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Positive Action, Self-Harm Prevention, and Recovery Club!

Welcome!
This is a space for VWers of all walks of life to come and share their experiences as We work toward recovery from self-destructive behaviours, such as eating disorders, substance abuse, and self-injury.
Of course, this thread can't replace the help of medical professionals, but I think a lot of Us would benefit from this little bit of therapy. YOU set goals for Yourself, share Your progress (and setbacks, when/if they happen), and We'll all be here to cheer You on!

This is also a place where You can come when You're tempted to do something self-destructive (like self-injure, binge/purge, get drunk, etc.) and You need some distraction. Even if no one else is online, come and vent and just type away/post pictures/whatever instead of engaging in harmful activity.

Don't be ashamed if You're struggling with meeting Your goals or keeping Yourself out of the cycle of self-harm.... We've all been there, and this isn't a place for judgment. But be ready for advice and maybe even some tough love--We want to see everyone through their struggles, but it's important that We all remain open to absolute honesty and constructive criticism.

So if You're new to this discussion, feel free to share some information about Yourself--however much/little You want--and tell Us what exactly You want to change. We'll help You set up some goals, p'raps give some advice on how to work on them, and cheer You on as You work toward self-betterment.

;)b

Amy, when my blood sugar is always high, the cells in my body can't access glucose. The function of insulin is to "unlock" the cell so that glucose can enter. Without insulin, the cells remain locked, and the glucose can't enter. Since the glucose can't get into the cells, they start to starve (because glucose provides energy). Then the cells start using body fat for energy and the unused glucose builds up in my blood. So when I start controlling my blood sugar the cells can access the glucose from food, and they stop eating fat. Then the body thinks it's been starving for a while and builds up the fat stores again. And I become a lard-o. It makes me sad. It makes me even more sad because I've been eating less and moving more, and I'm still gaining weight. And my pants are getting tight. And that makes me feel really crappy. I had made it down to a size 6 pants, and now I'm going to have to break out the fat jeans again.

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Is it possible that you aren't eating enough? It sounds kind of crazy (especially to me), but they say that they body holds onto fat when it thinks of itself as starving. Maybe try eating higher amounts of low GI foods, so it won't spike your blood sugar? And eat in regular intervals throughout the day? And try a little strength training along with some cardio to help rev up your metabolism? I'm not sure what you're doing already, but that might help.

Keep listening to your body, Amy, I have to do the same. It just feels so...difficult. My mind is at war with my body, it's awful some days. I feel kind of okay today, yesterday was ehh, the day before was good...I just want to start eating a little more without freaking out. And without gaining a hella lotta weight :\

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Amy, when my blood sugar is always high, the cells in my body can't access glucose. The function of insulin is to "unlock" the cell so that glucose can enter. Without insulin, the cells remain locked, and the glucose can't enter. Since the glucose can't get into the cells, they start to starve (because glucose provides energy). Then the cells start using body fat for energy and the unused glucose builds up in my blood. So when I start controlling my blood sugar the cells can access the glucose from food, and they stop eating fat. Then the body thinks it's been starving for a while and builds up the fat stores again. And I become a lard-o. It makes me sad. It makes me even more sad because I've been eating less and moving more, and I'm still gaining weight. And my pants are getting tight. And that makes me feel really crappy. I had made it down to a size 6 pants, and now I'm going to have to break out the fat jeans again.

damn courth that really sucks :( i remember i had a friend who was diabetic and she was heavier and got pretty thin (don't think she was eating much)... she always seemed to have a larger mid section and chicken legs no matter what... that's gotta be rough on your body... there is no cure or anything for it ever?

danni i wanna get better, next week is close though for accounting, which means i have to stay at work on my lunch and eat crap food that they order from restaurants... it's hard for me to be good when i have to pollute my body with restaurant food

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That really sucks :( Can you bring your own food with you to work? Like a nice big salad or something? I can't even get myself to eat in social situations. I just end up not eating, or ordering a black coffee or something like that, so I'm not one to talk about what to do in a work atmosphere like that...I haven't eaten "out" for about 3 years now, and have even skipped my family's last 3 major holiday meals, or just didn't eat at them. I just can't eat in front of people...

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Courth that's gotta be really hard on you. We all seem to struggle so much with body image and control, it seems that your diabetes is really intertwined with those two things. Do you ever do "work" (with a therapist on your own blah blah) to accept your body and focus on your strengths at whatever shape/size it's at? I know that's very difficult to do. But for instance--is everything over a size six for you "fat clothes"? Maybe you could redefine them as "perfectly fine the way i am clothes" and even try on some new stuff that's really pretty and appeals to you. For what it's worth, I think your picture is so pretty! You have great skin and such a sweet smile and you bring tons of happiness to vegweb.

On eating out/in front of people: i've gone on kind of a rollercoaster loopdeeloo with this and am currently at a place where I have three restaurants I can go out to eat with my boyfriend, order the same vegan meal i always get and enjoy it without panicking about it. i really hate going unexpected places though, and it's near impossible if i'm at someones house to ask for something (i can barely manage "please pass the salt"). but i think its the one step forward, two back, three forward, one back etc. thing.

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That really sucks :( Can you bring your own food with you to work? Like a nice big salad or something? I can't even get myself to eat in social situations. I just end up not eating, or ordering a black coffee or something like that, so I'm not one to talk about what to do in a work atmosphere like that...I haven't eaten "out" for about 3 years now, and have even skipped my family's last 3 major holiday meals, or just didn't eat at them. I just can't eat in front of people...

if i didn't eat with them that would be viewed as "weird" so i kinda just gotta, it's not really an option... i can just order a salad or something, i usually bring my vegan ranch to work during this time so i know i will for sure at least have a salad to eat with some good dressing...

i don't really care that much about eating in front of people... i do sketch a little around boys, especially if i like them cause i feel like a slob when i eat...

danni, don't you feel like not eating makes you seem weirder? not trying to be mean or anything! i feel like if i don't eat something (and i am pretty skinny) people freak out and make an already annoying situation ever more annoying... or think i am some weird vegan who never eats... i dunno

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That really sucks :( Can you bring your own food with you to work? Like a nice big salad or something? I can't even get myself to eat in social situations. I just end up not eating, or ordering a black coffee or something like that, so I'm not one to talk about what to do in a work atmosphere like that...I haven't eaten "out" for about 3 years now, and have even skipped my family's last 3 major holiday meals, or just didn't eat at them. I just can't eat in front of people...

if i didn't eat with them that would be viewed as "weird" so i kinda just gotta, it's not really an option... i can just order a salad or something, i usually bring my vegan ranch to work during this time so i know i will for sure at least have a salad to eat with some good dressing...

i don't really care that much about eating in front of people... i do sketch a little around boys, especially if i like them cause i feel like a slob when i eat...

danni, don't you feel like not eating makes you seem weirder? not trying to be mean or anything! i feel like if i don't eat something (and i am pretty skinny) people freak out and make an already annoying situation ever more annoying... or think i am some weird vegan who never eats... i dunno

Oh, I'm positive I look weird to people. I just know that I couldn't eat even a small plate of food in front of people. I have this warped feeling that they'd be thinking "Oh my god, she eats?" Maybe if I didn't feel like people were judging me for eating, I could do it. Food just makes me feel...guilty and gross. It's weird. My family doesn't nag me at all to eat - mum knows it upsets me, as do my sister and grandmother. Everyone else (if it's a family dinner) just never even mention the fact that I'm not eating. I'm sure they can tell there's something "wrong." I just don't know what they're exactly thinking or whether or not they even care. :\

You should suggest a place to order food in that you're comfortable with, instead of eating shit from wherever your coworkers choose! At least you always have the ranch option, that's at least something.

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I support this thread.

I started seeing my therapist again. Felling overwhelmed with finances, work, no work and not being able to keep my house.  She feels I've experienced a fair share of trauma and make decisions accordingly.
Brief history:
bad relationship
quit drinking
assault
car accident
5 jobs five years
losing my home

I am just at a loss what to do with my place. I have a low cash offer that can be processed through a short sale or hunker down and ride out the foreclosure, which after 7 months the bank has not done a thing legally.. my credit was once over 800 and now lucky if its 550. On top of that there is a serious foundation issue that affecting my apartment, nothing is being done about that. It will not pass a home inspection in current status and the responsible parties (condo board and management co) are surely dragging their feet.

I tried real hard to keep up with my mortgage co, but they got nasty and demanding after I fell into default. Ive interviewed a number of lawyers, ok advice but none want to represent me. I have gotten a lot of misinformation on financial advice.

On the positive side, I have money (not paying the mortgage add up).
I am also decent with other debt, I had aggressively paid off all my other bills previous.

According to articles the right thing to do is help the courts and the banks by finding a short sale buyer.
This saves them time and money in court proceedings. It gets me out of the house with a shorter but semi defined schedule and the grand satisfaction of doing crooks good(?)

I took up smoking weed to ease back problems and migraines, but think I am just
self medicating traumatic experiences. So I finished what I had an sticking sober, free and clear.

  Some days I think of packing a bag a taking a walk with the dog and not returning.

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yikes ec, lots of tough stuff going on for you. glad you stopped by. good for you for seeing a therapist and staying sober! those kinds of decisions can be hard in the short term but way better in the long term! what other things can you or do you do for yourself that are healthy and positive? when we're most stressed out we need the most self-care.

i wish i could offer great advice about how to deal with your house but i don't know anything about those kinds of situations. i can offer an understanding of the whole 'when it rains, it pours' phenomenon and i'm always happy to listen.

in keeping with the name of this thread i've decided to make some positive, manageable goals for myself this week. i've been feeling good about eating nutritious, "safe" foods in "safe" amounts, even if it means eating bits here and there throughout the day instead of sitting down to a solid lunch and dinner. So, I am going to try and maintain that method but challenge myself to eat at least two different food groups at meals--like vegetables and beans or veggies and whole wheat pita or fruit and nuts.

What's everybody else going to do this week to take care of themselves and/or further their recovery, from whatever that may be?

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in keeping with the name of this thread i've decided to make some positive, manageable goals for myself this week. i've been feeling good about eating nutritious, "safe" foods in "safe" amounts, even if it means eating bits here and there throughout the day instead of sitting down to a solid lunch and dinner. So, I am going to try and maintain that method but challenge myself to eat at least two different food groups at meals--like vegetables and beans or veggies and whole wheat pita or fruit and nuts.

What's everybody else going to do this week to take care of themselves and/or further their recovery, from whatever that may be?

I'm doing something similar. Yesterday I just felt totally shitty - and not in the way I usually do. I felt so...weak. Tired. Achy. I looked at myself in the mirror and was almost shocked at how skinny I looked. So I decided yesterday to take it easier on the exercise. I'm not feeling like that so much today, so I am exercising more than I should be. I actually feel heavy today, and in the back of my mind I feel like whatever positive I did yesterday was a "mistake," while I consciously know that is not true. I mean, it's not possible to gain weight and get heavier in one day. Also, I have been adding around 50 more calories to my daily intake, which doesn't sound like a lot, but it sure as hell feels like a lot, and makes me really uncomfortable whenever I eat that additional food. But I deal.

And one more thing...I was looking up online about people who have recovered from anorexia who had to be put in treamtment centres...it seems like generally they had to start consuming a lot of calories (upwards of 2000 a day) to even start gaining weight. Even going from something around what I consume (500 a day), to something around 1200 to 1500 there was supposedly no weight gain, even with no exercise. So...this gives me a little hope that I might be able to increase calories yet...

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i have been coming back to the realization this bulimia shit is taking up my time, my life, my money, my health, my spirituality... i have a lot of "unsafe" food in the house that can spoil if not eaten... my game plan is to eat some, freeze some, and sell some as lunches to coworkers... then i really want to get back into making myself better... eating my "safe" foods at first, letting my body get used to it, and then eating more normally, baby step by baby step...

i am glad to hear you girls and boys are realizing there is a problem and making solid steps to change it... thank you for helping me realize i need to start trying... instead of being in zombie mode

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I'm onvacation. I left my antidepressants at home, but my family shipped them out to my hotel in vegas. I've been without for three days and I feel like shit. Splitting headache, nausea, body tremors. Not cool. There's really nothing I can do until this afternoon when I finally get them. Bleh. I feel like a zombie.

We went to six flags yesterday. By the time we walked to the front gate my blood sugar was stupid low and I had to eat a whole bag of skittles to get it to come back up. I was the only one in our group eating. I hate that. Then when dinner came around my friend's dad said I should be less hungry than everyone else since I had a whole bag of skittles. I felt like more crap.

I didn't bring my blade on this trip. I've never felt so vulnerable. I find that I really wish I had brought it, even if I didn't use it.

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well courth,

i can say that i am happy in a way you don't have your blade and looking back, you will be too... if you already feel loopy then you probably won't make the best choices, ya know? <3

i'm sorry your friends dad said that to you, i wish you would have invited me along just so i could dropkick his ballsack as hard as a possibly can... how does he know if your hungry or not? it just pisses me off that us women are never or should never be hungry... total bs

i hope you get your meds soon and enjoy the rest of your trip <3

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I like this thread, thanks for creating CW.

Has anyone tried emotional freedom technique (EFT)? Also called "tapping." Link below....

The reason I ask is that for years I tried to quit smoking. Tried everything - patches, gums, pills, hypnosis, books, etc. Mar 2010 I also started doing acupressure on many pts related to addiction and smoking/respitory system and lung health, etc.

Was still using a good book, acupressure and hypnois but also still tortured with the addition to smoking, when last Oct. I came across the video below (well similar vid by same guy but specifically targeting smoking). I liked the sound of the guy's voice (find it soothing) and background music and it seemed like an interesting therapy. So on Oct 4th I did this session in the video repeatedly, for many hours per day, 3 days in a row. After 3 days I was like, "hmph, it doesn't work...." But I noticed I was very relaxed with my smoking and I was VERY accepting of the fact that I would probably smoke till it kills me - like it has killed many family memebers, incl my dad.

Then 3 days later BAM I quit smoking after 15 years and never looked back; haven't had one and barely craved one since; and am very grateful to be a non smoker. I wanted to share it to get ideas or perhaps cause someone to have a look at it for things plaguing you. Warning it could be just voodoo science, and I am not saying there is a 1:1 relationship with my quitting and EFT. I was just tossing it out for consideration/conversation.

Peace and enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3hy3P0W2BU

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I like this thread, thanks for creating CW.

Has anyone tried emotional freedom technique (EFT)? Also called "tapping." Link below....

The reason I ask is that for years I tried to quit smoking. Tried everything - patches, gums, pills, hypnosis, books, etc. Mar 2010 I also started doing acupressure on many pts related to addiction and smoking/respitory system and lung health, etc.

Was still using a good book, acupressure and hypnois but also still tortured with the addition to smoking, when last Oct. I came across the video below (well similar vid by same guy but specifically targeting smoking). I liked the sound of the guy's voice (find it soothing) and background music and it seemed like an interesting therapy. So on Oct 4th I did this session in the video repeatedly, for many hours per day, 3 days in a row. After 3 days I was like, "hmph, it doesn't work...." But I noticed I was very relaxed with my smoking and I was VERY accepting of the fact that I would probably smoke till it kills me - like it has killed many family memebers, incl my dad.

Then 3 days later BAM I quit smoking after 15 years and never looked back; haven't had one and barely craved one since; and am very grateful to be a non smoker. I wanted to share it to get ideas or perhaps cause someone to have a look at it for things plaguing you. Warning it could be just voodoo science, and I am not saying there is a 1:1 relationship with my quitting and EFT. I was just tossing it out for consideration/conversation.

Peace and enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3hy3P0W2BU

Actually, I have done EFT, and I think it works really well! I did that a lot when I was feeling good a couple of months ago when I was seeing my old counselor. I kind of forgot about it...perhaps I should start doing it again when I start feeling anxious...it could be a good supplement to my yoga and meditation. Thanks for reminding me of this!

I've been sticking with eating a tiny bit more every day for the past few days, and cut back on exercise a little today. I'm forcing myself to get out and about again (something I'm going to have to live with pretty soon once the new semester starts up...). I'm feeling a little anxious, but I've felt worse. Hope everyone else is feeling well.

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i had an ED counselor do strange "outer body" techniques with me... the whole "visualizing yourself chewing and enjoying every morsel" type of thing... i thought it was bizarre and didn't work for me...

i've done hypnosis once and i can tell you, that shit works... i only did it once tho (not covered by insurance) for public speaking fears my senior year of college... i wish i could have afforded to do it more... i ended up taking a bunch of xanax to get through speeches, which numbed me enough to get through them...

unfortunately, after my ex left i had so much anxiety i went to the xanax and now i have to take a small dosage (.25 mg: 1/4 a bar) to not freak out... now i have another thing i need to break...

danni glad to hear you're still persevering <3 you rock!

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I'm onvacation. I left my antidepressants at home, but my family shipped them out to my hotel in vegas. I've been without for three days and I feel like shit. Splitting headache, nausea, body tremors. Not cool. There's really nothing I can do until this afternoon when I finally get them. Bleh. I feel like a zombie.

We went to six flags yesterday. By the time we walked to the front gate my blood sugar was stupid low and I had to eat a whole bag of skittles to get it to come back up. I was the only one in our group eating. I hate that. Then when dinner came around my friend's dad said I should be less hungry than everyone else since I had a whole bag of skittles. I felt like more crap.

I didn't bring my blade on this trip. I've never felt so vulnerable. I find that I really wish I had brought it, even if I didn't use it.

omg, i hope you're feeling better today--there have only been a couple times that i have been unable to take my antidepressants and I had a similar reaction. it's scary and it really sucks and sucks more until you get it back again...definitely convinced me i will not be taking myself off meds without a doctor at any point! and yeah, anyway you cut it your friend's dad has no way to know whether or not you're hungry and how much etc. sounds kinda like a lame-ass--i mean, why make the comment anyway?  i think eating the skittles sounds like good self-care, and i hope you were able to eat what you were hungry for at dinner because skittles are a treat that shouldn't limit your next meal.
are you enjoying your vacation now that you have your meds and have hopefully smacked some sense into that guy?

I've been sticking with eating a tiny bit more every day for the past few days, and cut back on exercise a little today. I'm forcing myself to get out and about again (something I'm going to have to live with pretty soon once the new semester starts up...). I'm feeling a little anxious, but I've felt worse. Hope everyone else is feeling well.

all awesome! each little change adds up and in my experience the anxiety does lessen eventually. go dannibazaar!!

i have been coming back to the realization this bulimia shit is taking up my time, my life, my money, my health, my spirituality... i have a lot of "unsafe" food in the house that can spoil if not eaten... my game plan is to eat some, freeze some, and sell some as lunches to coworkers... then i really want to get back into making myself better... eating my "safe" foods at first, letting my body get used to it, and then eating more normally, baby step by baby step...

i am glad to hear you girls and boys are realizing there is a problem and making solid steps to change it... thank you for helping me realize i need to start trying... instead of being in zombie mode

bulimia is a total life-sucker--it really will never do anything to give you a harmonious, fullfilling and loving life. sometimes i cling to it more and sometimes i'm mad at it...it's great that you're recognizing how at odds it is with your goals. i need to remind myself frequently of that.
if you have so many "unsafe" foods around that it's overwhelming to deal with you could also toss them. i know it feels wasteful, but it's better than feeling like you're setting up for ed behaviors. but i like your plan for eating a manageable amount and then freezing or giving away the rest. sounds like you've got things covered!

:) :) :) best wishes everyone!

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I hope all of you are having a good week and finding some peace in your lives.  I have not visited this thread in some time for personal reasons but I do think about you guys and wonder how you are doing, if you are struggling and hanging in there as I have been.  Sometimes battling addictions and/or illness is a lonely road.

I wanted to share about this amazing person I met though.  In December 2009 I was at my very worst point of relapse for anorexia, but I had just begun to turn toward recovery and rebuild my life.  I was still working out at the fitness center all the time despite my health being poor.  I met an older man who I saw often on the machines at the center.  We started to talk to each other, first acquaintance, but then got in to deeper conversations as time went on.  This man was struggling with heart trouble and high cholesterol and was trying to lose weight.  One day I told him about my struggle to gain weight and my eating disorder and he made a comment "I wish I had your problem."  This is a common thing for people to say who do not understand eating disorders.  Instead of jumping down his throat, I began to educate him compassionately about anorexia and about the dangers of being underweight.  I too had heart problems due to losing muscle mass (the heart is a muscle too).  He really listened and then even apologized for his ignorance.  From that point on he would encourage me in my efforts and he would tell me to lay off those machines when I wasnt making progress.  This man has an incredible heart, a soft spot within his rough exterior.  He is a Vietnam vet, has told me horror stories about war, and instead of it making him a bitter man, it has made him more compassionate towards people and appreciative about the reverence for life.  I only recently discovered through a friend of his at the Center that he was a medic in Vietnam.  So I asked him about it, and he told me a few stories about saving enemy lives in combat.  Because the "enemy" were just human beings like us trying to survive and thrown into fighting a war.  He sobbed as he told me about not being able to save fellow soldiers in the field.  We cried together.  Right there at the fitness center.  Wednesday was exactly 40 years since he left that war and came home, and he still gets emotional as the day it happened.  All this hell he went through, all the crap he must carry around inside him, and yet every time he sees me he smiles and asks how I am.  he genuinely cares about me as a human being.  Had I never opened up to him or talked to him I would have assumed he was just another person judging my body.  You just never know what is going on inside a person til you get to know them.  I am fortunate to have that kind of love and support in my recovery efforts, someone who accepts me the way I am.  And to know a person with such compassion who has had such a hard hard life and somehow came through it.  It gives me hope for mankind. 

I have managed to gain a few lbs but I am really struggling with it.  It has caused me to withdraw from everyone, to obsess more and more about my body and about food and menus and control.  I just feel such horrendous guilt.  Always there is that guilt that sits inside me.  I will be starting college on August 22nd (my fourth attempt over a 20 year period) and I do NOT want this d$@%$ disorder to sabatoge my potential to finally finish school.  I have fought too long and hard.  I have forgotten about small goals.  I think I am going to join some of you in taking time out to meditate each day.  I keep talking about doing this but then forget.  Sometimes riding my bike to work early in the morning is meditative.  I saw two deer and a fawn on the way this morning.  It's quiet in some areas, peaceful.  I can live in the moment for a short time. 

Keep trying guys!  I wont be on here for a while as my Dad is coming up from Ohio to visit for a few days.  I havent seen him in a year.  I'm going to try not to think about the guilt inside me.  I am going to really try to just enjoy our time together.  Have a great weekend! 

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NB--good to hear from you again  :) That guy does sound like an incredible person, I'm glad you met him. Congratulations on your gain--it's really hard i know but your body is thanking you. I'm proud of you! I know you struggle very deeply with guilt, even though you are such a kind, sincere and thoughtful person who doesn't deserve it. Good luck starting school. It took me a few times too, but now I have only two classes left. You can do it! And we're here to remind you when you feel like you can't.

Just wondering, does anyone here have a trauma history that they struggle with? You don't have to share specifics (unless you want to) I'm just wondering what others deal with in terms of the kind of "side effects" of trauma and how you manage it daily. My therapist recently dubbed my early experiences "covert trauma" and I later had an overt trauma experience that I haven't shared with her yet. So, at 26 I still have frequent nightmares and often wake up feeling as though I've had a panic attack in my sleep. In the last two years it prevented me from going to work but I've been much better about it lately. Still, until she said it I never really thought of myself as someone who has had a real trauma.

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Just wondering, does anyone here have a trauma history that they struggle with? You don't have to share specifics (unless you want to) I'm just wondering what others deal with in terms of the kind of "side effects" of trauma and how you manage it daily. My therapist recently dubbed my early experiences "covert trauma" and I later had an overt trauma experience that I haven't shared with her yet. So, at 26 I still have frequent nightmares and often wake up feeling as though I've had a panic attack in my sleep. In the last two years it prevented me from going to work but I've been much better about it lately. Still, until she said it I never really thought of myself as someone who has had a real trauma.

can you specify in general what kind of trauma you're referring to?

i used to have panic attacks in my sleep but that's when i was doing a lot of ecstasy... i still get them if i nap on occasion

NB i really agree with this statement:

I'm proud of you! I know you struggle very deeply with guilt, even though you are such a kind, sincere and thoughtful person who doesn't deserve it.

you are a real gem, seriously... i love reading your replies and love how wonderfully you are able to put your thoughts together so eloquently <3 you will do great in school, i know it!

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