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Open letters

Seeing as we've got confessions and problems and issues springing up in threads all over the shop, I thought it might be interesting to have an open letter thread. Cathartic, perhaps. From your mother ruining your wedding, to your boyfriend who can't stop peeing on the toilet seat, or even that guy on the bus who kept making that annoying noise with his mouth, get it out here.

I'll get the ball rolling.

To my dear darling boyfriend,

Just because you are technically 'clean' when you come out the shower, it doesn't mean that I am okay with using the same towel you've been rubbing all over yourself for a month. I know you have others. I bought you two myself. Drag them out from the murky depths of the laundry basket, wash them and allow me the temporary use of a clean one.

Love, Cat

Dear Baby Squirrels,

Thank you for mustering up your concentration to jump to different tree limbs and then only catch the limb with your front legs and have to scramble up.  You are cute.

Sincerely,
Window Watcher

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dear awesome thunderstorm,

don't go away!  come back!  i love the way you add dark rumbles to the workday; it's so mysterious!  so unexpected!

your biggest fan,
q.b.

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dear awesome thunderstorm,

don't go away!  come back!  i love the way you add dark rumbles to the workday; it's so mysterious!  so unexpected!

your biggest fan,
q.b.

And if you must leave Queen Bee, come to S. Spain. You know where I live, I can't wait to see, hear and feel you. Come and stay, as long as you like. :)>>>

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dear little bugs infesting my kitchen,

OK, I've tried to be nice, but seriously, now you're just pissing me off. In a few minutes, I'm going to walk to the store, buy some serious ammo (bleach spray and the like), and I'll be back to kill you all. And ftr, if I find you actually IN my food, oh damn, it is ON!!

ps: you're lucky you're small enough that I can't shoot you. Cause if you were bigger, I'd be all over it.

signed,

the crazy lady that actually PAYS to live in this disgusting apartment

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dear apartment god,

SERIOUSLY!!!? I am a good person, I do good work, I help people on a daily basis, and I make a difference in peoples lives. So why can't you bless me with a great place to live? It doesn't even need to be fancy. I just want to live in a place that isn't sliding off of the foundation, doesn't have spiders/beetles/lizard/mites, and where the carpet isn't older than I am. If the "Big One" hits, the northern side of our place is going to literally fall off, but you know that already. I'm not asking for much, I just want to be safe. So please, help a sister out.

signed,
a very frustrated pinkers

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Dear John Edwards,

So. You cheated on your wife when she was battling her breast cancer. You've officially lost every single bit of respect I've ever had for you. I hope you have an STD, and your penis falls off. Thank you for your time.

Signed,
pink

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to my dear bunny Scampi,

why did you all of a sudden decide to take up cord-chewing? You've been so good about not touching them throughout your 3 years of life so far. I was hoping to make you free-range at some point but not if you're going to wreck everything in sight. I like giving you freedom but not when I have to chase you away from things all the time! please take out your chomping on your slinky. I will give you more raisins if you're good.

signed,

your devoted slave

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Dear John Edwards,

So. You cheated on your wife when she was battling her breast cancer. You've officially lost every single bit of respect I've ever had for you. I hope you have an STD, and your penis falls off. Thank you for your time.

Signed,
pink

what???????????  :o

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Dear John Edwards,

So. You cheated on your wife when she was battling her breast cancer.

Wow.  Talk about adding insult to injury. >:(

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Dear National Enquirer,

You broke the John Edwards story and it's not being picked up by the major news agencies.  Please back it up if it's true.  Either you or JE is a scumbag.

Loathingly,
>:(

Edwards Admits Affair, Says Enquirer Was Right

In an interview with ABC's "Nightline" that airs tonight, Edwards admits he had a sexual affair with 44-year-old Rielle Hunter, but claims he did not love her.  Oh, okay, that's fine, then.

Mr. Edwards,

I hereby cease my support of you.

Signed,
Not a John Edwards Supporter

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Dear Co-worker Who Quit,

Your work is a mess and I don't miss you.

Good riddance,
Me

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Dear New KMK Apartment,

Thank you for being there for KMK.  She really needed to find a place quickly and you sound awesome!  Now please be in her budget with no problem and awesome neighbors.

Thanks,
~Happy Cali

Dear Pinker's Apartment,

Please cease sucking.  If you must be that bad, please find it in your heart to lower the rent or find her another place to live that is better, cheaper and in a better location.  She rocks, so should you.

Thanks,
~Distressed Cali

Dear Scampi,

Stop chewing cords.  Your slave does not want you to kill yourself or replace every electronic device in the home.

Thanks,
~Frightened Cali

Dear BP's Lungs,

Get better soon!

Love,
~an avid BP fan

Dear Open Letters,

Please continue to be entertaining and fun!  I appreciate something to read on my Friday afternoons!

Thanks so much!
~Cali

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Dear healthy body,

Why are you sick now? You've always been there for me, and I truly appreciate you. I don't understand why this sickness came on. I realize that it's just a cold, and maybe you need to build up some new, tough immunity, but nose, you are being very annoyweas. Please heal.

<3 Allison

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Dear Weas (P),

I know that you're not, but please don't be grossed out by my sickness and gassiness. I'm soweas.

Love you, Weasiepea

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Dearest Calimaryn (I hope I spelled that right),

You my dear friend, are amazing. I am so happy for you that you have your new house, and that you can occasionally work from home. I love how you truly care about us (your VW friends) and it means a lot to me that you always want the best for us. I am super excited for your upcoming surgery, and if finances and my situation allowed it, you know I'd be there in a heartbeat to assist you with your speedy recovery. I cannot wait til we meet IRL, til then, be well...

Signed,

pinks

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Dear BP fan,

thanks for the lung consern. i made cammers take me to the store to get drugs for it. its been a couple days and it wasn't getting better. i forgot how... strange... that stuff tastes. blah. at least i got some pizza in the deal.

heart,
bp

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Dear second sick holly plant,
WTF?
An avid black-thumbed gardener

Dear guy at UMD soil center,
Please figure out what's going on.
Love,
MDV

Dear grandmother,
Thank you for your Spanish fried 'chicken' recipe.  I think it's awesome that you're helping me veganize it. 
~T

Dear (other) grandmother,
While I respect your decision to get married and have children when you were 18 please understand that this is not for me.  When I comment that something a friend's child did was cute please stop misinterpreting this as a sign I secretly want children.  Also, it pissed me off that you said I have too many cats.  My house is cleaner than yours and you don't have pets.
~N

Dear Dad,
Thank you for the excellent advice about home stuff and credit card stuff.  You have such great ideas, I just wish you had a little more follow through.  You're pretty much the only thing I'll miss when I move.  Please reconsider moving to California.  Since you think the world is going to end in 2012 anyway, what do you have to lose?
~Mensa in training

Dear cats,
Thanks for being so awesome.  Even when I have a super-stressful day you can make me laugh.  Sorry about the claw trimming and furmination.
Love,
Mom

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dear cats,

to whoever decapitated mr. mouse and left its body in the middle of the livingroom, i have to say you did quite a fine job. i was planning on getting some no kill traps after DRs frantic call to me at work this morning but i guess one (or both?) of you have some mouser in you. i totally underestimated your ability to do anything other than eat, sleep, and snuggle. oh, and beg for treats and wet food. in the future, though, could you please inform me of said mouse so i can remove it before you make a big mess. this is why i buy you toys. please destroy those instead and no one gets hurt.

love,
momma

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Dear Cats of the mdv Household,

Thank you for your furry, stress-reducing awesomeness.

Love,
hh

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Dear Neighbors,

Why is it that you choose 11:40 PM for the time to be unbearably noisy? I know we have thin walls. You know we have thin walls. I do my part not to annoy you with my extremely loud music when your car is in it's parking space, so let's please cut the crap and do yours to keep your loud 7 year old and his neighbor buddies' max volume below my ear's reach when I have had 4 hours of sleep the night prior to this, and have just gotten home from a very loud metal show.

Hoping that you get better sleep than I know I will,
new teenage neighbor.

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Dear Brain Meds,
Please shake me out of this crap so I can start living again. But for fark's sake, do NOT screw up like you did last time.  I'm watching your every move.

love, but not really,
CW

Dear Pharmaceutical Industry,
I happen to know that you're filthy stinking rich because your profits are like, a million times what you spend on research, development, and advertising.  You sicken me.  I just spent $130 on a month's worth of meds that I really really need, AND it's a lower dose than I was on before...such necessities simply shouldn't cost so freaking much.

F*CK you guys,
disgruntled customer

Dear VWers I've already come to know and love,
I missed you all!  Thanks for being so awesome and making me feel at home here.

love,
CW

Dear VWers I've yet to "meet,"
Welcome!  I hope I'll be around more so we can get to know each other.

love,
CW

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