant to me.  I don't feel "unhappy" because of it.  The actions, labels, beliefs, etc. of another person have no effect on how I see myself. 

I try to be a "good" person because, ultimately, it would hurt my happiness to be an a$$hole more than it would hurt anyone else's.

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Hmmm TKitty96 - I hadn't thought about it that way. Being nice for your own good rather than because you think you're responsible for others' reactions....shoot. You might have talked me into being nice  8)

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The other side of it is that a relationship can have the sex, the money, the clean house, whatever and still be unhappy.

There was a really interesting metaphor in Dan Millman's blog.  He said he went to a wedding where part of the ceremony was for the bride and groom to each have a candle and then light a third candle representing their union.  Then they each blew their own candle out.  He said never to blow your own candle out.  Really, I am 100% responsible for my own happiness.  My reactions to things are my own.  I choose whether or not to appreciate a beautiful flower or whether or not to overreact to being cut off in traffic.

Similarly, if my "husband" is creating an environment where it is difficult for me to feel happy, it is my choice to leave.

I agree with Yabbitgirl- healthy relationships REQUIRE an effort from both parties to make things work.  If I am ok with myself and my own life, it is much easier to work those things out.  If I'm already miserable, I'm much more likely to blame him for things, nag him, etc because I am expecting him to be responsible for my happiness.  Like someone else on here said, that just doesn't work.

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