A question of etiquette
Posted by Anonymous on Aug 04, 2007 · Member since Dec 1969 · 11789 posts
If someone wants to treat you to something but you said "No thank you" and you made your wishes totally clear and the other party still wanted to. Who should respect who? >:( >:( >:(
My reasons for not wanting is
1. They don't work to give away free stuff. I do feel for them.
2. I know that some people have their own impressions of other people like their mind is made up.
That some people think of you of some poor pauper. Now nobody has ever said that to my
face but they can think of you as that without you asking for anything. Not that I asked for
anything I would never do that I think that is so bad mannered.
3. And I wanted my wishes respected.
Your opinions please.
I think they should've respected your feelings when you said "no thank you".
I think it depends on what they're offering and whether you want it. If someone offered me something expensive like a new TV, I'd say no - because it's too expensive and I don't want a TV. If someone offered me an apple, I'd say yes - because it's just an apple and I'd like an apple (right now, in fact).
Some people like to give. It's like a gift you give them to accept their offering with appreciation (but without overdoing it). However, some people have shopping disorders where they can't stop spending money, so they justify it by spending it on someone else. I'd say no to those people.
If they are giving you something because they think you're poor and may like or need what they're offering, it's someone who has taken the time to know your circumstances and care about you and know what you might like. Whether or not you accept things from these people, it's always nice to have people around you that notice and care about your well-being.
In some communities, propiety demands that you're not allowed to accept something that's offered immediately. You have to be offered it several times before you're allowed to accept it. So, if these people are from one of those places, they're just following the social dance they're familiar with. If they don't stop asking, explain to whoever that you don't see yourself using it and you don't want it to go to waste. They should accept your wishes, but some people are hardwired to be pushy.
yeah i think it depends on what it is....
a free dental cleaning? accept!
since i'm not sure what it is it's hard to give an opinion...
even if they insist you can take the item (if it's an item) and donate it somewhere... yes that's a pain... but it might be better than getting in an argument.... again, it's hard to say not knowing what it is...
Sometimes that "treat" is a way of saying "I love you/care about you." In that case, acceptance of the gift honors the giver, and rejection may damage the friendship.
The day I got married my MIL offered me her medallion of the BVM. Not being Catholic, I thanked her and turned it down. I didn't realise I had hurt her terribly. If I had accepted it, worn it that day, and put it away in a drawer, I think we would have got along a LOT better and saved a lot of hassles.
As others have said, it depends on the treat. If it's food, and youi're on a strict diet, say--then don't back down. If it's a small thing, accept. If it's someone trying to be very "magnanimous" and pauperising you as a way of showing off....that's another story.
one of my old friends would ALWAYS buy me things. she worked at victoria's secret, so i would always get undies and things, and whenever she saw something that reminded her of me, she would get it. it kind of made me feel guilty because i wouldn't think to do the same, i don't buy many gifts, and when i do they tend to be very small.
when we finally talked about it i realized that's just how she expresses affection. materialistic? yes. but by no means a method of showing off.
maybe your friend is like this
No thank you means no thank you. They should respect your decision. I sympathize with you as I have family members that think because I am a single mom with an ex that only occasionally pays his child support that I must be destitute. I am not, I do quite well for myself and my daughter. On one hand, I appreciate their misplaced concern. On the other hand, I find it insulting that they think I need help. It's a difficult situation to be in. You don't want to offend anyone, but you don't want them to offend you either. The bottom line is: you should only have to say no once.
I think you just need to make it clear that you'd feel uncomfortable accepting whatever it is from someone. They may feel like you are trying to be polite by declining - we all know the kind of person who says, "Oh no, I couldn't, I'm on a diet!" when offered a biscuit, but when pressed will accept because that's really what they want. Once you make it clear, I can't see that there'd be much of a problem, but unfortunately lots of people seem to decline something once purely for the form of it.
It depends on the context. If you're out to lunch or dinner, and the check comes. The person with you says "my treat." You can say, no please allow me to pay for my half (or all). Then, they say "no, my treat" again. At this point, it is extremely bad etiquette to fight over the check. And you should just say "thank you" and let it go.
If they want to buy you something expensive, then it's totally within your right to refuse. And they should respect this.
Really it was a small matter.You know I acknowledge their kindness very much but it just makes me feel 2 inches tall that's another reason as well.
A no thank you means a no thank you exactly.
I'm with the others...I think it very much depends on WHAT it was and the situation. If you're seeing whatever they offer as charity, and you feel insulted or ashamed of receiving charity, then you may need to change your attitude. Without knowing the exact situation, I would say that you should accept the gift...even if it embarrasses you. Then write them a nice thank you note/letter. To refuse the gift is typically more rude than to accept it. And receiving charity isn't something you should feel ashamed of, if you aren't taking advantage of others in doing so. We all need charity (in some form or another) at some point. Accept the kindness of others with grace and be grateful for what you have.
That being said, I understand how being treated can make someone uncomfortable. I was, at one point, very friendly with a very wealthy couple. They used to invite me to dinner at extremely expensive restaurants, and then pay for me. This made me uncomfortable because I'm not poor, and they aren't my parents...It felt demeaning, even if that wasn't their intent. I would accept, but each time we went out, I would let them know (that if we went to a more reasonable priced place) I would be happy to pay for them, as a thank you for treating me.
Maybe you could accept whatever it is...then do something nice for them in return. That way, it isn't charity.
I think it depends on what they're offering and whether you want it. If someone offered me something expensive like a new TV, I'd say no - because it's too expensive and I don't want a TV. If someone offered me an apple, I'd say yes - because it's just an apple and I'd like an apple (right now, in fact).
--i'd be weary of anyone who offered me an apple, especially if it was a really round, shiny, perfectly beautiful apple...
i'm just saying...
;)
cm - I genuinely giggled. ;D Thanks!
I was, at one point, very friendly with a very wealthy couple. They used to invite me to dinner at extremely expensive restaurants, and then pay for me. This made me uncomfortable because I'm not poor, and they aren't my parents...It felt demeaning, even if that wasn't their intent. I would accept, but each time we went out, I would let them know (that if we went to a more reasonable priced place) I would be happy to pay for them, as a thank you for treating me.
Ah ha... but THEY invited you, and becuz of that it is their choice where to go (and courteously pay!)
If you feel very uncomfortable you can always decline the invitation...
And in the future extend your own invitation first and then you decide where to go and have the choice to pay.
Personally, if I insist on a certain place due to diet (or just taste) I usually pay for my friends as they did not choose, I don't assume they couldn't pay... just that it was my choice and what if they had been wanting to be frugal?