Making friends as we age.. (40+)
Posted by Trinket on Nov 22, 2008 · Member since Jul 2005 · 154 posts
I've met a few people who have mentioned the difficulty they have making new friends in their 40s, and I'm the type that though I can't relate, I at least want to be able to understand!
Is it really harder to make friends as we age?
and if so, why is that??
Where does one meet new friends when they're over 40?
Is it more men who struggle, or women as well?
???
I'm a hermit, so even the idea of making friends is a bit foreign to me. lol And I say "40s" but really any age beyond, I don't mean to single out those in their 40s, and I hope saying that hasn't offended anyone reading.
(Sorry if I did, things don't translate from my head to the keyboard very well for me)
I'm with hespy on this. At 20, even I'm struggling to make friends.
I'm in my late 30's and it is hard to make friends. It started being hard when I had children. Now, I am picky about who I'm friends with, plus I need friends that can deal with my crazy >:D self. I also am unwilling to be friends with people I cannot be myself around.
I'm in my late 30's and it is hard to make friends. It started being hard when I had children. Now, I am picky about who I'm friends with, plus I need friends that can deal with my crazy >:D self. I also am unwilling to be friends with people I cannot be myself around.
She is the devil, that's for sure....but I can put up with it! >:D 8-) <<<<Hoopy and Me
When I lived in FL I had NO friends......just one actually, that I met a couple years before I moved. The thing is, now that I do have some friends in NC, I find it really hard to find time for them! Schedules get busy and its hard to juggle everything. Now that I have friends, I don't have time to spend with them. But if I didn't have them, I would want friends. I guess its nice to know that someone besides my husband likes me. ::)
I'm in my 30s. The problem is that people get married, have kids, and get pulled into the routine of family life. My friends are mostly in their 20s because they're unmarried and have time for friends outside of the family unit. I find that single people of any age are more receptive to new friendships.
That too!!! I only know one person here thats my age and not married and doesnt have kids. but we don't have anything else in common. most of my coworkers got married in their early 20s and started making babies asap. i just dont get it. your 20s is supposed to be fun!! you just graduated college, have a job, have money, you can go out and have fun, go on vacations with your friends. its not time to make babies yet!! haha. not for me at least. because once you make babies, then your free time is gone.
I completely agree with you hiimkelsi! I sometimes feel bad about being 26, single and without child. But then I stop and realize, that is not even what I want. I always thought that if I were to have kids, I would wait after my 30s. I still feel like a teenager sometimes, I am not parent material yet. Besides, I like having fun and only having to take care of me.
Storm- No way you are 45! Based on your profile pic and your personality, I thought you were in your early 30s. Looking good darl, must be all those vegies!
;)
Wow, I am absolutely stunned that you guys struggle at all! Everyone here seems so nice, it's hard to believe you guys would have any difficulty making friends.
A lot of your posts make perfect sense, and I can understand how things like work and family, especially kids, take up most of our time (not just for those in search of friends, but those potential friends as well). Do we still want friends even when we have "no time" for them? Is that another reason for the stricter screening process? Not just the "games" and "drama" stuff, but our free time being too precious to spend frivolously?
I keep thinking how two people both searching for friends could be facing the same barriers. It seemed challenging enough thinking just one person with all that going on, but then taking into consideration that the other person has the same stuff to deal with too, it just makes it seem that much harder. Hmm.. I don't know. It seems unfortunate that such basic things in our every day lives become barriers.
What problems do you 20-somethings face? Most from what I've seen (that I relate to) is the conflict in maturity levels and a bit of the time thing as well.
I'm in my 30s. The problem is that people get married, have kids, and get pulled into the routine of family life. My friends are mostly in their 20s because they're unmarried and have time for friends outside of the family unit. I find that single people of any age are more receptive to new friendships.
That too!!! I only know one person here thats my age and not married and doesnt have kids. but we don't have anything else in common. most of my coworkers got married in their early 20s and started making babies asap. i just dont get it. your 20s is supposed to be fun!! you just graduated college, have a job, have money, you can go out and have fun, go on vacations with your friends. its not time to make babies yet!! haha. not for me at least. because once you make babies, then your free time is gone.
I completely agree with you hiimkelsi! I sometimes feel bad about being 26, single and without child. But then I stop and realize, that is not even what I want. I always thought that if I were to have kids, I would wait after my 30s. I still feel like a teenager sometimes, I am not parent material yet. Besides, I like having fun and only having to take care of me.
baby making time = 30. yes!
Wow, I am absolutely stunned that you guys struggle at all! Everyone here seems so nice, it's hard to believe you guys would have any difficulty making friends.
A lot of your posts make perfect sense, and I can understand how things like work and family, especially kids, take up most of our time (not just for those in search of friends, but those potential friends as well). Do we still want friends even when we have "no time" for them? Is that another reason for the stricter screening process? Not just the "games" and "drama" stuff, but our free time being too precious to spend frivolously?
I keep thinking how two people both searching for friends could be facing the same barriers. It seemed challenging enough thinking just one person with all that going on, but then taking into consideration that the other person has the same stuff to deal with too, it just makes it seem that much harder. Hmm.. I don't know. It seems unfortunate that such basic things in our every day lives become barriers.
What problems do you 20-somethings face? Most from what I've seen (that I relate to) is the conflict in maturity levels and a bit of the time thing as well.
with me, i've always been friends with people younger than me. thats probably why i had trouble making friends my first two years of college, there was no one there younger than me! and now that i'm an "adult" the people that i want to hang out with are still in college, not near me. ohwell.
I'm 23, in university, and struggle to make friends. I am not an introvert and do enjoy people, of all walks...I think it's just alot of people already have groups of friends and aren't really looking to invite people outside of that group to hang out, or do whatever it is that they do. It's hard to put yourself out there and try and make new friends because you don't want to look desperate or stupid, ya know? It can get frustrating and like someone else said, it takes a lot of hard work to make friends.
What I find as well, is that the more I go about my regular life alone, the more I don't really pay attention to making friends and trying to put myself out there. I currently live alone and am starting to find myself having more fun watching a movie in the bathtub with some wine than I would at a party with some cheap beer and people who will drunkenly attempt to tell me that being a feminist only means I haven't met the right guy yet....or something. It's kind of a dumb cycle.
And wow, sorry, that was a bit negative. Point is: it's very very hard to relate to people; to find someone to invest emotional-ness in and who will do the same for you. It takes some work.
At 25 I decided that the only person responsible for my happiness was me. I strove to learn what made me happy and keep me happy.
Now at 35, I know I have no patience for drama, lies, and those chronic "yes" people that never fulfill that yes. I would rather (and do) have two close friends than have a herd of the above mentioned types.
I think that finding friends at any age requires effort. You need to be open to people, friendly to strangers and willing to sift through the mud for that one gem of a friend. Make time for what makes you happy. You might like going to the theatre. You might like hanging out at the farmers market, or the health food store, or the library or bowling. Try new things. Be open. Be honest.
I always figure that if you are doing that, people will flock to you to be your friend.
i guess you could say maturity level? my friends do tend to be older than me, but i am pretty sure i just suck at making friends. i am very awkward socially. i also have different interests than the great majority of people.. or at least women... i seriously have a really hard time making female friends because they like to shop? i don't know, but sometimes i will peruse craigslist w4w strictly platonic and they all either have kids and just want someone else that has kids but wants to have fun sometimes.. or just want someone to "chill and shop with"... i'm not kidding, pretty much every one of them says they want someone to shop with.
i guess you could say maturity level? my friends do tend to be older than me, but i am pretty sure i just suck at making friends. i am very awkward socially. i also have different interests than the great majority of people.. or at least women... i seriously have a really hard time making female friends because they like to shop? i don't know, but sometimes i will peruse craigslist w4w strictly platonic and they all either have kids and just want someone else that has kids but wants to have fun sometimes.. or just want someone to "chill and shop with"... i'm not kidding, pretty much every one of them says they want someone to shop with.
borrrring! i hate shopping. unless its grocery shopping. but i only like that because good food comes from it : ) i wish i had a friend just to sit around with and listen to music and talk about activism. that reminds me of my friends from college : ) i would just go over to their house. wed talk about ... activism, music, politics, drama, whatever and then go out to get french fries. it was perfect!
I don't own a purse and I end up in Coach purse shopping with one of my friends. That's the only shopping she inflicts on me, but the store smells of leather so it's gross.
I've been thinking about this a lot, lately.
I'm only 23, but I've been realizing that I'm probably going to lose a lot of my friends as I age. I've been having these visions in my head of my friends growing up, getting married, having kids, and eventually getting to the point where they actually bring their kids everywhere, play golf, attend tupperware parties, and go to Little League games and PTA meetings. This really scares me, since I do not want children or anything to do with that particular lifestyle.
Those of you who are in your mid to late 30s or early 40s, can you enlighten me as to whether or not I am being irrational in thinking that everyone is going to get carried away in their own lives and leave me? Am I mistaken, do things actually work out a lot better than that? And if I do lose a lot of my friends, how am I going to find new people my age that have anything in common with me?
I am with you seems to be harder the older I get.
At 38 most people I know have kids.
Not interested in children.
My main problem with not having friends right now is I moved to unfriendly area for veggie folks.
I do not really want to hang out with people who don't share a similar lifestyle as me.
Probably going to move next year been here around 6 years and I only a few people.
I've been thinking about this a lot, lately.
I'm only 23, but I've been realizing that I'm probably going to lose a lot of my friends as I age. I've been having these visions in my head of my friends growing up, getting married, having kids, and eventually getting to the point where they actually bring their kids everywhere, play golf, attend tupperware parties, and go to Little League games and PTA meetings. This really scares me, since I do not want children or anything to do with that particular lifestyle.
Those of you who are in your mid to late 30s or early 40s, can you enlighten me as to whether or not I am being irrational in thinking that everyone is going to get carried away in their own lives and leave me? Am I mistaken, do things actually work out a lot better than that? And if I do lose a lot of my friends, how am I going to find new people my age that have anything in common with me?
i've heard of child-free groups. that would be a nice way to meet people in your situation. but i am also only 24. so i dont have any wise advice about this.
I too am childless by choice. Yes, you will lose touch with the supermoms, but would you WANT to be subjected to a) their little darlings or b) constant talk about parenting every single time you visit them? It's worst when the kids are small, but it does go on for ever. That is why I never attend the women's group at my church; they sit and talk "mom shop" and I know they don't really consider me a full adult because I haven't bred. A lot of Spanish women think that decent women HAVE to have kids, that's why you got married, right? (And then spend the next 18-25 years complaining about how little freedom they have!)
In the States, you have a lot more options as many more people are going the childless route. You may have to look a little harder, but there are people like you out there. A good way to find groups that think is your local library. Ask to speak to the head librarian...they are mines of good information and tend to have their finger on the pulse of local groups of different types.
That is why I never attend the women's group at my church; they sit and talk "mom shop" and I know they don't really consider me a full adult because I haven't bred.
This is why I won't take the begining knitting classes at my local library. I know this it the type of person I will encounter. If you haven't guessed by that statement, I'm CF too. I don't particularly care for kids, a little conversation about them is okay, but when it's the whole conversation, that's when I check out.
I'm very introverted and have a touch of social anxeity so it's hard for me to make friends. And I've only had a few really close friends in my almost 36 years of life, and they seemed to drift away on their own accord when they went the breeder route. As it stands now, I don't have any real close friends, just aquaintences. But then again, I don't go out and socialize, so some of the not having friends is my fault. It's hard to find activites in my city that doesn't center around people constantly talking kid stuff.
I guess that the point of my rant is that, for me being a CF-Veggie-Atheist, it's hard for me to make friends at my age.
I'm 56 and it seems that my friends are more like aquaintances to me. Maybe it's because I work and go to school and I just don't have much time for socializing except for fellow students and co-workers. Maybe I just keep myself too busy to worry about it much.
It does seem that most of the women my age are either married and spending time with grandchildren or divorced and bitter. I don't have much in common with either. I had no children and I am quite happily divorced...thank you very much.
Still sometimes I worry about not having a really strong connection with someone.
Jane, I know the feeling. Right now I have no real close connection with anyone. Since my divorce two years ago, I miss having a "best friend". I have a few friends, but am finding it difficult to make new acquaintences and a best friend doesn't seem to be happening right now. I'm not really in the mood for romance either.
One of my better friends recently got into a relationship so we don't do much anymore at all. Sometimes a couple of weeks will go by and I'll realize I haven't socialized with anyone.
I also agree that we have to become our own best friends and be comfortable in our own skin.
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