Positive Action, Self-Harm Prevention, and Recovery Club!
Welcome!
This is a space for VWers of all walks of life to come and share their experiences as We work toward recovery from self-destructive behaviours, such as eating disorders, substance abuse, and self-injury.
Of course, this thread can't replace the help of medical professionals, but I think a lot of Us would benefit from this little bit of therapy. YOU set goals for Yourself, share Your progress (and setbacks, when/if they happen), and We'll all be here to cheer You on!
This is also a place where You can come when You're tempted to do something self-destructive (like self-injure, binge/purge, get drunk, etc.) and You need some distraction. Even if no one else is online, come and vent and just type away/post pictures/whatever instead of engaging in harmful activity.
Don't be ashamed if You're struggling with meeting Your goals or keeping Yourself out of the cycle of self-harm.... We've all been there, and this isn't a place for judgment. But be ready for advice and maybe even some tough love--We want to see everyone through their struggles, but it's important that We all remain open to absolute honesty and constructive criticism.
So if You're new to this discussion, feel free to share some information about Yourself--however much/little You want--and tell Us what exactly You want to change. We'll help You set up some goals, p'raps give some advice on how to work on them, and cheer You on as You work toward self-betterment.
;)b
How's everyone doing? I'm back from Greece. While it was totally amazing and beautiful, I felt extremely stressed almost the entire time, and I ended up harming. : (
I don't feel any better about myself than I did before, and my urges aren't going away even with my upped medication. I also feel inexplicably anxious all the time.
I hope you all are doing well.
PS- I updated both my facebook and blog with pictures and info from Greece.
awwww courth <3 at least you know you wanna stop right? i can see how doing something out of the norm would make me anxious as well as i kinda like to have control and a plan for my day and stuffs... i feel ya
me ED alright, life shitty... but both are getting better... my plan for this week: not b/ping tomorrow and hitting the gym after work... i would also like to cut down on drinking a bit... but shit, one thing at a time... also i plan on going to church at least twice this week as it lightens my spirits
how was your trip overall courth? it seemed like you had fun
@courth: that's too bad to hear that you felt anxious :\ but it is good that you want to quit harmful behaviours...have you ever tried yoga and meditation to reduce your anxiety? it may sound silly, but since i've started, i've noticed that i am much less anxious and have even stopped some bad habitual patterns (i don't purge the food i eat anymore!)
@amy: good sounding plans! all you can really do is take things slowly. in a book i'm reading right now called Ruling Your World, the author writes something about a 10% plan. in it, you make just one little step towards a positive goal. eventually all of your positive steps will accumulate and pay off, rather than just trying a complete overhaul of a bad habit. that's kind of what i am doing right now. but do whatever reduces your anxieties and moves you toward a more positive and healthful state :)
as for me...i have not yet been able to up my calorie intake, but i have been altering the times i've been eating, which for me feels like a big step. i am no longer waiting until the end of the day to consume my miniscule number of calories...i am eating throughout the day. not eating a lot, but eating all the same. and without purging anything back up. honestly, i haven't even had the urge to. my goal is to maybe add 50 calories to my daily intake. i would also like to try to reduce the amount i exercise as it is still at an excessive and obsessive amount. exercise and food for me both trigger major anxiety.
Courth,
I too could see how visiting a foreign country alone would be stressful enough, let alone dealing with personal issues and trying to make it all work. Hats off to you for going anyway and for at least trying! I think healing takes a very long time and is not a straight path going up. There are lots of ups and downs along the way and sometimes relapses.
In some ways I have been doing better. I have not done any self cutting in some time. But in other ways I have gotten worse. I can not deny it anymore because others have been making comments right and left. It shocks me because I cant see myself the way they do. I don't want to say too much more about it here to avoid triggering. I am just very frustrated with myself and getting more preoccupied and depressed.
I did eat out with my sister last night which was really hard. I had gone to visit her expecting to come home to my planned meal afterwards. But she wanted to eat out. I don't go out much. My sister was being so kind and she needed me and I couldn't say no so I tried to shut that voice in me up and went out with her. And I got her to try a vegan dish! That was amazing. I never thought I would see the day my sister ate tofu. lol. But all the while that voice in my head was screaming at me and I felt so awful I couldnt hide it and I confessed to my sister in tears that I was really struggling with having eaten the meal. I didnt want her to think I was withdrawn and preoccupied because of anything she did or said. She said she was really worried about me but she wasn't judgemental. She felt bad because she had made so many negative comments about her own body throughout the evening and she was afraid it rubbed off on me (it didnt). It's hard for me to even talk about my struggle with anyone close because I fear being forced to do something or punished and I feel guilty as hell. Guilt is a huge part of my life. It sits in me and eats at my soul every day. I have been working with my therapist on it but it never seems to go away or get better.
I'm really sorry for sharing something not so positive. I'm glad this thread was reopened though. Ive been wondering how you guys are doing too.
amymylove,
I wish you the best with your goals! You are right, one thing at a time. :)
dannibazaar,
I was just about to hit the post button when your post popped up. Hey, small steps are a good start. I hear ya with the anxiety. I need to try some mediation myself.
I have to get this off my chest now or I will go crazy. Why is it that so often I post and no one posts after me or my posts are ignored? It seems this way a lot for me on Vegweb and I dont know if I am doing or saying something offensive or what. I know that I dont post much or reply to others a whole lot on Vegweb. I just don't have a lot of extra time to spend on forums (and admittedly I have a hard time with social stuff) but I do make an effort when I can. I think I may be hypersensitive but I just want to make sure I am not offending anyone or being rude.
Vw just seems to be like that. It's not anything personal, at least I don't think it is. I kill threads all the time. It does take a little bit of time where you post a lot before most people seem comfortable responding to a new user. We still love you!
Thanks Courth! I still love you guys too! :)>>>
Thanks Courth! I still love you guys too! :)>>>
ya i wouldn't take it personal! i'm just reading this... and i always read every word of what you say... and sometimes it is so elegantly put idk how to respond but i'm here!
thank you all for your kind words... today began with good intentions but i did b/p once... there is always tomorrow and i feel like me just thinking about it (instead of just being a zombie going through the daily routine) is better than nothing...
nb, i think eating out is such a struggle too so you are not alone... i think it's that planning/ control aspect of all of it
danni, i am glad you are working towards getting better, that makes me very happy :)
right now i am just working on being a better person, overall... i am trying to treat everyone in my life nicely (golden rule), i am trying to get along with coworkers i want to punch quite frankly and making good steps... i am also teaching myself to budget my money so i don't run out before i get paid... i dunno and yes the ED of course needs to be put in check as well
Here's a question for everyone: who do you have helping you with your issues? A doctor, a therapist? Do any of your friends and family know, and if they do, are they supportive?
I'm seeing a psychiatrist once a month for my medication, and once the school year starts she wants me to see a therapist. None of my friends/family know. My parents knew about my cutting when I was 14, and they tried to guilt trip me and make it about themselves. They assume that I've grown out of it I guess.
Here's a question for everyone: who do you have helping you with your issues? A doctor, a therapist? Do any of your friends and family know, and if they do, are they supportive?
I'm seeing a psychiatrist once a month for my medication, and once the school year starts she wants me to see a therapist. None of my friends/family know. My parents knew about my cutting when I was 14, and they tried to guilt trip me and make it about themselves. They assume that I've grown out of it I guess.
I used to see a therapist at my old college, but now that I'm attending a larger, different University I'm not anymore. There are times when I really wish I was still seeing my consular. At times, my meditation group is my support. They don't know about my issues, but they get me in a positive mindset. My mum definitely knows about my problems, and she is the only person I discuss them with. As for my sister, she knows but I avoid talking about it to her...I guess you could say that I am afraid that if I talk to her about it, she would be more likely to emulate my destructive behaviours. My dad can probably tell that I have eating issues and stuff, but I never talk to him about everything...we don't get along. My grandma and grandfather (maternal) both probably know, but don't directly say anything about my eating disorder, but would always be there if I needed them
Here's a question for everyone: who do you have helping you with your issues? A doctor, a therapist? Do any of your friends and family know, and if they do, are they supportive?
"who do you have helping you with your issues?" Nobody... I have seen counselors but they never helped much... seems to make things worse cause i feel so pressured :/ but that's just me, everyone is different... i have to be in the right mindset and go at it alone
"Do any of your friends and family know, and if they do, are they supportive?" I would be careful telling friends... seriously cause friends seem to come and go and i've told "best friends" who are now not my friends... idk be careful... some family members know: bro, sis, gma... other family members knew i had one but i don't know if they know i still do... family members are supportive... gma probably the most in me getting better, bro and sis just kinda know i'm doing it but don't say much... my sis b/p's too but not often maybe a couple times a month if she eats way too much... i thankfully talked her out of it before she got in too deep
"who do you have helping you with your issues?"
I see a doctor and therapist on a regular basis, however, I lost my health insurance from April until September (job changes) so I have only been able to see both of them once a month now on a sliding fee scale.
"Do any of your friends and family know, and if they do, are they supportive?" Everyone in my life practically knows...family, friends, church, work. I was very very ill for a long time and it was quite visible. I faced many confrontations. I went through numerous intensive eating disorder treatments and hospitalizations as well as a Celebrate Recovery program through church and an eating disorder anonymous program and even used Alcoholics Anonymous to get help when nothing else worked (I am also a long term recoverying alcoholic). So there is no secret. However, only a select few family and friends know about my cutting. In general people are supportive but eating disorders are difficult to understand (and harder to overcome) and I still face major triggers constantly from family and friends that unknowingly say certain things. Society in general and even some vegan communities perpetuate all kinds of triggers though so it's something I will need to come to accept and not internalize. I am very fortunate because I have been in treatments with people who had little support and even who had family members make them feel horrible and I can not imagine trying to heal in that kind of environment. I have had fights with parents over my disorder and choice of treatment (at my age it gets harder to have others force and dictate your choices for you but sometimes it becomes necessary when they see you deteriorate and you are in danger of serious self harm and legally your doctor can still commit you) but overall they were just trying to help. Right now I don't have a lot of support but then the nature of my illness is to withdraw and become more secretive and protective of it when I am stressed and feeling a certain way. Asking for help or making my struggles known becomes much much harder because it means giving up some control issues. I am skating around in this area right now and what makes it harder is that I have become vegan since last winter but I don't want that to be associated with me not doing as well with recovery lately. It seems to be the first thing people blame for any ills in my life. Sighs...
I literally can't stop thinking about it. I've been down all day and I can't make the thoughts stop.
So I gave in. They were only tiny and barely bled at all. I still feel bad, and like a big failure. I keep trying, but at times I can't even remember why I wanted to stop in the first place.
So I gave in. They were only tiny and barely bled at all. I still feel bad, and like a big failure. I keep trying, but at times I can't even remember why I wanted to stop in the first place.
i used to cut... i just hated myself so much sometimes i wanted to hurt myself... i almost did when my ex left me, but i remembered how long it took the scars to fade (i cut when i was like 14 or 15)... i hope you can find something else that will able you to let your frustration out... i'll keep you in my prayers... you are such an amazing person... don't forget that little luvie <3
How is everyone doing?
I'm having my ups and downs. Right now I'm in a down, but I blame it on being tired. I think I'm finally on the right drug cocktail, and the rest is up to me. Sometime I just feel so weak. Tonight someone sent me the link to the video for Fuckin' Perfect by Pink, and there's a scene where a girl is cutting herself in the bathtub. Now it's all I can think about. I might not get to sleep tonight.
Sometimes when I test my blood sugar it makes me want to cut myself so I can have more blood, as gross as I know it sounds.
i'm sorry your still struggling courth but try to hang in there...
i'm glad you found meds that have been helping... you are such a wonderful, beautiful, kind, smart, and caring person you don't need to hurt yourself, you def do not deserve it sweetie...
that video kinda hit me a little too when i watched it... maybe just don't watch it again or think of the end where the girl got her life where she wanted it to be and realized she was the perfect i dunno "her" (and scored a hot dude!)
<3
I feel terrible right now. I just hate myself so much. I'm worthless.
I can't even relax. Every time I try, all I can think about is cutting. I'm super close to just giving in.
I feel terrible right now. I just hate myself so much. I'm worthless.
I can't even relax. Every time I try, all I can think about is cutting. I'm super close to just giving in.
courth! don't! we all love you here! how is it going with the counseling and such? it's late here in cali so it's gotta be late where you are! go to sleep pronto <3
I'm not in counseling, per se. I see a psychiatrist for a monthly check and to get my meds. She wants me to start therapy when the school year starts. That way I can use the on-campus services.
I can't go to sleep. Every time I close my eyes I can't make the thoughts stop. I just want to harm so bad right now. I can't escape the thoughts and urges. It sucks.
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